Wednesday, April 2, 2014

“Fool of a Took”

I have been saying that to myself often lately. Lately, like the past few months. Wait, that’s the whole year so far. Sigh.
Only 9 more months to go. Then a fresh new “year” for more possible foolishness.

I don’t expect anyone to come to believe in God based upon my story; it would take a miracle that way… though, I believe in miracles.

But I mess up a lot. God is perfect; I am not.

Please excuse me if I ramble a bit. I’ve been in an odd mood for about a week now. I cried on Saturday for no apparent reason.

I cry now because I’ve got a reason.

My story is full of mistakes and blunders. I fumble my thoughts through my words a lot. I try to say things plainly but they still don’t come out right.

I made a mistake just yesterday. And then I added to it today. Even though I didn’t want that to happen.

I pushed someone away even though it’s not what I want. I pushed them away even though I know how much it hurt me to have that happen to me. I pushed them away even though I had told myself previously that I wouldn’t do that.

I think I’m just scared. Or… I don’t know. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Nothing is making sense anymore. I pushed them away because it seems I’ll be the one hurt either way. I don’t see the point of it all.

Someone asked in a forum about one leaving another because one didn’t want to hurt the other person anymore. I didn’t make comment on it. Yet that is how I think many times. I’ll leave because I seem to only be a source of frustration to the other person. Maybe that’s what I did yesterday.

Why did “Dictator” hurt me so much? Because I feared that they were right. Everyone seemed to be protecting them from Big Bad Jenn. So, I left.

I just can’t seem to do anything right. I want to do what’s right.

I’m frustrated with myself.
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So. The breaking continues.

When I think that no further breakage is possible, I break more. Sometimes, I break myself, it seems.

Why do I let this happen?

It’s the path I’ve chosen. I’ll take the consequences. I’m just trying to do my best in my clumsy self ways.

I can’t see much ahead of me. I continue on because… my life is not my own. I continue on because… I don’t own the future. My miracle is still possible, just not now. I need to let more refinement take place.

I continue on because… God is in control, and on that, I can trust and rest.

I am not in control, and I’m so glad for that!

Because I’ve been a fool. Hopefully, not forever.

I make a lot of mistakes. Please forgive me.

If you have grievances against me, please let me know so that I might make amends.

Don’t believe because of what I say.  

Look into the death, deity, and resurrection of Jesus, and believe on that truth. On that, my hope is based.


1 Corinthians 2: 1-5 [NKJV]
1And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God. 2For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. 3I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling. 4And my speech and my preaching were not with persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, 5that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.