Tuesday, August 2, 2011

A Postscript to a Post

First, the way that my entries post is that the newest one posted is on top. So if I post two entries on the same day, the one I post secondly that day will appear first on the homepage.

Second, I ought to have posted two entries today, this one and the one below. So I wrote this entry after another one and to be paired with that one, but I posted the two in the order in which I wrote them [are you totally confused yet?]. I was wondering if I should post them so that they will be read in the order in which I wrote them. I decided to purposely post them on the same day and in the order in which I wrote them so that they will read out of order if you have just clicked to the homepage and not to individual post links like one might get by RSS feed.

So, here is the Postscript.

To anyone whom might read this,

If you have read the previous entry and are now reading this one, thank you.

If you have not read the previous entry and are now reading this one, it might be better if you continue reading this one first.

I don’t know what your reaction might be to the previous entry. If I had come across something like it- and I think I have, just in differing situations- I would think…

No, allow me be more direct.

I sat for a long time on writing any response to the person’s message to me. I thought every so often about whether or not I cared enough to respond in any way or if I did respond, whether or not I would want the person to actually read it.

I also sat on it because I was very hurt by someone in mostly little actions that have piled up into one big… silence and non-presence on my part. So the person might not think so, but I believe that I’ve tried many times before to deal with the individual little hurts as soon as it became apparent that something needed attention. I haven’t been able to in this circumstance and so I found myself wanting to bring up every little thing until that person gives any kind of answer to any one of them because the person hasn’t.

I know that I intended calmness, even when I was angry going into a meeting with this person. I know that in such circumstances, I tend to move in a cold, business-like manner. Yet with this person, I found myself unable to maintain such a manner and so I was in a shouting match. As soon as I catch myself in a shouting match, I shut down. I try to hear everything another person is saying but if I sense that I am not being heard, I stop talking.

And like I have said in the response, I’m not advocating for rampant offensiveness. My initial gut response was most likely more offensive than the posted response.

Indeed, I did write a response, not right away to the message, but about a couple weeks before this posting. I often have difficulty sleeping and one night my wandering thoughts brought me to this person. I got so angry! So I got out of bed and started writing something. I wanted to list all the things I was still hurting over, all the things for which I feel the person has not adequately responded.

The thing is, many of those things I had thought I had given up to God and forgiven the person. I suppose part of the reason why those offenses still bother me is because I never told the person that I had forgiven. I had a chance to, I had the intention to, a specific moment when I could have… and backed down from doing so.

I’ve asked myself why I backed down. I heard somewhere that forgiveness is a gift one gives to oneself. Not forgiving is like drinking poison while expecting the other person to die.

Anyways, the response you did read, while I wrote it I began to soften, to allow the anger to melt into sadness for a botched friendship. I suppose it’s what people call “catharsis.” If nothing comes out of this, I know that I am going to be okay. If something comes out of this, like a renovated friendship, great. I’m not sure which outcome I should wish for more.

I also toyed with trying to write something like this but in a not-so-direct manner. I found it difficult to do so.

I dwell much on the quote shared in the response: Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. I see it in so many situations. I try to catch the word/action disconnect in myself whenever possible.

One example that I’ve been working on but struggling with is to love my parents better. I have come to believe that obedience is love. I’ve written earlier this year that I am a strong-willed child, so one can imagine how tough obedience is coming to someone who has practiced the opposite for decades. But I love my parents, I really do. I have two good parents and I know how blessed I am to have them. Yet I am constantly catching myself behaving as if I don’t love them.

Okay, I think I’m starting to ramble.

Short path: I was hurt by someone and angry with the person. I am trying to forgive the person. I think one could read the softening of my anger between the lines of the response as it went on. Main point- if you care about someone, do what you can to let them know that you do. How many times? As often as possible.

I think that main point is applicable to anyone, and so I went ahead and posted the response. I’ll probably come back to that point often in future posts. It’s a huge motivation for myself. It has motivated me more so in recent times to do more things that I don’t want to do if it might help someone sense my care of them.

Anyways, I’m just… shaking my head about a great many things, one of the reasons why I feel so displaced. What’s it all for, God? I used to have the vision but for the first time in my life the word “impossible” is starting to creep in….

Sigh. Well, thank you for reading.