Friday, June 29, 2012

Healthy Go [June 29, 2012]

Yay Shelly!

Wedding! Yay!

Saturday I was out all day for the wedding and friends, and so most of my walking was done then- half the day walking and standing in high heels. For those who don’t know, I had nerve damage in my left leg a little over a year ago, which is why I call it my “lame leg” or my “dumb leg,” because it doesn’t feel like it’s my leg. It works fine; it’s just in my head that it’s not my leg. I have worn heels about 2 times since then, but for short trips when I wasn’t walking much. The wedding was the first time I was walking around in high heels for a good amount of time… and I did okay! I have missed my heels!
Aren't these gorgeous?

Anyways, I wore my satin Luichiny heels, about a 4” height, which I like. I think the last time I wore these were to Lauren’s wedding about 4 years ago; I remember it wasn’t too comfortable only because my heel kept slipping out.

Well, this time, my heel didn’t slip out so much, probably because I was more conscious of it and wasn’t rushing as much, and it was comfortable until after the reception. I lasted through the ceremony, from the parking to the reception, several restroom trips, standing through the food line, and then back to the car with a short barefoot section through the lobby. One can imagine that my calves and thighs were firing all that time; the next day I could feel my muscles but they weren’t too sore.

Three paragraphs about my shoes? Why not. It’s my journal. I was just so glad to wear heels again and not pay for it in pain; I didn’t even get any blisters at all!

At the reception, the food table was long and looking delicious! I think I did okay with my choices or at least, better than I wanted to! I didn’t take any salad but I like fruits and veggies, like broccoli and carrots, better so I took a bit of that. I had some bread, and potatoes and mushrooms that I love. I had half a scoop of white rice to go with the piece of fish and some meat. I am a carnivore so holding back on meat can be difficult at times. I would’ve had more fish but we were rationing them and then we were already past the plate when they brought out more fish.
The food was so good. For dessert, I had a bite each of a tart, an apple custard slice [I think that’s what it was] and a brownie. I didn’t finish it all but mostly ate the fruit off of each piece. And I drank water. And a beer.

After the wedding, I accompanied Rachel on a few errands, and then we met Genesis guys at the fair. I can’t remember the last time I was at the fair, maybe it was a decade ago. I was hungry and the food smelled so good. I wanted a caramel apple, but abstained. I wanted to play some of the games but the fair is getting so expensive! It was fun anyway, walking around with friends.

We went to McD’s after. This was where I failed. I had a McChicken which has mayo. I don’t like mayo but I like chicken. I also had a small caramel frappe. Bad Jenn. Hey, I usually order a medium. Still, I know, I could’ve done without it and had water instead.

See, fruits and veggies!
We met up with some people fishing. This has nothing to do with health but I don’t know that I’ll get to writing about it later- well, it’s a little health because emptying the bladder every so often is healthy, right? Well, on the way to the fishing, I thought I ought to find a restroom. Zac stopped at one at a park but it was gated and locked. Then after the fishing, Zac stopped at another park one and this one was open but the toilets were all blocked up with… stuff… and then I heard voices. So I quickly walked out and got back to the car. It’s okay, I made it to a safe and clean restroom with no problem!

A thank you to Matt for being my bodyguard outside of the restroom. He heard the voices too so they weren’t just in my head! And thank you to Zac who said something to the effect of protecting me, or maybe he meant protecting himself and the rest of the car passengers, from the sources of the voices. While I imagine in a situation, I would fight like an animal, I love when guys are protective of the females- it's how my brother was raised. They could have been regular camping folk, regular beach-dwelling folk, but they could have also been... ehm... enhanced beach-dwelling folk, which are the ones we were more concerned about. 

For the rest of the week, I ate okay. I am still having milk every day, which ought to be going bad at any moment now. I am still surprised that my stomach has been okay, though I think the milk has irritated my rash because I have been extra itchy. Gross, right? I’m sorry.

I didn’t keep track of my water intake this week but I don’t think it was much anyway. I still need to be drinking more and every day. Still phasing out the soda.

I had a dream that I was at a fast food and ordering a burger. Oh man. So the next day, I had a burger soup- sounds weird, right? It was the Campbell’s Chunky Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables. [Link to the nutritional stats] Looking at the stats though, this soup is healthier than if I had eaten a burger. One can is 2 servings so it had 240 calories and 4 grams of fat while a quarter pounder with cheese, what I would’ve eaten, is 520 calories with 26 grams of fat. It took care of the meat craving too.

For exercise, I thought I would warm up to going back to the gym. I did some exercises at home- various ab crunches and some endurance things with the balance ball. I am weak. There was a time when I was doing pushups every day to get better at them. I had gotten up to 3 sets of 12; now I barely can do any. Some of it is my mindset because I feel strange about my leg. I did some twelves but with having my legs on the ball, making it easier for me. I did some mountain climbers.

Going forward, I think I will work with the Jillian Michaels’ DVD that I have. I like it because it incorporates kickboxing, which I love! I am not a peaceful kind of exerciser. Even when I swim laps, I imagine that I’m training for the Olympics [Yay the Olympics are coming up!].

