Saturday, July 30, 2011


I feel like I am in an alternate universe, one in which this Jennifer did not originate. I don’t know when or how or why this switch took place. I hope the Jennifer of this universe is faring well in my original universe.

Maybe it’s just me.

I was looking up an old friend on facebook. The search came up with someone with my friend’s name, but no picture, no info to be shared, so I have no way of knowing if that is my friend or someone else with the same name.

I tried looking through a few of our mutual friends’ lists to see if he was there. I came up with nothing.

So I searched the “omniscient” Google. Mostly it brought up those public search sites, which make me wonder if a good old friend is searching for me… or if someone in their “left mind” will pop up someday. I am feeling both wistful and scared at the same time.

Google also brought up a newspaper name mention of him from our school days.

Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m looking for my old friend. I think some kind of representation of him was in my dream last night. I often have pieces of school show up in my dreams but that is another matter for psychoanalysis for another time.

I suppose I’m caught in a sentimental phase.

It’s frightening. I’m thinking of a scene in a TV show where a mother is talking to her daughter about popularity, peer pressure and the likes. She tells her daughter, “You don’t want to peak in high school. Trust me.”

I guess I’m wondering if I peaked in high school. Not that I was popular or gave in to peer pressure because I wasn’t and I rarely did/do. Sometimes I feel like that was the last period of my life when I would go around and things made sense. Or when people didn’t necessarily understand me in order to let me hang around them. I was odd and people liked that I was odd. Or didn’t like that I was odd and I didn’t care.

Or it was just a time when I had to hang out for 20 hours a week with people not like me. I loved it. I learned from them, maybe they learned from me. I know I was a better person for it.

Things don’t feel like that today. Or it’s that I met a group that is REALLY NOT like that.

So, back to my old friend. No, he’s not a former boyfriend- that’s not why I was looking him up and I didn’t date in high school. I can’t exactly put my finger on why him.

Maybe it’s because I sense that we were very similar.

I’m having a difficult time picturing him as a full-fledged adult. I’m having a difficult time picturing myself as one as well. I’m having a difficult time of life in general. I’m hoping that he’s faring better. I’m wondering what he would tell me if I told him about the issues that have been circling my brain lately. Or would he just make me laugh like he used to because he knew that was what I needed most?

If his non-existence on Facebook is any indication that he hasn’t really kept together with his high school friends, well, I haven’t either, even though I have a Facebook presence. I’m hoping he’s found a current group of friends that are truly caring of him.

I suppose I'd like to know how to survive this displacement. If he's survived... better, if he's thriving... then maybe I can too.

I sense that I was going somewhere with this but that I’ve probably lost it. I’ve always felt somewhat displaced, somewhat out of the ordinary. I suppose it’s hitting me in this way today.

I also looked up another friend with whom I am Facebook friends. Did I notice before that she’s married now or is this the first time I’m noticing? She is rarely on and also has no profile picture.

And I keep looking for another friend. The last I heard was that he was off for a Physical Therapy program on the mainland. I somewhat keep in touch with one of his good friends. The trouble with my leg keeps him on my mind- that and the fact that I don’t have money so any free and good advice a friend would give would be great! lol

Why are the people I’m looking for missing? Have they been displaced too?

I hope not. I hope you haven’t either.

Thank you for reading.