Saturday, December 4, 2010

What Now?

Sigh.

I had a good bad talk. A what? You read me, a good bad talk.

I thought that I was completely alone in something. I thought that Friend was fresh and so could replace me, or replace me in what God wants accomplished. I thought Friend could do it, that there was more hope in that because Friend was untainted.

So, on the one hand, the talk was good because it was honest. It confirmed that I’m not crazy or ridiculous in what I’m seeing. I got to learn more about where Friend really is. Friend is also beginning to understand my position. I learned that Friend trusts me and has faith in me. It’s a pleasant new feeling to know that someone has faith in me.

But it was bad because… it saddened me. I have no answers to bring Friend comfort. I put my brave face on and told Friend to keep praying about it, trying to keep Friend’s heart encouraged. I’m not sure I did that. And it doesn’t seem like Friend is gonna replace me and for where Friend is, I think it’s right that Friend doesn’t.

I have to keep praying. Is this God releasing me from the call or is he saying that the call is still my responsibility and mine alone? At the moment, I can’t be sure because I want… I’m torn between the two.

Among other things, I want to be the hero. I want to champion people. I wanna come through for people. It’s not because I think I’m so great because I don’t. I just think that it’s what I’m meant to do. I think others were/ are right when they say that others need me. I’m the person for the job, but I’m not getting hired.

More things have happened to silence me. Now I must be even more careful than I already am about what I say to Friend and others. I must also be more careful about what I do. It would be such a great thing if we could be more open and honest, but that is not the case. So much could be accomplished. I know that this is hurting God. How could it not?

God, I grieve the situation with you. Whatever you would have me do, please say so. Here am I.

And God, please continue to strengthen Friend’s faith. Do not let discouragement come to Friend. Give Friend endurance and a strong foundation.

Most deeply, God, I thank you. I don’t know how I have endured all this and kept my faith. It must be you. It is you.


Mahalo for reading.