Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Untitled [June 12, 2012]

I’m pretty disgusted with myself at the moment.

It has been a rough time for me. I can’t say exactly what because it feels like it has been a gradual decline in… I don’t know what. Some days I’m up and some days I’m down. I feel like I’ve been more down than up for far too long that I’m trying to get up and I can’t because I just don’t remember how to get up anymore. I keep trying and then find myself even more down than when I had started. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying.

And it makes me cry because I don’t like being a downer. I don’t know that anyone likes being a downer but some don’t realize when they’re being a downer quite frequently. I generally know when I’m being a downer and I’ll slap myself out of it. Or I’ll go away until I can get a grip on my down-ness.

I don’t like telling people that I’m down and need some help or encouragement. I’m not used to having to ask; usually I’m around friends who pick up my spirits, sometimes even without realizing that they’re doing so.

My good and true friends mostly live elsewhere. They do their best for me despite the distance, but they shouldn’t have to do so much. I don’t want to be a burden. I want them to enjoy themselves; I don’t want them worrying about me.

And online friends I’ve made whom I’ve never met in person, they’re so lovely. I don’t understand sometimes how they can have such care for me. I mean, I should understand because I care for them as well, but I know me. I know I’m not so great.

Sometimes I think that they can say such kind things about me because they don’t really know how ugly I can be, you know? It’s not the same as having someone who’s been physically by my side through it all say, “Jenn, I know you. You’re better and smarter than you know. You’ve grown so much from being such a little punk that you used to be.”

And sometimes I need something stronger than an internet hug. That’s just reality.

I have felt so alone for so long….

I have a good family. I’m around them all the time. Yet no one is perfect and I don’t feel like I can talk any one of them. I don’t get the support from them that I need at the moment.

I had to walk away before I snapped at someone for giving a sarcastic response, typical of the person. I can be quite sarcastic myself; I’m trying to rid myself of it because you can never know when someone is about to snap at just the wrong words. Another time, someone said something they thought was quite funny; I felt like crud after their comment.

I’m not used to all of this. I’m not used to feeling so sensitive towards so much.

The thing is, I’m a very independent person. I often enjoy doing things on my own. Or I used to.

I would go to the movies by myself. I go to the beach by myself. Shopping by myself. I do a lot of things by myself. Yet when I’m feeling so isolated, doing things by myself just amplifies the loneliness.

Even independent people need to know that there’s somewhere or someone they can go to when they truly need it. When I know who I can turn to for any reason at any time that I need them, I feel empowered to do things on my own. That may sound odd yet it’s how I tend to operate.

And those people who say that no one can make you feel like junk unless you let them? That can be true sometimes. When you have great support around you, you can more easily wave off negative things from others. When those who are supposed to be your support are the ones who say junk things to you, not so easy to ignore.

I’m quite self-motivated when I’ve got support around me. The support doesn’t have to do much. I just need them to be there.

Oh, and I’ve discovered that I don’t appreciate it when anyone says junk about it being that time of the month, even other women. It’s like saying, “You’re crazy ‘cuz it’s that time of the month. That’s all,” as if whatever I’m upset about is nothing. It might be nothing to you but it could be quite something to me. It’s dismissive and insensitive no matter.

Plus, I’m not generally motivated by that time of the month. At least in my opinion, I’m quite even-keeled even when it is time to be hormonal. I don’t often have crazy fluctuations in my hormones.

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Posts like these are why I don’t really post to FB that I’ve posted a new one.

It’s just been so much junk for the past few years.

I remember being so hopeful in 2008. I was in the dumps before that and now I find myself back in the dumps again. One can sense it in these posts too even though I tend to be very private about things.

All this has been another reason why I am trying to get away from Facebook too. I say “trying” because a lot of sites are easier to log in through FB, or they’re requiring log in through FB, and it’s annoying me. However, what I was getting at is that I get it that social media like FB are absolutely wonderful for keeping in touch with those who are faraway and such.

At this time, I very much dislike how some people who have my phone number are trying to interact with me through FB. It’s like how my mom tells me that so-and-so asked about me at church. Hello! That person could tell me themselves how much they miss me, if they truly do miss me at all. I know, I sound harsh right now. I try not to be but I’m more of an action-type person. If I care about someone, I try to show it in any way possible. I’m usually not shy about that. I’m not passive about that.

Pick up the phone and use it. And if I don’t reply, try again another time. And again. I’m just tired of people’s excuses.

Sometimes it’s just my dumb phone. It will randomly update itself and then I’ll lose all my messages, so sometimes I don’t even know that someone messaged. SO TRY AGAIN!

Some people might be reading this and saying “Jenn, you hypocrite!” And they would be right, I’ll admit it. I’m not picking up phones myself at the moment. I’m rarely up to seeing people these days. I want to see people but I don’t. These days it takes a lot of energy to get myself ready to see people. I don’t like pretending. I don’t like putting on a happy okay face when I’m not okay.

If I am at odds with someone and it’s serious enough to me, I don’t like pretending that things are okay. I don’t like not being genuine. I will be polite and respectful, but don’t expect me to smile and giggle at their attempt at a joke.

If you’ve read this far, I apologize. I still post these things to be… honest? I don’t want anyone thinking that I’ve really got things going or that I think I’m so great. Ultimately, I’m just like everyone else. I have struggles. I’m very tough on myself, much tougher than people realize; sometimes I do need to give myself a break.

Also, I’m having a difficult time opening up to others. I know this is affecting me and someone I ought to be able to trust. I’m trying not to have anyone “pay” for the hurts others have caused me and it’s difficult for me at this time. I wish they knew how much I am trying.

So what keeps me going really? All I have is Jesus. For my lodging and meals, my family’s helping me. For my soul and everything, it’s Jesus. I’m not kidding. I want so much for others to know what it’s like to know Him. In 2008, I was becoming more open about that even though I felt like it was all new to me too (even though it wasn’t exactly new to me at all). It’s tough to explain.

I know God is all I need. I just know that this isn’t what he originally intended for me. I don’t want fame, I’m not looking for fortune- I just want to get to that place where my life reflects him so much that others see it and wonder, and I’m so much farther from that mark than I used to be. Anyways, this dumpy-ness I've been in has motivated me to catch up on my Bible reading. I cannot do life without God. 

I appreciate all I have in my life. I appreciate you. This is simply my struggle with wanting more. 

I keep thinking I’m writing the ending and then I’ve gone on several paragraphs. Goodness. Please have grace with me?

Mahalo for reading. 

P.S. I've shared this song before and here it is again. "Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?" I hope that it won't.

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