I saw my friend Shayna at the wedding and had a chance to talk with her. I also asked if she could help me figure out an exercise plan and she said yes. It’s just a matter of meeting up or communicating messages with her now. She has a degree in kinesiology and she used to train me when we were at the Uni together.

Otherwise, I would appreciate any tips or exercise suggestions! Or a workout or swimming partner if you’re on the island?

On my own at the gym, I do okay but I get nervous around people. There are a lot of fit guys at my gym- I feel odd about asking for help, like if I were to do benchpresses or something. With Shayna, I would be more daring with the weights and she wouldn’t let me wimp it either, like if the weight was too easy for me, she’d point it out and up the weights. I actually like being pushed. At first college, Sandra and the guys pushed me. I can think of some guys who could help me but I don’t think they would push me. I am not so delicate.

This week’s stats----
Weight: no weigh in
Height: Still short
Activity: walking & walking in high heels, home exercise
Gym time: None
Size: yet tight 10
Food: little more junk, little less healthy
Liquids: H2O down from previous; 3 sodas, down from previous

I hope you are doing well in whatever your endeavor is, whether it’s being healthy or to lose weight, etc. Let me know how you’re doing in the comment section below!

Again, if you’re on the island and would like to workout, shoot me a message and let’s do it! Oh, let’s do more indoor climbing!

Thank you for reading!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Music: You’re The One- The Vogues

Oldies goodies- they’re on my iPod too.

My dad loves the oldies and so I grew to love the oldies also. I love being able to know what the words are and sing right along!

I sense that I need a little pick-me-up tune today so I am going with “You’re The One” by The Vogues. It’s so simple and sweet and puts a smile on my face! Can’t wait for that one who “must surrender” to me.

As a bonus, check out those background dancers. I could’ve had a dancing career but alas, I was born too late….


What song picks you up? Let me know in the comment section below!

Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

“You’re not one of us”

I’ve never been much of a joiner, someone who seeks to be a part of a group, to belong. I didn’t join any sororities. I have always had several groups of friends while not belonging to any. I haven’t even officially joined a church though I was baptized. Belonging gets in the way of my rebellious nature.

I actually walked away from the group in high school which claimed me (long story) so I’m in the senior picture with them but I personally didn’t count myself as one of them; and in time they have confirmed my status. I do feel poorly about my action though I’ve been able to move on for the most part.

So, when I was told “You’re not one of us” a few years ago by another group, I couldn’t figure out why that still bothers me to this day.

I wasn’t looking to be “one of them.” And now I feel like it’s a repeat, that in time this group is confirming my status. Even the people in the group who claim friendship with me… I feel like I could disappear and not be noticed. In fact, I pretty much have disappeared. If they have noticed, I have not noticed any indication of it. If any have missed me, I don’t know about it.

Yet for my friend’s sake, I recently went to an event where that Group was also. The day after was really difficult for me. Spending that much time, practically the entire day, with them replays in my mind.

I have been debating whether or not to use aliases for people and I think I will. Even though people close to the subject should immediately recognize to whom I will be referring, I don’t want those outside to think poorly of these people.

My friend Tanya and her husband Kirk are good friends of mine and of the Group. Whenever I have the chance, I hang out with them. Usually that has meant that even if they’re going to meet up with the Group, I will still go with them. I don’t know if I can do that anymore and I feel poorly about it.

I’m not as strong and confident as I used to be. Besides my own private struggle, the experiences with the Group have really… brought me down further.

To see those faces just makes me feel bad because all I hear in my mind is “You’re not one of us.” I can’t see how I will ever be comfortable around them. I still leave room that “all things are possible,” but this? Peace in my heart?

Usually I don’t care for my own comfort. Usually, this wouldn’t matter to me enough to cause me to react. I wouldn’t be motivated by discomfort. If it’s the right thing to do, I try my best to do it no matter my comfort level.

Now I find myself cutting all possible ties with them and people related. I find myself avoiding them whenever possible.

And so I tried to put on a brave front recently, but I’m about spent.

One in the Group, Bradley, has tried a few times, when everyone else was preoccupied, to have small talk with me. I’m not skilled at small talk, or with lying, and I am so uncomfortable with him that he probably thinks I’m being a snob or that I’m holding a grudge.

The thing is, all of the junk in the past is still unresolved for me and so I have no idea what to say. I’m not intending to be rude and I’m not in the habit of snobbing people. I’m really not!

I appreciate him trying and I can’t think that it’s easy for him to do. Yet how can I make small talk with someone whom has never taken responsibility for being mean to me?

The one who actually said the words to my face in front of others, “You’re not one of us,” I have avoided at all cost. He has made no effort at all and I doubt anyone will encourage him to do so or that he’ll think on his own that he ought to do so.

Whatever “ministry” they might be doing, I don’t care about it. It seems false to me. They might be doing good actions, they might be doing actual ministry, but I don’t see it. I don’t believe that they genuinely care about people and sometimes even about Jesus. I can’t see it because things are unresolved.

I want to see it. I want to believe that God moves. I want to know that they are doing well.

All of this is a major reason why I have left the church that I love. It’s killing me, it really is. But they’re there and all I will see is “You’re not one of us.”

How can Christians say that to one another and think that we’ll make an impact on non-believers? How can I attend a church and worship the God I love when people are saying “You’re not one of us?”

