Monday, January 3, 2011

Untitled [01.03.2011]

Today is not a good day. Even with God, life can be tough.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not care.

If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have to deal with these emotions with which I have no idea what to do. If I didn’t care, I could move more easily to other thoughts. If I didn’t care, I would choose to do what I want. If I didn’t care, I could walk away like it’s nothing. If I didn’t care, I could stay like it’s nothing. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t deal with other people’s bull.

You know what’s strange? Both my heart and my mind are in conflict over you. Both are giving messages to leave you and to stay with you. I tend to follow my mind more than my heart but it fails me on this one.

What scares me is that God has done so much work on my heart, to soften it, and whether I stay or go could mean hardening it again. I pray that any hardening be temporary, in order to do what I have to do.

So here’s some plain unemotional honesty: you can be a jerk sometimes. And an idiot. And I will say that because I will never condemn you for it knowing that I can be those at times also.

I would welcome you back as if nothing happened but you don’t want that do you? I would never leave you but you don’t believe me, do you? Or is it that you cannot believe me?

I would love you like no one can believe, not even you.

I’ve told you what I want. I wasn’t subtle about it.

You don’t have to throw it in my face. I should think you are trying too hard to convince yourself that you are unaffected. When I’m in the room with you, you pretend not to notice. When I come close, you pull away. When I walk away, you pout and stare for not wanting to call out.

You’re the one who’s confused. You’re the one who’s scared.

I get it. I gambled and I lost. But so did you.

I’ve done all I am able and more. I don’t have to be affected by you anymore.

I’m not going to let you take me down with you. I’m on the rise. The only way for you to reach me now will be to rise up also.

And yes, there may be a moment when it could be too late. You might wake up one day to find that I’m not there. You’ll realize that I have been gone for years.

And after all of this, I’m still going to do my best to make sure that moment is never actualized.

Because there’s a reason for all those “ifs” near the beginning.

I do care. I would give my life for a friend. I would give my life for family. And on the good days when I do right by God, I would give my life for foe. I am not foolish for it.

I will not let go of my warrior’s heart, this fierce heart of the lion. I will not give up the wisdom I have gained. I will give away this love that God has for me, for it is my saving grace.

And it’s yours just the same.

Today will be a good day. Even with God, life is enough.

[Still, wouldn't mind you sending some prayers to God on my behalf!]

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