I have been saying that to myself often lately. Lately, like the past few months. Wait, that’s the whole year so far. Sigh.Only 9 more months to go. Then a fresh new “year” for more possible foolishness.
I don’t expect anyone to come to believe in God based upon my story; it would take a miracle that way… though, I believe in miracles.
But I mess up a lot. God is perfect; I am not.
Please excuse me if I ramble a bit. I’ve been in an odd mood for about a week now. I cried on Saturday for no apparent reason.
I cry now because I’ve got a reason.
My story is full of mistakes and blunders. I fumble my thoughts through my words a lot. I try to say things plainly but they still don’t come out right.
I made a mistake just yesterday. And then I added to it today. Even though I didn’t want that to happen.
I pushed someone away even though it’s not what I want. I pushed them away even though I know how much it hurt me to have that happen to me. I pushed them away even though I had told myself previously that I wouldn’t do that.
I think I’m just scared. Or… I don’t know. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Nothing is making sense anymore. I pushed them away because it seems I’ll be the one hurt either way. I don’t see the point of it all.
Someone asked in a forum about one leaving another because one didn’t want to hurt the other person anymore. I didn’t make comment on it. Yet that is how I think many times. I’ll leave because I seem to only be a source of frustration to the other person. Maybe that’s what I did yesterday.
Why did “Dictator” hurt me so much? Because I feared that they were right. Everyone seemed to be protecting them from Big Bad Jenn. So, I left.
I just can’t seem to do anything right. I want to do what’s right.
I’m frustrated with myself.
So. The breaking continues.
When I think that no further breakage is possible, I break more. Sometimes, I break myself, it seems.
Why do I let this happen?
It’s the path I’ve chosen. I’ll take the consequences. I’m just trying to do my best in my clumsy self ways.
I can’t see much ahead of me. I continue on because… my life is not my own. I continue on because… I don’t own the future. My miracle is still possible, just not now. I need to let more refinement take place.
I continue on because… God is in control, and on that, I can trust and rest.
I am not in control, and I’m so glad for that!
Because I’ve been a fool. Hopefully, not forever.
I make a lot of mistakes. Please forgive me.
If you have grievances against me, please let me know so that I might make amends.
Don’t believe because of what I say.
Look into the death, deity, and resurrection of Jesus, and believe on that truth. On that, my hope is based.
1 Corinthians 2: 1-5 [NKJV]