How can I go and fellowship in the presence of people who are the face of my bitterness?

How can I be effective in ministry?

How can I tell others how great God is while I’m so sad about God’s people?

Besides Tanya and Kirk, there is one other in the Group who means a great deal to me. I’m so scared that my pain with the Group will forever keep us apart. Because I am never willing to be a divisive factor- which is why I tend to walk away from such situations- in this case between this person and the Group, I’m not looking for a choice to be made, me or them.

I’m so afraid that it will come to that.

It shouldn’t have to come to that.

I don’t understand. I just don’t understand why this person didn’t walk away from me when I gave the chance. I don’t understand why this person just won’t let me disappear like everyone else has. I don’t understand.

I can’t think that I’m worth all the trouble.

I don’t want drama.

I’m not entirely innocent of all this. I did not manage the ministry well or give it the start it deserved. I got distracted from the task I was given. I wasn’t the leader that I ought to have been.

Yet I can’t think that I did anything to deserve such cruelty. The second thing that echoes in my mind is that I was called a “dictator.” I didn’t demand anything of them. I didn’t withhold anything. They were set against me from nearly the beginning. I wanted the chance to dare. They wanted… something else, expected something else of me.

And so this dictator is not one of them. This dictator surrendered the position that was never hers and disappeared.

I’m not one of them, and what follows in my mind, though they didn’t say it out loud, is that I never will be.

And it’s still not what I want, to be one of them.

I just want to be free of the pain and to be reunited with the church that I love.

I tried as long as I could to be strong and brave for the sake of others. I’ve let them down.

If you’re not a part of this situation, and I seem to disappear from you a bit, please I hope you know now that it isn’t you. I might just be struggling and I don’t mean any disrespect to you. It’s not an excuse at all; I’m simply saying that pain tends to influence poor behavior and I apologize for my poor behavior. My pain doesn’t make my behavior right.

Mahalo for reading and if you’re a praying person, please say a prayer that God does something amazing to change our hearts towards him, for in that will be the healing.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Into the Good Book: Monday 177

This past week has been busy for a special reason: my friend was home to get married! And so I did not catch up much at all on my readings. I am up through June 2nd currently, which is through 2 Chronicles 20. At least I have caught up to the current month!

I don’t really have much to say about the readings and I feel poorly about that. I admit that while reading during the past week, I’ve been preoccupied with much that is junk.

I bookmarked John 13:34-35, which has been on my mind a lot whenever I think of that particular junk. It says, “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” [NLT]

At one point, a few years ago, I was ready to love people. I wanted to continually get better at it. I don’t really know how to explain this.

I feel like people think the verse reads instead “Your toleration for one another….” I don’t want to be simply tolerated. I don’t want someone to feel that I’m just tolerating them.

I apologize for this being such a bland update. I have already prepared a post for tomorrow which might shed a little more light on why I’ve been so preoccupied lately.

Anyways, so that is the update. I believe I only missed one day of actually reading something in the Bible, even with all the busy-ness.

I hope that you are you’re doing well with your reading, that you’re getting something out of it, that you’re able to spend that time each day despite distractions.

Thank you for reading and see you next time!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Healthy Go [June 22, 2012]

This week’s update is a little bit of bad and a little bit of good.

Bad news: events and get-togethers with lots of good bad food!
Good news: I didn’t indulge too much in the good bad food.

My friend’s getting married this week and so there has been the bridal shower and the bachelorette party, and then my other friend Rachel has been around so I hung out with her as much as I could.

We also went out for a delayed Father’s Day dinner at Outback Steakhouse. I really wanted the steak and lobster combo but opted for the healthier Norwegian salmon with vegetables. I only ate about half of it so I’ll have the other half later this week for another healthy meal.

Yesterday wasn’t very healthy. I went to a Bible study in the morning with Rachel and some of her friends. It was a good study. They’re going through Beth Moore’s study on David. Beth Moore’s insights on the Bible are just wonderful. I learn so much whenever she speaks and I tend to remember what she talked about too.

Then we went to the pool and hung out there for hours. I haven’t hung out at the pool in ages! The day was beautiful, hardly a cloud in the sky and yet there was a gentle breeze so it wasn’t blazing hot. The water was good and soft too! It was half-salt water and half-chlorine - I didn’t know that they did pools like that.

In lieu of a bikini by the pool shot,
here's Rachel and I doing a very little
So good news: I did keep moving whenever I was in the water! Even when we were standing there and talking, I made sure my arms and/or my legs were in constant motion. I did a couple laps too, getting back the feel of my rhythm and strokes again- ahhhh, I was so happy! It felt so good to be in the water again!

Background: I used to swim a lot, took lifeguard training with my friend, and took a swim class at the University. I dream about swimming, literally in my dreams, I am swimming. I should start going to the beach and swimming the AM length until I can do it without breaks… that would be good training.

The worst food I ate this week: Susan cookies from Safeway. It’s a shortbread type cookie with a chocolate cream on top. I had about 5 or 6 of them- that is about 3 or 4 more than I had planned on.

Good news: did not have any pastries at home. No pianomo rolls. No Apple Napples. I didn't really miss them.

