Saturday, July 30, 2011

Displaced

I feel like I am in an alternate universe, one in which this Jennifer did not originate. I don’t know when or how or why this switch took place. I hope the Jennifer of this universe is faring well in my original universe.

Maybe it’s just me.



I was looking up an old friend on facebook. The search came up with someone with my friend’s name, but no picture, no info to be shared, so I have no way of knowing if that is my friend or someone else with the same name.

I tried looking through a few of our mutual friends’ lists to see if he was there. I came up with nothing.

So I searched the “omniscient” Google. Mostly it brought up those public search sites, which make me wonder if a good old friend is searching for me… or if someone in their “left mind” will pop up someday. I am feeling both wistful and scared at the same time.

Google also brought up a newspaper name mention of him from our school days.

Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m looking for my old friend. I think some kind of representation of him was in my dream last night. I often have pieces of school show up in my dreams but that is another matter for psychoanalysis for another time.

I suppose I’m caught in a sentimental phase.



It’s frightening. I’m thinking of a scene in a TV show where a mother is talking to her daughter about popularity, peer pressure and the likes. She tells her daughter, “You don’t want to peak in high school. Trust me.”

I guess I’m wondering if I peaked in high school. Not that I was popular or gave in to peer pressure because I wasn’t and I rarely did/do. Sometimes I feel like that was the last period of my life when I would go around and things made sense. Or when people didn’t necessarily understand me in order to let me hang around them. I was odd and people liked that I was odd. Or didn’t like that I was odd and I didn’t care.

Or it was just a time when I had to hang out for 20 hours a week with people not like me. I loved it. I learned from them, maybe they learned from me. I know I was a better person for it.

Things don’t feel like that today. Or it’s that I met a group that is REALLY NOT like that.



So, back to my old friend. No, he’s not a former boyfriend- that’s not why I was looking him up and I didn’t date in high school. I can’t exactly put my finger on why him.

Maybe it’s because I sense that we were very similar.

I’m having a difficult time picturing him as a full-fledged adult. I’m having a difficult time picturing myself as one as well. I’m having a difficult time of life in general. I’m hoping that he’s faring better. I’m wondering what he would tell me if I told him about the issues that have been circling my brain lately. Or would he just make me laugh like he used to because he knew that was what I needed most?

If his non-existence on Facebook is any indication that he hasn’t really kept together with his high school friends, well, I haven’t either, even though I have a Facebook presence. I’m hoping he’s found a current group of friends that are truly caring of him.

I suppose I'd like to know how to survive this displacement. If he's survived... better, if he's thriving... then maybe I can too.



I sense that I was going somewhere with this but that I’ve probably lost it. I’ve always felt somewhat displaced, somewhat out of the ordinary. I suppose it’s hitting me in this way today.

I also looked up another friend with whom I am Facebook friends. Did I notice before that she’s married now or is this the first time I’m noticing? She is rarely on and also has no profile picture.

And I keep looking for another friend. The last I heard was that he was off for a Physical Therapy program on the mainland. I somewhat keep in touch with one of his good friends. The trouble with my leg keeps him on my mind- that and the fact that I don’t have money so any free and good advice a friend would give would be great! lol

Why are the people I’m looking for missing? Have they been displaced too?



I hope not. I hope you haven’t either.

Thank you for reading.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

That’s Just Sick

What a couple of months I’ve been having. So there was the leg thing, which is still… taking some getting used to- it’s almost like my left leg has been exerting some strong-will of its own.

Now for the past week I have been sick. I mean SICK. I think it’s the flu. I feel sick often enough but this has been the most sick I’ve been in a long time… I think.

My throat started itching on Sunday night. Then the achiness, runny nose and cough began. I took an allergy remedy so the nose was taken care of right away and hasn’t reoccurred. I’ve coughed up very little phlegm yet. I haven’t been very hungry either.

The fever was full-blown by Tuesday. The fever broke late Thursday… only to try making a comeback on Friday. So Friday-Saturday-today, I slept A LOT.

There have been moments of feeling better only to feel worse again later.

Blech.



So, the leg… I still don’t have full range of motion back and I haven’t been working it much since being sick. Last night it ached more than it has in a while- I don’t know if that has to do with being sick.

I still think my left foot looks freaky, like it’s not my own foot but a transplant somehow. I kind of think my whole leg looks different but I can only really see my foot clearly. It’s a slightly different color than the right one, a little darker. The arch is flatter than it used to be.

Sensations through my leg are… interesting. When I stretch out on my bed, the left leg pulls up instead of pushing straight out. And it tingles, like a series of tiny shocks communicating with each other- “she said to straighten out but let’s pull tighter anyway.”

I used to sit with my left leg up or under me- maybe that attributed to it being susceptible to nerve damage? Now it feels better to sit with my knee bent 90 degrees and foot flat to the ground.

It’s still uncomfortable to sleep on my left side. I did once recently, but I think it was because I was so sick and tired that I didn’t think about my leg much.

I think I have some muscle atrophy… or it’s just that the nerve damage changed the strength and feel of my muscles; I really don’t know what’s going on.



However, I am walking. It’s not my driving leg which is good. I was going to try going back to the elliptical at the gym to see how it does but I’ll have to wait until I’m definitely not sick anymore- don’t want to spread that around!

All this motivates me more to lose weight and gain more muscle. And clean my room more.

Also, since I had a lot of quiet time, I’ve blazed through a bunch of books and movies. I’ve snooped some of my friends’ Facebook pages, especially the photos.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about change. I mean, it’s constantly on my mind anyway as no day is completely the same, no two experiences lived the same way, and I don’t like to stagnate. I think people look at me and expect me to always be like this- whatever it is they think of me. There is a sense that is and always will be me but I am not the same me I was 5 years ago, I am not the same me I was 10 years ago. I’ve been thinking about my next evolution- is there something I should definitely start moving towards?



Okay, I could ramble on. You’re lucky you’re not in my head!

Thank you for reading.