Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wrestler With Communication

So, previously I said that I used my not wanting to drive thing with Wrestler and it caused a problem. Or it didn’t cause the problem so much as confirmed what I feared, that there was a problem. I’m gonna try to explain what happened, from my view of course.

We were far enough in that I realized that we never talked about serious stuff. I’m not talking like those “where are we going” kind of talks; I’m horrible with those talks just as much as anyone. But we didn’t talk much about serious things at all. We never fought. As soon as something looked like it could turn into a conflict, Wrestler backed down.
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To understand, I’m not the typical female who is free and abundant in speech. I grew up with a talkative brother and so I would sit in the backseat quiet while Brother talked Dad’s ear off. I am so quiet with what’s going on that Mom and Dad get very worried about me.

In a friendship relationship or a romantic relationship, I am more like the typical male when it comes to communication and serious stuff. For most of my life, I’ve had to be my own best friend in secrets and privacy and constant companionship. I don’t have a lot of experience in sharing what I’m really thinking or feeling. I’m not good with emotions; the past few years have been unnerving because emotions were so overwhelming that they demanded to be let out.

Generally, I’m not the one to ask things like, “Where are we going [in this relationship]?” I have never been the first to call the other “my boyfriend” or bring up commitment talk. I have never been the first to bring up the “I love you” speech*. I am irritated when I’m in the middle of something, like a TV show [including football] or listening to a podcast, and someone talks. When I ask a question, I expect a short answer and can get impatient when met with a long story instead.

Mostly I like to be direct; beating around the bush annoys me even when I do it. Just tell me what you want or what is the real question you want an answer to. So it's easy to tell in this respect if I'm trying to avoid something or if I'm lying or if I'm not okay. When I start beating around the bush, it's typically not a good sign of something. Sometimes I just need more time, but then it goes to the next thing...

If a serious talk is necessary, I most likely need time to process things. If someone lets me off the hook, I will run away and stay away. If they wait around for me to be ready to talk, it most likely won’t happen, even if by then I want to talk. It’s something I’m aware of and so I do try to improve but it’s very difficult for me, it takes a lot out of me. I simply do not have the experience in this.
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Dating Wrestler is how I learned how important communication is in a romantic relationship. You get Wrestler who is typical male communicator and me who’s more like the typical male communicator and it’s not a good combination. Something had to give in order for us to have a chance.

I believe that things can be worked out. I'm okay with conflict because it's challenging and helps one figure out what's really valuable. If I value something enough, I go after it, I'll fight for it, I do something about it for as long as I can. In a relationship, I wanna know that it's of worth by both of us and that it has a foundation [read later about conflict and Apple]. Conflict is scary but at the same time I welcome it.

In the beginning, things looked promising, of course. Wrestler would ask me questions and get me talking. He would say what’s on his mind. He seemed like he could and would hold his own against me, something that attracts me.

Then for the first time, I found myself broaching a serious subject. I tried to get him to talk. I tried saying plainly that we don’t talk about anything serious. I tried asking questions. It was difficult. He was open about what he thought about his friends’ relationships but wouldn’t talk about us. Wrestler avoided the talking even though I could tell he had us on his mind.

So when the driving thing came up, I thought that I need to force a conflict, try out this not-very-important thing and see if we can work this small thing out. To my disappointment, we couldn’t work that out either.

Wrestler asked if I wanted to drive. Translation: Wrestler wanted me to drive that night because he was tired or was testing me or whatever. I said that I didn’t want to drive. Translation: I will drive if you ask me to but please rephrase your question better.

Wrestler avoided the conflict. He didn’t say another word. He drove that night. We couldn’t talk about it after that.

We went on a trip together. It took about another month for Wrestler to break up with me. About another month and we had our first and only fight. I found out all the things he had held against me, some of it understandable and some of it unjustified.
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Years later, I found out that Wrestler and I had a mutual friend. He told Angel to get me to talk stink about him. I couldn’t do it. The only thing I held against him was the conflict avoidance, and that’s generally not worth talking about. What does it matter to Joe or Suzie that Wrestler avoids conflict? What good does it do for Wrestler to spread that around? And I still value Wrestler; I honor our relationship by speaking well of him when I can. And as I've said before, I'm not good at lying.

This makes me wonder what he says about me... hmmm....

Aside: This is why Nellie makes fun of me when I say that I wanna be with someone who will fight with me. It’s not that I want to fight, I just need to know that we can work things out and get through a conflict together. To be honest, this is THE scariest part of any relationship for me, with boyfriends but especially with friends. The first conflict for Apple and me, terrifying yet now it’s the reason why we’ll always have each other, because our love is stronger than any conflict. We can be honest with each other and work it out and still know that we'll be together through and after it. I also have this with Crusty. The Don and I made it through one conflict but not another, so we don't have this.

What I generally tell people is that Wrestler said he would spoil me and he did; how can I complain about that?

In many other respects, Wrestler was a good boyfriend. He also makes a good friend so it kinda saddens me that we aren’t able to be friends, but that is a different issue and it’s okay. Basically, he doesn’t recognize me anymore and that can happen at times.

Maybe another time I’ll write about an experience with good or better communication.

Oh, I just thought of something else that’s more related to the typical male/ female stuff. Wrestler is more social than I am; I am not the typical social female and Wrestler had a better balance. We hung out more with his friends, he liked having them around. We also had our alone time enough so I was willing to go with him to this party or go watch his soccer game where I was the good girlfriend and talked with the other girlfriends, things like that. Wrestler had cool friends so that helped; actually, I had met most of his friends before meeting him.

Wrestler was good with telling me beforehand that we have this to go to and that next week and can I make it to the other thing. The part of communicating that he wanted me somewhere, he was good at that. When I went to the mainland for a wedding, he told me before I left how much he would miss me and asked if I would call and I did and he was happy and I felt wanted.

I could say more good things about him. I wish Wrestler well, I really do.

The end.