Mom somehow got two gallons of 2% from somewhere. We don’t usually buy milk because Dad and I are lactose intolerant. She gave one to her friend and then I said I’d drink the other one. I don’t know why but when she told me, I thought she said half-gallon. Oh well. I am halfway through the gallon myself. I sometimes snack on Cheerios, so I had that for lunch one day. Actually, now that I think of it, my stomach didn’t get too upset about the milk.

My water intake wasn’t consistent across the days, but I did get in more water than last week, which is good.

I weighed myself at my friend’s house this week. Taking into account that my brother’s scale might be calibrated just a little differently from my friend’s one, and that I weighed myself at different times of the day, the difference is 2 pounds but to be safe I’ll say that I lost at least 1 pound in the last two weeks. Well, I’ll take it!

The biggest difference this past week has been my mindset. No, I didn’t get to the gym, but I have noticed that just the small changes I’ve been making in my food choices have been good for my thinking. I feel better just knowing that I put more good things in my body than I was before. I’m starting to feel better about myself in general, getting some of that confidence back that I used to have.

I didn’t deal with any guilt of having loads of junk because I’ve cut back on the junk quite a bit. I didn’t even feel that guilty for having the cookies, and I am very sensitive to guilt. I will guilt myself to death, which is why no one can give me the guilt trip because I am master on that point.

I didn’t struggle with craving junk stuff. Even my desire for soda is slowly fading away. I’m not missing the soda on the days that I didn’t have any.

And so, like I mentioned last time I think, even if you decide to make one small change a week or however you’re doing it, do it. Good change is good whether or not it’s deciding to drink more water or to go big and totally clean out your food storage of all junk and exercising a lot. Some people need to go all out from the start and others need to make sure one change sticks before adding on another change. YET DO IT ANYWAY.

Also, do not undo the good changes that you are making. For instance, don’t pig out on burgers and fries one day because you walked yesterday or because you had only healthy food earlier- I have done this before. I’m not saying to deprive yourself of treats now and then either.

Instead, start thinking about the good choices you have been making and that you want to keep that up because you’ll feel better in the end.

This week’s stats----
Weight: 156 [friend’s scale; -2 from last weigh in]
Height: Still short
Activity: walking, swimming
Gym time: None
Size: yet tight 10
Food: junk, a little more healthy
Liquids: ~72 oz H2O throughout the week, up from previous; ~4 sodas, maintained from previous

Please leave a comment/ question/ “HELLO!” in the comment area below. Let me know what healthy change you have decided to do this coming week!

Thank you for reading and get moving!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Little Black Bag- May 2012

Much to discuss and many pictures to see…

It’s mid-June already but this is for my Little Black Bag purchase in May. I opened my bag near the end of May because there was only one left of…

The Betsey Johnson Polka Dot Heart necklace! I adore Betsey’s designs and with the closures, I took the chance to snatch up the necklace at an affordable price.

I also redeemed a Klout perk for LBB. My score was only 27 at the time, because I had just learned about Klout and needed to figure out what was going on; my score is currently at 50, I believe. Well, the Klout LBB perk was for an extra item in my bag, an item to be around a retail price matching my Klout score.

I chose the Betsey necklace for my first item. For my second and third items, the site surprised me with the RJ Graziano Two Stone Drop earrings and a Michael Marcus Rich eyeshadow in my bag. My Klout perk item was an R&Em nylon laptop case. My bag total began with:

$45- Betsey Johnson necklace
$45- RJ Graziano earrings
$23- Michael marcus eyeshadow
+$44- R&Em case [for a Klout score of 27]
$157 original retail value of the items, for which I agreed to pay [$49.95 +$4.95 (s&h)=] $54.90. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?

Then the trading began. I used the full 7 days allowed for trading; I kept it open down to the last second! The site had many items that I would have been happy or at least okay with, since I’d be getting the Betsey necklace, so I put out a lot of trades for the other 3 items in my bag. The laptop case would’ve been nice if I had a laptop, and I couldn’t think of anyone I could give it to since some people might be particular about their cases, I don’t know. I probably could’ve gotten a higher-priced item if I had waited to connect all my Klout things together- oh my!

The first few days of trading, I tried to slowly trade up in value, so that I might have a better chance of receiving the matching Betsey double heart earrings. It was not looking good. I won’t go through every single trade I did; I will just mention a “heartattack” trade, and that at one point I did have 5 items in my bag because someone traded me 2 of their items for my 1 item, but the trade was comparable in value. I just wanted to point out that one could do multiple item trades.

The “heartattack” trade for me was THE NECKLACE! I don’t know what happened, if my computer was loading slowly or an inadvertent click, I don’t know- the Betsey necklace got traded for the matching single-heart earrings. I about panicked! I called the LBB customer service right away and Emily handled it for me quickly- thank you Emily! She was able to put the necklace back into my bag. Other than that, trading went rather smoothly. I was so careful up until and after that mistaken trade.

LBB is still a growing and improving company- they began around January of 2012. They are very good about listening to customer feedback and such. I’m sure others have already suggested some way of lessening the chances of an unintentional trade- like mine- of happening, so I’ll not talk longer about that.

As I mentioned before, I tried to trade up in the value of my items. I also traded sideways, like if I had the pink bangle but someone wanted to trade the exact same bangle in yellow, I usually accepted it. I traded down a few times as well, so the total value of my bag stayed rather steady throughout. The highest total value of my bag was $179 at the end of my 5th day of trading.

