It’s a wonder how things happen.
When I think that I can’t, God tells me that I can, if I follow Him. If I follow Jesus’ path. If I trust Him.
Well. It happens in an instant. I think I need to be supported; I become more broken instead. I think I couldn’t handle being any more broken than I already am; I realize that I’ve never felt more peace. It took losing in order to gain.
I don’t like hearing criticism. Who does? Not all criticism is bad for us. It hit my Pride. It clouded my thinking at first. I’m a stubborn, strong-willed person who’s been hurt deeply.
Then, I understood, and it helped me set aside my Pride.
May I continue to heed the lesson. I know I will need help in remembering this. I write this to remember.
I re-churched, again, this past Sunday. I woke up refreshed, got ready, and went with Peace. It was still uncomfortable, but not so much anymore - no flinching this time, no panicking. I went with some confidence that could only be from God; I know it wasn’t me.
I could breathe again.
I was starting to see the church as home again.
I was starting to see the church body as my brothers and sisters in Christ.
I can’t explain that. Well, maybe not yet. I still have a long way to go.
I saw Aunty Shirlynne, Wendy, and my G-family. Rachel and Zac were home with the baby. The Kwongs talked with me. I had a little chat with April.
I no longer care if others are thinking that I am the prodigal coming back. It doesn’t matter what they say about me, true or not. It doesn’t matter if they are still suspicious of me. It’s okay if they find courage in my actions; I no longer sense the pressure of it though.
It matters what I am doing, which is following Jesus. It doesn’t matter if others see this in me or not.
A plan came to my mind. I am praying over it. I will be seeking advice about it. I think it is right to do.
A long and narrow road lies before me still. It will be difficult and yet I see no other way. I am excited. ...and a little scared!
Please, God, give me courage!
“It is good for me that I have been afflicted;
that I might learn thy statutes
Chuck Swindoll shared Psalm 119: 71 in his talk, “Boars in God’s Vineyard” [See it for yourself here].
He also shared these:
- From A.W. Tozer - “It’s doubtful God can use anyone greatly until He has hurt him deeply.”
- From a sign on the desk of Swindoll’s son - “I have learned I cannot trust any man who has not known pain deeply.”
- Pain makes you wiser
- It humbles you
- It piques your discernment.
- It makes you aware of your own limitations. Our tendency is to fight back.
I don’t know that I am wiser. I have noticed that I’m seeing more in my devotionals and Bible readings, like things have been opened to my understanding. Not that I know it all or that all has been opened to my understanding, but the ones that I have experienced are making sense more than they have before. I think it’s because my perspective has been changed. Maybe this goes along with more discernment.
I have definitely been humbled recently. I am not John the Baptist, yet what has been on my mind often lately is John saying, “He must increase, but I must decrease.”
My tendency is to fight back. I am strong-willed. I am a fighter; I will fight. But now, I fight for someone else, for something else. I have been on the defensive for the past few years and it was uncomfortable for me. I don’t have to be on the defensive now, and it feels much better!
I think that’s enough to say for now. I still have preparations to make, plans to carry out.
Thank you to those whom have stuck by me, encouraged me, prayed for me, read my madness, etc.
May you be blessed this day!
After-thought party note(s):
- Off to nurse my sick body back to health. Ugh. Snot is not attractive.
- I've also finished reading A.W. Tozer's "The Pursuit of God." Interesting that I read it, and then Swindoll quotes Tozer.