I’m sorry that the last few HG posts have been so lame. I don’t know how much I’ll have to share, or of what use it will be, today either, so here we go…
I’ve been quite angry the last few days. I thought I would feel great after my last final, just to be glad that I got through my first full time semester back, but instead I was anxious about my grades. Then I got the wind knocked out of me with a C+. I got all A’s on my exams and my presentation for that course, so I’m angry about the C+ but I know where it came from so I’m angry with myself too. (I got 2 A’s and a B for the other courses).
And I thought after the semester, I’d have more time to spend with people that I love, but a few are on trips and I wish them safe travels, and then one avenue cut me off, so I’m angry about that one. But I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do about it. I want to fight but I have no one to fight with. Don’t even ask.
I’ve already been in bad shape. I’m concentrating on not letting things overwhelm me in a negative way, to hold back the panic until it calms down, hopefully.
So, how am I handling all this, HG-wise?
To be honest, I don’t know.
The past few days, I haven’t felt like eating. I’ve been sick to my gut. I have been eating some, like I had salads and fish and chicken, but I’m only eating because I know I should. Everything has tasted like junk, even if it was a healthy meal. I’m also drinking more water now that I’m home most of the time. IF I get a Starbucks drink, to use up the gift card I received, I order it skinny and/ or light, the least amount of sugar and calories that I can and really, I have not missed the… whatever it is they take out to make it light. I’m not much of a Starbucks person anyway.
Anyways… what to learn from this uneasy time is that I am back to emotional starving, which for me, I think, is easier to deal with than emotional eating.
Growing up, and in high anxiety times, stress times, just high unease, I wouldn’t feel like eating but most of the time I would eat anyway because we’re supposed to eat. Sometimes I would not eat, but some of those times, my family was there to have me eat something, and usually they didn’t know anything was wrong.
Sometime after First College, I flipped to emotional eating. I was in persistent depression. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I ate. And ate. There were periods of healthy eating and exercising in there, but the pounds gained too much ground and I am where I am today.
Sigh. I’m a bit anxious in sharing all of this but I think it’s important.
So. I’ve been eating when and how I’m supposed to; I just mainly haven’t been snacking as much as I usually would.
So. I’m trying to keep it together for everyone else. I miss my great friends. I feel so far away from everyone. I want everyone to enjoy the holidays, I don’t want to be the downer, I don’t want anyone worrying about me.
Life can knock the wind out of you. Get back up. People might tell you or expect you to “be strong” and “suck it up,” but if getting back up means you have to cry or take a kickboxing class or… just have a period of weakness, if going through a time of brokenness will help you get back up, go ahead. Even the strong can be broken. I feel that way now and I know people see me as someone strong and it sucks sometimes.
However, do keep in mind your goals and dreams. If you’re on a Healthy Go journey, remember that emotional- eating or emotional-starving are temporary fixes and not healthy. Keep being mindful of what you are eating and why. Get through the tough times while still striving for healthier habits because when you get through the tough times, you will feel better, healthier.
Wow, when I think I have nothing to say. I’ll save more of that for later. Trust me, there will be more times of unease for me.
The gym is a 40 minute walk away, and I haven’t gotten coordinated with the trolley, no car, so I’ve been home. Excuses.
I’ll be honest, I’m watching a lot of YouTube and catching up on the shows I enjoy. I’ve also been cleaning too, so that is some exercise, not much though. And every so often, doing some kickboxing at home to try to get some of the anger out. That’s what I do when I have no one to fight with, I manic clean and I box the air.
I’m working on a wrap-up end-of-the-year Healthy Go post, try to bring everything together from the last few months, so I have somewhere to go in the next year.
I dreamt last night that I weighed myself and the scale said… 154. Lol, well, at least that is less than where I started, but I plan to go weigh myself awake and… *deep breath* we’ll see what it says!
What a bummer post. I do hope that you are having a good season! Perhaps this gives a sense of why the previous post, Brokenness and How You Can Help, was important for me to post so please, if you are able to help ease someone’s pain, please do so!
I am going to get through this time, praying to God a lot (he is my strength), and trying to focus on the good friends I still have which is amazing to me that anyone is still with me, and for them I am grateful! (Peter, Julie, Trace, Jen, Rachel- love you)
Thank you for reading.
P.S. I wrote in a previous HG post about wanting a full length mirror so I can take better pictures of my progress, among other things. I didn’t say anything to my mom about it but she came home last week with a full length mirror! It is in my room and I need to find a good place for it. Charis loves looking at herself in the mirror already.