Post originally published by Jennifer X on Who I Am, October 12th, 2015.
Previous related posts:Who I Am: DCC: Where Is MyVoice?
The DC affected my voice in another way. It was another event that moved my voice to hide again, but it was probably the most impactful event to date. I can’t think of another time when it was made so clear that no one was hearing me; in fact, a large number of people didn’t want to hear me no matter what I would say.
Now, I didn’t always say the right thing or a good thing. I am more prone to saying the wrong things, and I did so in the DC. I was frustrated. I was confused. And I became angry. No, I was not innocent in the DC.
Maybe they were right to ignore me. Probably not, but maybe. I mean, afterwards, they made their own group with one of the main premises being that everyone was equal and of the same worth… everyone but me. I was there. I took the advice to show up because I thought it was right. I showed up. And it was like I wasn’t even there. I did not exist.
I thought, God, what are we (the group and I) doing?!
Trying to connect with people was already difficult for me. Connecting with other Christians shouldn’t end in devastation. The DC ended that way for me.
So, what does a very private person do when they’ve had another failure in connecting with others? I become even more private.
I ought to open up to someone and yet I keep holding back.
God, give me courage!
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Disclaimer: I am not a professional or trained minister or anything. I am a Christian layperson interested in working out my faith and trust in Jesus Christ and sharing where I am on the journey.