Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Borrowed Time

In a previous post, [Who I Am: Biological Ticking Clock?], I talked about not having wedding or baby “fever.”

I have been sensing a different urgency though.

I have been feeling the thing about being on “borrowed time.”

I’ve been thinking about this often over the past few years. Maybe longer than that.

Many moons ago, I had attended 4 funerals over 3 years. I remember dreading the following year quite a bit.

That dread has been circling around me again recently.

For the most part, I am comfortable with death, or at least with talking about death, being around death. My earliest solid memory was about being at my grandmother’s funeral. Our family participated in Bai San (honoring the dead; Chinese) at the graveyard for years. It’s not surprising for me to stop by the graveyard to visit family.

It was a strange thing to have a conversation with one of my friends about how I couldn’t commit suicide. It was a theoretical exercise for me. My conclusion was that “my” time belongs to God. He’ll bring me home when it is time, of which I have no knowledge - only God knows when He will call me Home.

Those movies or TV episodes where someone dies suddenly, and the loved one wishes they had more time with the deceased, or had told them “I love you” more often, or hadn’t fought with them that morning - I don’t feel anything about it, but the basic idea sticks with me at times. It churns in my mind.

What matters most is spending now with those you love.

It’s a puzzle. One has to make a living. Conflicts between people happen.

Earlier this month, we lost a family pet - I’m not ready to talk about it. Last year, our family lost two relatives quite tragically. The year before that, we said goodbye to a dear friend.

I just want to spend Now with you. Anything I’ve said or done lately in urgency has been about this.

I get in my own way on it though. I’m so used to doing my own thing. I’m so used to not wanting to bother others. I’m so used to far-between communication. I’m so used to making my own decisions and going about them in my own way, expecting others to do the same for themselves, that I miss the connection.

Well, in a certain respect, I have urged something on a bit, more than I am used to doing. It’s been difficult for me. I don’t care to push the other person into spending time with me if he/she doesn’t want to; I think it branches off of my independent nature - if one doesn’t want to be with me, one doesn’t have to and I’ll go off on my own. I’ll do a little pursuing here and there, but I don’t chase after people.

The two relationships I have had, they both were the ones to break up with me. I said, “Okay” and left. It wasn’t that I didn’t care. They sounded very decided so I didn’t argue. I didn’t cry in front of them. I wasn’t going to have any appearance of manipulating them to stay on with me longer than they wanted.

I’m on God’s time and I know I’m not using it well - I’m not with you. I don’t spend nearly the time I ought to with friends and family, with people.

Anyways, so I’ve taken a couple of baby steps but I made some mistakes. I don’t know what I’m doing. And for now, I wait. I am in tension.

I just want to spend NOW with you.

What matters most is spending now with those you love.

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