I still didn’t have the matching Betsey earrings, the single- or the double-heart earrings; I really wanted the double-heart because it’s a bit quirkier. At one point, I think I had all necklaces in my bag.

On the 7th day, my last allowed day of trading, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that someone had accepted my trade! I now got the matching double-heart earrings!

The chain necklace didn't have a tag;
I took the price off of the LBB site.
At the end of trading, I had:
$45- Betsey necklace
$50- Betsey double-heart earrings
$26- All the Rage Half-Dipped Multi Chain necklace
$42- Marc New York Basic Clubmaster sunglasses
$163 total retail value for the price of $54.90- a savings of 66%. It comes out to having paid (roughly) $15 for the necklace, $17 for the earrings, $9 for the chain necklace, and $14 for the sunglasses.

Still difficult to believe
that I got them both!
The May bag was actually my 2nd Little Black Bag experience. I opened a bag in April in which I ended up with 2 items. I was happy with my April bag as well; I just haven’t written it up yet and I was so excited about this May bag.

It seemed to take forever to arrive, much longer than my April bag had taken. My bag closed on May 29th, it shipped the next day, and then I kept tracking it every day. Between June 1st and June 11th, tracking went silent- no updates. On the 12th, it said in transit to [my town]. Now, from the main post office to my town’s post office, things usually take just a day. It didn’t get to my town’s post office until the 16th! I was starting to think it wouldn’t arrive. I checked the mail each day. Waited for the doorbell to ring (because I didn’t know what size the box would be and our usual mailman is good and brings our boxes to our door).

Saturday the 16th, it said “out for delivery.” I had to leave for a friend’s Shower and it still hadn’t arrived yet. So I checked the mailbox before I left- there it was! The box was stuffed into our box, just barely fitting in with the regular mail. I took the mail with me and opened the box before stepping into my friend’s Shower.

So count that up- it was little over 2 weeks for shipping, plus the 7 days I took for the trading. I had been in anticipation for quite awhile- especially because of the trade mishap! Ahhh, I feel so much better now that the items are in my hands!

I will hopefully write up a better description of the Little Black Bag site & service soon, as well as what I got in my April bag. I skipped the bag for the month of June, although there are still Betsey items on the site that I would love to have- I will have to let the necklace and earrings satisfy me for now.

Even my ear is smiling!
If this post has made anyone too curious to wait for my write ups and would like to check out the site already, please use my referral link to sign up? Signing up is free and there is no obligation unless and until you purchase your first bag, which one may purchase as a one-time deal for $59.95 or as a monthly subscription for $49.95 a month. The monthly subscription may also be skipped within the first 5 days of the month and you won’t be charged. The description links, FAQ links, and other helpful links will be listed at the end of this post.

LBB does not ship internationally yet but sounds like they're working on it.

I paid for the items myself; I am not receiving anything for sharing the site with you! As always, I simply enjoy passing on to you what I think is a good thing!

Please leave comments/ questions/ quick “Hello!” in the comment area at the end of the post.

Thank you for reading and I hope that you'll come to enjoy Little Black Bag as much as I do!


== LITTLE BLACK BAG: My Links ==

Monday, June 18, 2012

Into The Good Book: Day 170

Ugh, I woke up today and felt like I had sludge for brains. The sick-sounding person sat next to me, the same sick person who got me sick last time and I was a sweating slug for 2 weeks. Please pray for people’s health!

I am still in catch-up mode. I missed reading anything on Saturday- I had a friend’s shower, and then I hung out with my sweet friend Rachel the rest of the night.

In my last update, I was up through May 13th. I am currently caught up through May 27th, so I read 2 week’s worth in 1 week- not bad. I was hoping to have read further but this is the King David and King Solomon passages of which I find fascinating. This was mainly in The Chronicle books, not the same or as exciting as The Chronicles of Narnia but still quite interesting.

I mean, King David, the mighty warrior, the poet, the dancer, the shepherd, was there anything in which he could not be successful? And then to have a son like Solomon, one whom it must’ve been difficult for David to imagine considering how David and Bathsheba came together. When one is in anguish over having sinned against God, it must be difficult to imagine receiving more blessings after.

Then there is the king that Solomon became. To ask for wisdom at a young age, and for the sake of the people, not for his own ambitions…. Today we marvel at such thinkers like Stephen Hawking or still of Albert Einstein and the like, Solomon was and is yet the wisest man that ever lived or will live. I don’t know, I’m not quite so smart so I have absolutely no idea what that must have been like.

On that note, I don’t have any deep insights to share at this point. Well, maybe this could be one…. I was talking recently with a friend about grievances we have with people and patience- in general- we talked about a lot of things.

For example, I think of people I don’t like (there aren’t many at all) or the habits of others that I don’t like, that I think are… rude or improper. I don’t mean things that I think are so simply in my opinion but things that ought to apply for all persons, as in stealing- I can’t think that anyone would see stealing as a virtue, something that all persons should take part in stealing at all or on a regular basis.

The thing is, even if I am aware of the sin or “bad habit,” let’s say, of another person, I can still have grace and patience with that person because I don’t know that God is not working in that person about that “bad habit.” It could be that the person is not ready to face the habit and gain self-control regarding it. Their time has not yet come.

