Post originally published by Jennifer X on Born Jennius, December 30th, 2015.
Note: Two posts are going up today. This is the first of two. This one has some thoughts I had about a week ago.
I’m going to try to express myself clearly, but up front, it’s going to be quite rough.
It’s been a good year and it’s been a tough year. It’s been a year.
Thesis. I’ll have to add a semester and push back graduation, for several reasons. I got sick and haven’t really felt that great health-wise since. I started to doubt myself again, the choices I’ve made. Did I just majorly screw up my life again? Maybe it’s time for me to quit, to move on. However, if you knew how many years this has taken, how many detours, how many restarts, …you’d know I’m too stubborn for that. I’m not right in the head for this. Anyway, I’m very disappointed in myself, again. I think I’m taking it better than usual, which… I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing or not. I realized, this delay will give me an entire year, rather than 7 quick months (“quick” is relative to thesis) so I can still be ambitious in planning to get ahead while not really stressing myself out like I did this past semester, which is probably a good part of why my health has been iffy.
I have wondered if all those years of depression didn’t rot my brain some. I think, I think, that my project has clarity now – it only took how many years.
Online communities. What can I say about this…. It seems like the last few years, I’ve become a part of an online community only to have it destruct for whatever reason. Is it me? Maybe. I don’t know what to think about them at this time. This last destruction, when I think of it, I imagine the people of Pompeii, preserved under the ashes, only, I’m alive. Maybe someone might uncover me one day, only, they won’t. This is not Pompeii.
Relationships. I know what I want but I am unequipped to reach it. I think back on my life and relationships and think, it was all God and the other people. I really cannot account for how I’ve had any friends at all. Okay, that is a little bit of me just being harsh on myself as always, but seriously, I am definitely not the one who holds relationships together. Even when I made great effort, that blew up in my face too. I know, try, fail, try again, fail again, keep trying – I don’t think I’ve learned anything to take me further, which is probably the real frustration. Thank God that He made only one of me and so many people to be better at this stuff than I am. I’m not at liberty to say anything more about this at this time.
Somewhat related, I’m really missing certain people. Apple and Tra, so far away. Yary, beautiful inside and out, wishing I could know if she was okay. Spencer, I wish you were here to see me do much better now. I still miss Ms. Doris too – I wish I had known you better. Megamouth. Several others, but these are at the forefront right this moment.
It just seems like this year has been great at some points and yet life is still slipping away. I don’t know how to grab hold.
Well, I’m here. My life is not my own. I didn’t ask to be here and yet I am, so there is a reason to life and I’m going to keep going until God says otherwise.
If you’re not a Christian, you’re probably going “What is this about?” or “Oh, she’s one of those.” It’s okay, I get it. I’d really like to better articulate Christian faith and my trust in God… another time.
See, I didn’t listen well to Spencer, who taught us to start with the positive. Why is it so much easier to disclose the negative?
Positives. It really feels good to work, to contribute, to earn a paycheck. My family is amazing. Apple still knows somehow when I’m down and how to make me smile (even if it makes me miss her so much more). Adulting is what I thought it would be and I’m enjoying it, mostly, bumps and lulls and all, so far. Better clarity for the project (though I have yet to write the adjustments). Two cats to drive me crazy and two cats to visit. Arya Stark. New bedding! Online shopping for products and presents. Our mailman whom is the best mailman around. Good bus drivers. Express bus routes. Christmas everywhere! Jamba Emily. NT hugs. My smartphone (happy one year, One-M8!). The variety of good cosmetic formulas, products, and tools to choose from and play. Product samples. “Oh Holy Night”, in several versions, all year long. Pleasant scents. Candle-warmth on cold mornings. Black Forest Ice Blended, in Hawai‘i. Online access to great thinkers, like Ravi Zacharias and the RZIM teams, Stand to Reason, and more, soaking up the lessons and principles, etc. Inspiring people, places, sights, ideas, etc. Food, shelter, water, clothing. INTx co-workers, boss, and xSFJ bosses, I suspect. Good teaching mentors. Journaling – Born Jennius! Books, books, books, and libraries. Otto Cake. Cabbage. Jump ropes. Good shoes. Working muscles. Sweet sleep!
Okay, I could go on once I really get going. God has blessed me beyond and I don’t understand. I could write paragraphs and posts about each one of those, already have on some of them, so… I’m going to leave this right here while I’ve got it on an up-note.
I didn’t mention the dog. I’m a terrible human being. The dog is a positive, I think, maybe. :P
May you bless and be blessed. Merry Christmas to one and all!
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