Thursday, March 6, 2014

Musings of Past Relationships and Type

Who wouldn't date this?! :P
Prelude to the Preface:
Hello! Hehe, I suppose I had intended to make this presentable by Valentine’s Day and it just didn’t happen. I was going through some personal things at the time that took priority over this and posted something very different instead.



Preface
Hello,

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am spending the day with my cats. They seem to be the only ones okay with the knowledge that I am weird and they will never understand me. Is that love or what? Lol!

Anyways, weirdness aside, here’s a Valentine special on MBTI and my past relationships. Yay? Enjoy if you can!

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I have a personal policy of not speaking ill of past relationships out of respect for them. Actually, I don’t talk about them or give details much at all due to my own sense of privacy; I’m choosy and they were good men whom I still respect very much. I also don’t think I have much to offer by way of relationship insight or advice; I’ve been single for most of my dating-eligible life. If I calculate using months, from somewhere in the teen years, I’ve been single for roughly 98% of my “D-E. L.”

However, I thought it would be interesting to talk about them in terms of type and type dynamics. My last official relationship was over a decade ago, so I can be more objective about them. I hope that they are in good relationships and well.

I am still a novice regarding the MBTI system, so don’t take this as a definitive or quotable post. I do think that I have a good enough grasp of the 4 temperaments rather than the 16 individual types at this point, but that is still iffy. I would suggest learning and understanding MBTI on your own if it is something of interest and/or use to you. In other words, don’t base your understanding of MBTI on anything that I say; I am no authority.
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My first pass at typing past boyfriends:

Riki - S slightly over N, I slightly over E, T slightly over F*, P slightly over J* - ISTP?**

Chris - SJ, E slightly over I*, T slightly over F* - ESTJ

*The dichotomy regarding which I am least certain.

**I am rather unsure of Riki’s type; I am hesitant. It could be that it was so long ago, I’m finding it difficult to really think back to what I had observed and experienced of him to have any sort of confidence in saying what type he is most likely to be. Even though I’m saying one slightly over the other, I am nowhere near definitive about those choices.

I am an INTP.
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Riki and Me
Riki and I were friends for about 6 months before we dated. This was in high school and we had mutual friends. He pursued me. We dated for 5 weeks. He broke up with me.

For Riki, I couldn’t exactly settle on what his temperament was most likely to have been, though as I read about the Artisan Temperament (SP) on the Keirsey site [http://www.keirsey.com/], I can see it fitting him well over the other temperaments. Fun-loving, optimistic, and focused on the here and now - I could have used those words to describe Riki. He was a bit fiery at times - I would say that sensation/ passion was important to him. He liked to be entertaining.

The other temperament I was considering for Riki was NF. He was a bit into mystical things, and having a relationship seemed important to him, but I’m starting to lean towards the SP temperament more so. I think SP values were more overriding for him, whereas, I don’t think transcendental things were all that important to him so much as being in the moment and having something exciting going on, having his own take on things.

Riki was close with his family, and yet he continued to date me even when his mother did not like me - she made it very clear that I was not welcomed to her son; I think his dad was okay with us, I don’t remember.

Riki was an underclassman; I was an upperclassman. For some reason, this was a main deal in my friends’ disapproval of our relationship, but we both said that it was our relationship and not theirs. His friends also disapproved, more so because they thought he should have dated a particular someone else, a mutual friend. So, all the disapproval going around… wasn’t pleasing to either of us and we didn’t see why it was such a thing for others; as I heard, there was at least one heated discussion about us, and we were like, “Why?”

I think both of us were hoping that going away for college wasn’t going to be hard. We broke up before I went away though, so we’ll never truly know, but I think it would have been difficult to stay together long.

From my point of view, I think it was easier for us to face other people’s opinions of our relationship than it was to talk about how we thought we were doing; their disapproval only fueled our rebellion to be together. I think that lead to our attraction being more shallow, or more suitable on a friendship level, than either of us wanted to realize. And for me, it was my first relationship and I didn’t quite know what to do, what to expect, etc. I knew nothing. We had an innocent relationship.

I am not exactly sure how our types fit into that relationship when it comes to our interactions. I think Riki would have liked someone more affectionate and expressive than I was. A lot of what I think hindered us has more to do with other factors, in my opinion, like how young we were, how I had to be the driver and such, and again, my being a relationship idiot. I also didn’t ask about why we broke up, so I don’t know… why, I don’t know why.