John 9 was a part of my readings for last week. Jesus heals a man whom was born blind. The Pharisees questioned the man. The man testified that Jesus had healed him. So in verse 24, the Pharisees say, “God should get the glory for this, because we know this man Jesus is a sinner.” [NLT].

The now-seeing man replies, “I don’t know whether he is a sinner but I know this: I was blind, and now I can see!” [v. 25]

The Pharisees were trying to trap Jesus in something, anything! They were judging Jesus for a sin that they could not find, that no one could find, because it wasn’t even there. That’s easy for me to say, yes, because I’ve read the whole book, I know what happens later.

Where was I going with this? Let me try- let us not be like the Pharisees, so desiring to find the faults in others in order that we might judge them. Whether we know of another person’s sin or not, and we know there is sin somewhere because none of us are Jesus, let us yet have grace with each other. Let us not go around spreading the fault in order to gather up more judges. If it is God’s will that we do so, let us step in to lovingly admonish the person towards better and send up a prayer to God on our behalf- “our” because I’m a sinner too.

I’ve had things said behind my back, gossip. I’ve had sin I ought to confess, I’m not perfect, but I was not going to confess to my accusers because their intentions were not good. They simply wanted to find anything they could to get me out of my position. Same happened to my friend, and we are both still hurting from those experiences. In both cases, the accusers did not come to us directly.

I pray that I remember the heart of the blind man, to not find fault where there is none, or we might miss the joy of having someone’s sight restored.

Take that for what it’s worth. I’m not a Bible scholar by any means, yet I hope I’m on the path of one. That is my simple understanding of that small passage, guided by my own experiences.

If you have any insights, please leave it in the comment area below.

Also, are you reading through the Bible too? How are you doing with your readings? Are there insights from your studies that you would like to share?

Thank you for reading and may you have several blessings this week (and I mean that whether you are a believer or not)!

*Pssst- have you checked out YouVersion yet?

Friday, June 15, 2012

Healthy Go [June 15, 2012]

 This week’s update is a bit unimpressive.

I moved a little more than usual this week. I got in some walking and worked my arms a bit in scrubbing my carpet of cat hairs. I would like wood floors next or laminate to make it easier to clean. It’s not just the cat hair, it’s my hair too- I have a lot of it, thick and shedding. I sound so attractive right now, don’t I?

On Monday, I started to keep track of the soda and water intake in my planner. Since tracking it, I have had 2 sodas and 48 oz of water. I also had a lot of lemon iced tea because it’s hot outside and iced tea is just good!

My extra calories definitely come through liquids. I want to get a pitcher to brew iced tea with all the teas I have so that I can have better control of how much sugar is in it. I have a wonderful lychee tea from The Pacific Place Tea Garden that would probably be great iced!

I had less pastry goodies this week. I’m keeping up with at least 2 salads a week. I used to have half a salad at a time but now I’m seeing how it is to have a full salad for either lunch or dinner. So far, I haven’t felt the need to munch on too much stuff after the salad, which is good. No French fries have passed through my esophagus this week.

I think I’ve mentioned in this journal before but it was probably awhile ago so I’ll say it again since it’s appropriate: I like oatmeal now. I didn’t used to and I thought it was because it’s mushy whereas I like having crunch in my food. I generally don’t like mushy stuff- I still don’t like applesauce and would rather have an apple. I like yogurt but I need to mix granola or real fruit in it.

I found out that I didn’t like oatmeal before because Mom would make it and she puts more salt in it than I do. Now I make the oatmeal myself and it has less of a salt taste to it. I do add brown sugar but I figure that eating more oatmeal even with some sugar is better than eating a bunch of cheeseburgers.

I had a Jamba Juice bowl. That’s healthy, right? I really wanted the chocolate strawberry bowl, I think it is (?) but I’m not sure what it’s called since I don’t see the bowls on the JJ website. They have a bowl that comes with a chocolate chip and banana topper that I’ve had before and I really like it. Instead, I had the strawberry bowl that had a granola and fresh sliced banana topper.

What was the worst thing I ate this week? I’m trying to think of what it was. It was probably the 2 pianomos and half a bag of potato chips. I love the crunchy, salty, potato yummy-ness! And the chips were because I ran out of my Snapeas and haven’t gone to pick up more bags of that yet- plus, I did manage to slow down and have just half a bag of Snapea a day. At least I did not have a whole bag of chips, or even more!

Having the salads and other healthier stuff does keep in my mind that I don’t want to sabotage or take away from that healthiness by eating tons of junk, so that has been a good slow mind change.

This week’s stats----
Weight: no scale
Height: Still short
Activity: a little up from previous
Gym time: None
Size: a tight 10
Food: a little less junk, a little more healthy
Liquids: ~48 oz H2O throughout the week, not good; ~4 sodas, down from previous

As always, insert encouragement below in the comment area please! Also, what healthy change have you decided to make recently? Do you have any healthy tips- cooking, exercise, motivation, etc.?

Thank you for reading and let’s do this!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Listen to This: “You, Ku‘uipo” by Willie K

I had a difficult time finding a song to share that wasn’t sad- haha! I like sad music but I guess I didn’t realize how much of it was sad.

