For the past two and a half years, I had de-churched.
I tried writing many things about it, but I found it difficult to explain myself. It is still difficult to explain myself.
Or maybe I just wanted to avoid it all, which is a sign of distress. I’m generally not an avoidance-tactics kind of person.
One doesn’t often hear a de-churched speak … while still loving God and the church, or while someone is in the struggle. We might hear of stories after years and years of healing.
It was not my faith in God that was ailing. It was my heart for people that was aching.
I lost a lot the last few years. I gave up more in the last couple of years.
I thought I would hold off on writing; perhaps time does heal all wounds. I thought maybe I wouldn’t feel like I had to write, that something could happen and I’d be okay. I’d be healed and just move on.
Everyone else moved on the second after it all happened. Why don’t I just…?
I thought I had finally gotten to the point when I would be able to re-church and control the crying (in public). I wasn’t crying over the ordeal every night anymore (by myself). I wasn’t crying every week anymore. I thought that I was becoming me again.
This month, July, I have taken up courage and started the re-churching process.
It has not been easy for me, mostly because of emotional … things. I don’t know what to do with emotions, especially my own. Being outwardly emotional, from me, is an anomaly. So far, I’ve teared up once in public but I was able to wipe them away; I’ll write more about that another time (probably). The crying by myself at home has returned though.
How does one “re-church?” What might it be like? Why did I de-church in the first place?
I think I shall be sharing more about all of that here. I think it might be helpful for others hurt by their church, their fellow Christians, or by what they’ve done themselves.
Yes, during times of struggle, we can and ought to take our cares to Jesus, for he is able to bear it all. At the same time, I believe that God created family and community for us to speak to one another and help raise each other up in such times.
Taking my pains to Jesus has done wonderful things for me; it is the reason that I am able to reach this point of re-churching. My “community” … has done little about it; it has mainly been moments here and there of people reaching out to me, those people whom did not know anything about why I left. This general silence from my “community” has saddened and hurt me more, adding to the pain.
This will be another segment in the journey in life. I don’t know what it will be like. I don’t know where I will end up. I don’t know who will still be with me.
As to posts in which I refer to the past, it probably won’t be chronological as they had happened, though I will try to keep things plain enough to follow even if you weren’t there or didn’t know what I was thinking/ going through at the time.
Thank you for keeping with me, through the good, bad, and embarrassing! There’s surely more to come.