I am also very uncertain that Riki was an ISTP, keep in mind. I am probably most certain that he was an SP at least, but that might not be saying much.
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Chris and Me
Four years after Riki, Chris and I met through a mutual friend. We were not friends before dating. He pursued me. We dated for 3 or 4 months. He broke up with me.

Earlier, I thought that I hadn’t dated Es, but the more I thought about it, Chris seemed to enjoy being with people, hardly retreated much at all. He seemed to deflate to come home. We were with his friends a lot, or we were going out, so a lot of external things for him. I think he was quite expressive, more than having an introspective, reserved nature. We spent quite a bit of time at his place, hanging out with his roommate friends. Taking my experience with him as a whole, I am starting to think that he was an extravert.

Though not definitive, at this point, I believe that Chris was an SJ, at the least. He might say differently, but I would say that he probably valued things like duty, traditions, and order. An example: he was very adamant about not using coupons, because it was a discount on the value of the item, something along those lines, so a coupon did injustice to the item’s value in a way.  He was very energized by a customer stealing meat from the store and getting caught. Chris was traditional about other things as well, like in being gentlemanly protective of me - opening doors, paying, driving, waiting outside a public restroom for me, etc.

I think the big downfall of our relationship was poor communication; we had our first and only real fight about a month after we had broken up. We didn’t really talk about our relationship. I also think that my unconventional female ways eventually did not agree with what he expected or wanted.  At first, I think it intrigued him that I was different from his past girlfriends, but then it started to throw him off more than he liked; I think that’s understandable.

For me, I knew I wasn’t in a good position to be in a relationship at the time, but I wanted to see what would happen and he seemed so certain, so I went along with it anyway. I was also a relationship idiot still, and I’m thinking that may be an inherent aspect. I was very private, even from him. I didn’t share a lot of what I was actually thinking or feeling; I didn’t know what ought to be shared or not. I think he ended up assuming a lot of things about me, but more so out of necessity since I wasn’t forthcoming with much; it’s my nature and for the most part, I’m okay with people assuming things.

… He didn’t really ask me questions though. It’s just how it was.
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I don’t know how much about our types played into our compatibility. I don’t know MBTI well enough, so maybe I am not the person to be writing this, but it does open up other things I’d like to possibly write about later.

It would be easier for me to say yay or nay about dating a particular individual rather than a whole group like a type or temperament, and more so the nays rather than the yays. Riki and Chris made good boyfriends and will be good husbands someday, to someone else.

If Chris was an E, I was able to adjust well to him, but perhaps I ought to have talked more with him about my need for alone time, explain that my independent nature and need for alone time wasn’t in any way a reflection of him or of our relationship.

For Riki, he had called me every day, and I think he probably needed me to take some of the initiative for our relationship. I am great taking initiative on my own things, but not so much when I ought to be more mindful of someone else, like a boyfriend.

I think they both thought that I didn’t care about them, or the relationship, as much as I actually did; and to seal the deal, I didn’t cry when they broke up with me, I didn’t argue it or anything. It would have felt like a manipulation on my part to have cried or fought to keep them longer than they wanted to stay, so it’s not in my nature to do so. I accepted it and walked away.

I did care for them. I don’t mind pursuing every now and then, but I will not chase. I see no point in chasing.

The advice I would give to another female INTP seeking a relationship is to be more open, especially in regards to what we are thinking, and if possible, to what we are feeling, how we value the relationship. Men are not female-mind-readers. Add to that the apparent fact that INTP females are quite unlike the traditional female, so he will not be able to read our minds, to even make an educated guess, or to ask someone else for advice because it will likely be poor advice as to relating with, or to interpretting, an INTP female. So, if we want the relationship to work out, we need to be more open than we naturally are.

Hey, look at that - I had some kind of advice after all! The communication- openness issue already happens in my friendships. I should have realized it would manifest in my dating-relationships as well. I’m only seeing it very clearly now as I’m coming to understand MBTI and my type.

I will say that being more open will be difficult. And I did get hurt a few times that I risked it. I don’t see any way of getting around it if one wants a good relationship. Finding someone worthy of trust, someone who gives me a sense of security to be more open, not an easy thing, I understand.
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In participating in the NFGeeks forum on Facebook, I would like to touch on other relationship things that have been brought to mind, but that may be for another time. This was more of an overview, a first pass in typing Riki and Chris. I think this is as much as I have to say about my past relationships and type for now.

I hope that there was at least something helpful or interesting out of all of this.



  • How has your dating experience with certain types been?
  • Do you have any dating advice for someone of your same type?