Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Untitled [01.04.2011]

So, I’ve figured out that I’ve been laboring under the wrong impression.

See, I was looking to make friends. I knew I would need more than just a casual friend. My best-of-the-best sister/friend moved away, leaving a major local position empty. I wasn’t thinking that I’d automatically find someone to fill that position exactly. No one truly replaces another. I just thought, I’m definitely going to need some friends.

I am usually able to come out with at least one good friend among a group. I am more comfortable with guys than I am with girls. Usually guys are more straightforward and drama-avoiding, which I tend to be also. I also tend to enjoy typical guy activities like sports and sci-fi and fantasy stuff, at least more those things than shopping and who’s-dating-who and that stuff.

So, I thought I was just making many friends and it seemed well enough that they all were in the same group. Great. They’re mostly guys. Great.

What I believe really happened was that the group thought I was interested in one of their guys [Guy A] and so they tolerated me on his behalf. Then it seemed that maybe another of their guys might be an interest also. As soon as neither guy seemed interested in me anymore, as well as some other junk because the group and I were working under drastically different information, they were no longer obligated to befriend me.

Yes, I was curious about one of their guys initially. So I set out to make the most of whatever opportunity came my way to get to know him better. It’s what I do.

1- My volunteering with the youth department had NOTHING to do with being curious about the guy. It also had nothing to do with looking to make friends. I did not USE God’s guidance and honor in order to meet a guy, I did not USE God’s work in order to fulfill MY desires. I had NOTHING to do with being partnered with Guy A.

2- Personal history: in the few times that I have been curious about a guy enough to get to know him, I have never dated the guy. It could be any number of reasons why but the two I think of are that he wasn’t interested in dating me and/ or my curiosity was satisfied at the friend-level and never grew beyond that. I’m good with that and have come out with some great guy friends.

3- All of my former boyfriends sought me out. I wouldn’t say that they “chased” me because I don’t play hard-to-get and all those games, neither did I make it completely easy on them. They made the initial moves though and I happened to deem fit to respond. So, to relate this in with #2 somewhat, when I’m the one to make the initial “moves,” I tend to lose dating interest in the guy, if indeed there had been any on my part. I operate more in the interest of friendship than in dating as a goal. Only two come to mind whom I had really hoped there would be a chance of dating while I operated under friendship.

So back to Guy A: I was curious and sought out friendship. About a month later, I attracted Guy B who sought out something with me; all the while I didn’t completely drop Guy A because I was looking for a friendship. Later, Guy C came along and our friendship grew. Still with me?

Then it gets really confusing and tangled, and part of that is what I often say: I’m dense about guys being interested in me which is why things have been easier when the guy approaches me first and made it clear that he’s interested and for what.

Guy A became interested in dating but I didn’t realize it until late, partly because of my density and because of his ways and partly because Guy B and I were still figuring things out only people didn’t know about Guy B. Guy C became curious about friendship or dating I guess? I still don’t really know about that one. Guy B and I took another break. Shortly after, Guy A and I hit a rough patch. I don’t completely know what happened with Guy C but he stopped coming around. Guy B came back and then went away again. Guy A and I hit another rough patch.

Somewhere in that mess, I confess that I tried to be the person A wanted me to be, in a way, and furthered the confusion. No matter how I felt about B, the skeptic in me reminds me that I could be wrong about everything. Yet, a huge part of me was sure that I wasn’t wrong about A and me and I went back to friendship. Age difference played a role in it but other things helped me figure out quick that dating A would be a difficult thing, not impossible but unadvised. I thought things were settled and then we had a huge falling out and still haven’t quite gotten back to friendship.

Anyways, all of that was going on and I really couldn’t keep track of what happened when and stuff. I know that people were under the impression that I was interested in either A or C and they didn’t know about B. I was interested in A and C as friends.

So, get that? I thought I was friends with A and C as well as the rest of the group. Some in the group are my friends no matter if I date one of the guys or not, of which the dating part doesn’t seem likely at all.

