Friday, March 22, 2013

Discovering Lent



I know it is Friday and on this journal, that usually means a Healthy Go update.

Instead, it’s confession day for me.

This is my first time giving something up for Lent. I chose to remain logged out of Facebook for Lent. At first, I worried if this was going to be enough because for the most part, it’s easy for me to stay out of Facebook for long periods of time. It’s an either/or thing for me; either I’m all the way in or I’m all the way out. I thought maybe I ought to sacrifice something more difficult for me to give up.

Turns out that Facebook was still a good decision. I did well at first. I started getting weekly Facebook emails, tempting me to come back in. “You have a friend request.” “You have a message.” The emails are starting to come every day now.

And I was fine. I was tempted but I held in my heart that I gave this up so that I could become closer with God. I needed to trust myself that my word is my word and that I could do this. If I could get through this, I could tackle tougher things, more blaring weaknesses of mine.

Until today. I gave in.

I debated with myself, back and forth. I reminded myself about Lent. I wanted to help support a classmate’s production this weekend and spread the news of the event. I told myself that would be a good cause. I reminded myself that even though I made remarks about “Facebook for Lent” and set it up that way, even though I had never fully committed out loud and clearly stated it, in my heart I committed myself.

I logged in anyway.
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In the grand scheme of things, it would be good to help support a classmate and yet, the event isn’t dependent upon my support. The event is going to do well with or without me.

I went in. I saw who messaged me. I saw who the friend request was. I still debated whether I ought to post the event on my wall or not. At this point, I was logged into the event yet had not seen my wall. And I knew that I was wrong.
 
So I logged out.
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I prayed and asked God for forgiveness. I confessed the real reason that I had logged in.

The great thing is that I know that I have been forgiven.

The old me, the immature me, would have kept beating myself up for a slip up like this, and I’ve done worse before. I’m going to get through this and move on. I’ve accepted it.

I am back on Lent.

I am still a little sad that I had let down, but more so because of what I am learning from it. Learning is tough stuff at times. It’s painful.

The thing is that one of my dreams is dead. I’m letting it go and leaning more on God. It’s painful, but I’ve gotta let go of it. It’s gotta be done.

So I’ll cry tonight. I mean, I’ve already started, and I don’t have to be anywhere that people will see me tomorrow, so….
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Tomorrow is another day. I can still do the next 14 days or so left of Lent. I think I’m getting the essence of Lent.

… I don’t know what else to say about this.

If you’re going through Lent, I encourage you to keep going through it. If your heart is true about it, good will come of it. Stay true. God notices you.

Thank you for reading,
Jennifer