So, I bring to you a little lively island music instead, courtesy of Willie K.

Unfortunately, it’s not easy to find a live or official music video of Hawaiian music on YouTube, so here you go, get familiar with the album cover.

I don’t really have anything deep or personal to share about this song and my life- I just enjoy it very much. It puts me in a good mood.

It’s not that there isn’t anything deep about the song itself. Hawaiians are/were very adept in layering the meanings of their words, with songs and poetry having innuendos tucked in nicely. I don’t know for sure if this song contains any innuendo or if it’s just a lively, lovely song. If anyone has better insight into the song, please share it in the comment section below!

“Ku‘uipo” is generally accepted to mean “sweetheart.” The best I could find on it comes from the Pocket Hawaiian Dictionary by Puku‘i and Elbert. The dictionaries I accessed didn’t have “ku‘uipo” among their entries so I broke it up in parts which sometimes works for finding the meaning of Hawaiian words.

“Ku‘u” means “My, mine.” (2nd definition)
“Ipo” is “Sweetheart, lover.”

This is available on iTunes in a few versions; search in the iTunes store for “Willie K.” I would suggest the version from the album “Amy & Willie Live.” It is a recording from their tour- you’ll get to hear how entertaining Willie K is. He interacts with the crowd too. I think island music is always best live!

There you go. I hope this helps you get through the week. Share this song with your ku‘uipo!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Untitled [June 12, 2012]

I’m pretty disgusted with myself at the moment.

It has been a rough time for me. I can’t say exactly what because it feels like it has been a gradual decline in… I don’t know what. Some days I’m up and some days I’m down. I feel like I’ve been more down than up for far too long that I’m trying to get up and I can’t because I just don’t remember how to get up anymore. I keep trying and then find myself even more down than when I had started. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying.

And it makes me cry because I don’t like being a downer. I don’t know that anyone likes being a downer but some don’t realize when they’re being a downer quite frequently. I generally know when I’m being a downer and I’ll slap myself out of it. Or I’ll go away until I can get a grip on my down-ness.

I don’t like telling people that I’m down and need some help or encouragement. I’m not used to having to ask; usually I’m around friends who pick up my spirits, sometimes even without realizing that they’re doing so.

My good and true friends mostly live elsewhere. They do their best for me despite the distance, but they shouldn’t have to do so much. I don’t want to be a burden. I want them to enjoy themselves; I don’t want them worrying about me.

And online friends I’ve made whom I’ve never met in person, they’re so lovely. I don’t understand sometimes how they can have such care for me. I mean, I should understand because I care for them as well, but I know me. I know I’m not so great.

Sometimes I think that they can say such kind things about me because they don’t really know how ugly I can be, you know? It’s not the same as having someone who’s been physically by my side through it all say, “Jenn, I know you. You’re better and smarter than you know. You’ve grown so much from being such a little punk that you used to be.”

And sometimes I need something stronger than an internet hug. That’s just reality.

I have felt so alone for so long….

I have a good family. I’m around them all the time. Yet no one is perfect and I don’t feel like I can talk any one of them. I don’t get the support from them that I need at the moment.

I had to walk away before I snapped at someone for giving a sarcastic response, typical of the person. I can be quite sarcastic myself; I’m trying to rid myself of it because you can never know when someone is about to snap at just the wrong words. Another time, someone said something they thought was quite funny; I felt like crud after their comment.

I’m not used to all of this. I’m not used to feeling so sensitive towards so much.

The thing is, I’m a very independent person. I often enjoy doing things on my own. Or I used to.

I would go to the movies by myself. I go to the beach by myself. Shopping by myself. I do a lot of things by myself. Yet when I’m feeling so isolated, doing things by myself just amplifies the loneliness.

Even independent people need to know that there’s somewhere or someone they can go to when they truly need it. When I know who I can turn to for any reason at any time that I need them, I feel empowered to do things on my own. That may sound odd yet it’s how I tend to operate.

And those people who say that no one can make you feel like junk unless you let them? That can be true sometimes. When you have great support around you, you can more easily wave off negative things from others. When those who are supposed to be your support are the ones who say junk things to you, not so easy to ignore.

I’m quite self-motivated when I’ve got support around me. The support doesn’t have to do much. I just need them to be there.

Oh, and I’ve discovered that I don’t appreciate it when anyone says junk about it being that time of the month, even other women. It’s like saying, “You’re crazy ‘cuz it’s that time of the month. That’s all,” as if whatever I’m upset about is nothing. It might be nothing to you but it could be quite something to me. It’s dismissive and insensitive no matter.

Plus, I’m not generally motivated by that time of the month. At least in my opinion, I’m quite even-keeled even when it is time to be hormonal. I don’t often have crazy fluctuations in my hormones.

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Posts like these are why I don’t really post to FB that I’ve posted a new one.

It’s just been so much junk for the past few years.

I remember being so hopeful in 2008. I was in the dumps before that and now I find myself back in the dumps again. One can sense it in these posts too even though I tend to be very private about things.

All this has been another reason why I am trying to get away from Facebook too. I say “trying” because a lot of sites are easier to log in through FB, or they’re requiring log in through FB, and it’s annoying me. However, what I was getting at is that I get it that social media like FB are absolutely wonderful for keeping in touch with those who are faraway and such.