I adore C so much because even though he became disinterested in dating me at all [I think] and then dated someone else, I know that our friendship is important to him. Even though he went away for a bit, I could still call him up for anything and he would still spend time with me when we were in the same place. He never stopped being my friend through everything.

Now A is dating my closest local friend and even that has some complications, at least for me and I’m rather certain that neither of them will understand. It’s strange because early on I… nevermind. It’s not specifically about them dating. This is all I’ll say about that at this point.

I think for some in the group, they’ll think that I left because A was no longer an option for me. It would seem that way to them because they don’t have all the facts and have some misinformation on top of that and because of how things seem along the timeline.

Many other things are going on at the same time though. Mainly is the thing that I’m typing about on this post: that I was looking for friends in general and thought I had, while others thought I was looking to date. We were operating under different impressions. And since the dating is not going on, they are no longer obligated to befriend me. I get it now. While I know that some will be my friend even without the dating, the group…………

Here’s the thing: I’ve been told that the group is probably at its capacity. I would add that if that’s true, then it’s at its capacity unless a dating relationship occurs, then the group allows for the girlfriend to come “in.” They thought that was going to be me, it’s not, and so they have no place for me. On one hand, this makes me more okay with leaving. I’m not going to mention what the other hand REALLY wants to do!

You can’t tell me that the group is at its capacity and then ask me if I want to be with the group. Don’t tell me that I can’t get the group to want me and then ask if I want to be with the group. It doesn’t make sense. You can’t tell me that the group isn’t going to make an effort if I don’t want to be with the group and then ask me because it’s not up to me. It sounds like pity friendship and I don’t need any of that. After being rejected and opposed on every side, don’t ask me if I want to be with the group. Even when I wanted to be with the group, it was pretty much on my efforts. I don’t believe that the group will embrace me even if I still wanted to be with the group. It hasn’t happened.

I approached the group with my friendship. I didn’t care who people were or what they were like or who doesn’t like who or any of that. I didn’t come to that group in order to date A or C or anyone. I gave gifts. I did more than my best to befriend each person. I helped get everyone together, EVERYONE, not for me but for the good of the group. I made time to spend with whomever. I cared, I prayed, I got things started. I didn’t ditch people so I could spend time with B. I thought I was a pretty good friend to have.

When I needed the group, the group let me down. I’m not talking about individual efforts though some individuals have let me down also. I have been the one to seek out amends. Because I cared. So don’t ask me if I want to be with the group.

So partly I’m leaving because it doesn’t seem to matter. I get it now. As long as they have their group together, they don’t have enough care for me. It might sound like I’m asking for a lot but I’m not. I’m not only asking for myself but also on the behalf of others who might come along looking to be their friend. Maybe I just define/ labor friendships differently. Some may realize I’m not around, again, but they’re probably not going to make a move, like they didn’t last time. The other parts are that… nevermind.

Perhaps some other time.

I am making friends again. Well, I’m always looking to make friends, but another group is starting to welcome me. I don’t see that someday they’ll start calling me up just to hang out, but what is right now is enough right now. I think we’re both operating under the same impression, that I’m a sort-of-mentor-role-model/ friend type with them [they role model for me in different areas], more that than a buddy-buddy type and hopefully not a dating-interest type AT ALL for they are much younger.

And in any case, remember what I said? No one replaces another. I might be able to enjoy another friend or another group, yet it will never make up for what I thought I had.

Even the one that’s close to my age, well, I’ll just say that I am operating under my usual interest of friendship. And I am being very careful about that.

[I know people are speculating. If they’re gossiping, you know, I just don’t care what they’re saying. They shouldn’t be saying anything, but my experience says they probably are. I’m meaning specific people and people in general, that gossip is a rampant and insidious thing. Also, that people think they have me figured out but they don’t have a clue and don’t care to have any. I have no control over what others do.]

So here I go again, looking for people to be friends with, to hang out with, to care about, etc.

I hate this. *Sigh*

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