At this time, I very much dislike how some people who have my phone number are trying to interact with me through FB. It’s like how my mom tells me that so-and-so asked about me at church. Hello! That person could tell me themselves how much they miss me, if they truly do miss me at all. I know, I sound harsh right now. I try not to be but I’m more of an action-type person. If I care about someone, I try to show it in any way possible. I’m usually not shy about that. I’m not passive about that.

Pick up the phone and use it. And if I don’t reply, try again another time. And again. I’m just tired of people’s excuses.

Sometimes it’s just my dumb phone. It will randomly update itself and then I’ll lose all my messages, so sometimes I don’t even know that someone messaged. SO TRY AGAIN!

Some people might be reading this and saying “Jenn, you hypocrite!” And they would be right, I’ll admit it. I’m not picking up phones myself at the moment. I’m rarely up to seeing people these days. I want to see people but I don’t. These days it takes a lot of energy to get myself ready to see people. I don’t like pretending. I don’t like putting on a happy okay face when I’m not okay.

If I am at odds with someone and it’s serious enough to me, I don’t like pretending that things are okay. I don’t like not being genuine. I will be polite and respectful, but don’t expect me to smile and giggle at their attempt at a joke.

If you’ve read this far, I apologize. I still post these things to be… honest? I don’t want anyone thinking that I’ve really got things going or that I think I’m so great. Ultimately, I’m just like everyone else. I have struggles. I’m very tough on myself, much tougher than people realize; sometimes I do need to give myself a break.

Also, I’m having a difficult time opening up to others. I know this is affecting me and someone I ought to be able to trust. I’m trying not to have anyone “pay” for the hurts others have caused me and it’s difficult for me at this time. I wish they knew how much I am trying.

So what keeps me going really? All I have is Jesus. For my lodging and meals, my family’s helping me. For my soul and everything, it’s Jesus. I’m not kidding. I want so much for others to know what it’s like to know Him. In 2008, I was becoming more open about that even though I felt like it was all new to me too (even though it wasn’t exactly new to me at all). It’s tough to explain.

I know God is all I need. I just know that this isn’t what he originally intended for me. I don’t want fame, I’m not looking for fortune- I just want to get to that place where my life reflects him so much that others see it and wonder, and I’m so much farther from that mark than I used to be. Anyways, this dumpy-ness I've been in has motivated me to catch up on my Bible reading. I cannot do life without God. 

I appreciate all I have in my life. I appreciate you. This is simply my struggle with wanting more. 

I keep thinking I’m writing the ending and then I’ve gone on several paragraphs. Goodness. Please have grace with me?

Mahalo for reading. 

P.S. I've shared this song before and here it is again. "Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?" I hope that it won't.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Monday 163

I don’t have a collective title for the Monday posts yet. 163 just comes from the day of the year I ought to be on. If you have a suggestion, let me know in the comment area at the end of the post!

I am on the Old Testament and New Testament one-year Bible reading plan through the YouVersion app on my Kindle.

Today is day 163 of 366 and the readings scheduled are Ezra 3-5 and John 20.

As one can see, most of the days’ readings are going to be a few chapters in the Old Testament and a chapter in the New Testament. I don’t know how I like this particular plan yet. I will say that it is quite interesting to read the “old” stuff and then be reminded of where all that old stuff is leading towards in the New Testament. This time around, I’m recognizing the OT prophecies about Jesus more than I did before, and then I get to read about how they became fulfilled through Jesus.

As I’ve mentioned before, I am behind on the reading; I was about 2 months behind. Today, I am up through the readings for May 13th, which was 2 Kings 19-21 and is about 1 month behind at this point so I’m doing well in catching up. Late 2 Kings is about the time when the Israelites are going into exile, the King of Judah is following the Lord, and it is the time of the prophet Isaiah.

This is the second time that I’m reading through the Bible. The first time was a few years ago and in the New International Version. I am reading the New Living Translation now. It is a little more readable than the NIV; I still like the NIV but I think reading the NLT has opened a few new insights for me. I’m constantly creating notes for myself as I read on.

I thought I would share a note I wrote from what I read through in the last week and there isn’t anything really share-worthy. Mostly the past week I’ve written a lot of questions, a lot of “what does this mean?” One can imagine, that is a frequent question while reading the Bible.

Here are a few links to posts about my first Bible read-through that I think are interesting and might share a tip or two or an encouragement that speaks to you.

I reread them myself and… I miss me from back then! I am glad that I wrote those posts because they are an encouragement to me this time around. Is that weird? My past me, who was in a much better all-around place than the me now, is encouraging myself. Did that even make sense? I could use all the encouragement I can get at this point, just in general life, and if it must come from myself… hey, so be it.

If you were to read just one of the old posts, I would suggest that second one, “Such Thin Pages.” Of course, I’d appreciate it if you read all 3 of them, but this one was my favorite to write. I think it will be an encouragement for you if you’re also trying to get through the Bible. It’s a little reflective of how one reads the Bible a page at a time and how that relates to our lives, living it one day at a time.

That is all for this post. As always, feel free to leave a comment or question in the comment area below!

Thank you for reading!