Monday, December 13, 2010

Unforgiven...?

How can I know that I’ve truly forgiven a thing? I ask because things still hurt. It’s not that someone apologized and asked for forgiveness. There have been maybe two apologies that I remember and one that sought out peace between us, but the one that sought the peace, there was no conflict between us to begin with and so instead, I thanked that person for the care they have provided.

I know another one meant to apologize for something but I stopped one before it got there because it wasn’t something that I was upset about. Or at least, it didn’t affect our relationship.

It seems that people think if they’ve been forgiven, then there’s nothing to apologize for.

So I’m thinking that if I’ve been forgiven, it doesn’t mean that I can’t apologize for things that I feel poorly about. However, that would mean that I would have to feel poorly about something in order to apologize.

God can and will heal me, even if others never apologize or if they don’t express that they care. I believe that. The part that troubles is that people keep saying that they care, and then that’s it. That’s all the follow through that I get. And so I feel like I’ve made so much effort and that I’m alone.

Also, the healing could be done much easier and faster if I wasn’t alone in it.

I want others to heal also. I haven’t been doing things just for my own benefit. In the end, I wanna be able to say, with others, that we did something that glorifies God. God does move. God is personal. God is involved with us and he wants to be involved with you too. I sense that there’s a potential testimony in this situation that’s not being brought to light.

Can I forgive completely if I still hurt?

Someone tells me that they weren’t hurt. If the other wasn’t hurt, then why was there so much division? Why did they lash out? Because I have tried to take responsibility for my part in it and to make amends, but I wasn’t responsible for all of it.

I think that maybe others don’t understand what it means to hurt. Hurt isn’t just about crying or sadness. Hurt also manifests in anger and hostility. Hurt is betrayed by division and separation. My thinking is that hurt is the opposite of peace. If one’s not at peace with another, one might wanna take a look at the reason. Otherwise, it would be like war between countries over differences in like cultural or religious views, right? They just don’t like each other for no good reason. Then if that is the case between me and someone else, why should I stay?

The reason I cried in front of others was because I was hurt, yes, but more specifically I was angry. I hate being angry. Two other times when I cried in front of people were because I got to that level of anger. Despite appearances, I don’t anger easily. If I cry in public, that’s a major sign of something.

They say that it wasn’t personal. Then why have those friendships evaporated? Why was I unsupported and abandoned? Why was everything up to whatever I chose and whatever I did? I’m not talking about changes in relationships. The care I thought they had for me at one time isn’t there. I’ve been looking. I’ve been waiting. I’ve tried provoking by my actions.

I’m not talking about feeling it either because there have been times with other people when I didn’t feel cared for yet I persevered for the sake of the relationship through remembrances or occurrences of acts of care, not just feelings. This time, I’m beyond that. The memories seem like a different lifetime. For a while now, I’ve been not feeling it and the acts of care haven’t been coming either. It’s like I’m in this bubble, a vacuum and nothing reaches me. That can’t be simply on my end alone. Through all this, I’ve also been searching myself.

I’m at my end. I don’t give up easily and I don’t move on easily, but to others, that is what it will look like. Well, sometimes one just has to say that enough is enough. I’ve fought the good fight.

And maybe others are better off without me. If I leave and no care reaches me, how am I supposed to come to a different conclusion?

Two things come to mind: when I’ve been gone, whether short or long, the messages of those missing my presence has been wonderful; and then with some, when I returned, it was like my presence didn’t matter, so that’s confusing. I’m not saying that they have to be ever so grateful for my presence but I’m saying they didn’t really acknowledge that I was there either. Secondly, when I come around, some might say that they missed me, but when I was away, or away again, I didn’t get any message from them that they want me around. I’m not saying these two are the cases with everyone; just largely this is how it’s been for me. I guess partly with me is that if I miss someone, I say it, I show it, I do my best to fully acknowledge that their presence was wanted.

Maybe I’d be better off without others. If that is true, the better off part won’t be coming for a long while.
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Crusty and I went through a rough patch. It underlay our friendship for a few years. I have a guess because I could discern a certain reaction in her over a certain thing. I don’t know for sure. What I know is that she still sought out time with me and we still had our friendship. We talked about what we could talk about. We still had laughter and good times. Yet I felt like she resented me. I’d seen what her anger could do between herself and others, so I didn’t confront her on the thing between us. I suppose I would have if we had separated for it but I can’t be sure. The feelings weren’t all good like they used to be, but I had the acts of friendship to hold onto.

We had a good patch for a time, when the underlying thing wasn’t there anymore.

And then she called me one night to make amends. By then, she didn’t know how to address it because it had been so long. I wasn’t sure anymore if my guess was in any way right. Still, she said that she knew something hadn’t been right between us and that she wanted it to be right. She apologized and said that she had forgiven me.

I acknowledged that something hadn’t been right and that I wasn’t sure what it was either. I expressed my regret and that I held nothing against her so she’s forgiven.

Life has taken us our separate ways for the most part and we’ve both grown in different areas of our faithful journeys, but when we do have occasion to be together it’s all good, she’s my Crusty.

I thank God for Crusty. I don’t exactly know what brought Crusty to call me though I suspect it had something partly to do with going through Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall. Thank God that Crusty came across that when it could help her make true amends with others, because I’ve seen reconstructed bridges between her and others with whom I know she had serious difficulties. I also know that it wasn’t because the other person changed but because Crusty changed, or more precisely, the Holy Spirit changed Crusty.

That’s such a mystery, that she would tell me about what was going on with her and others even though this mysterious underlying thing was with us also. I don’t exactly know what part Kendall’s book had in our amends; maybe I should reread that.
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I suppose, perhaps, that it’s not the time for amends between me and others. I don’t know. Like I said, I’m at the end of what I know to do and try. I fear that if I just keep going along with things, that nothing will change and I’ll get sucked in to pretending that everything’s okay, that I’m okay. I’m at a time when I don’t want to be fake. I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want to masquerade. But I also see that if I am too real and honest with others, they’re not prepared to handle it either. So… I am at my end.

I feel like people expected that I would have all the answers for what I was supposed to do, that I’d have the details to the plan. That’s not how it comes.

If it seems like I’m all over the place on this, it’s because I am. I’m talking about several situations all together within which I am not at peace.

I saw Friend again recently and things were relatively at ease between us while there is something unresolved. I’m never sure how things are going to go. I’ve always been more at peace with Friend, even when we’ve argued. It’s a strange thing. I’ve always expected Friend to come back because in the past we’ve both come back.

The only part left that I’m not at peace with Friend is that I’m a little fearful of the next manifestation of our friendship. People changing and the changes in relationship that comes with that are always a bit scary. This one is scary because I know it will definitely not be the way it was before because our last argument was… different; it was like the other arguments yet different at the same time. Confused? Yeah, me too. I’m also afraid of why it won’t be the same. It’s like this might be a calm-before-the-storm type of deal. It’s sort of… it’s been long enough where we should be able to get past the past yet not long enough to have “forgotten” the past, you know what I mean? Maybe we were pretending to be at ease with each other because of the environment we were in.

Anyways, I’m just struggling through all this just like anyone else would be. I just, I am like the popular person, whom people think they’ve got it all and friends too yet who are in reality isolated and alone with no genuine friend. Look at it this way; I’m here, trying to confide stuff online instead of to an actual person where I could get actual feedback and help. I’m more honest with Apple and Keala, but I still hold back ‘cause I don’t wanna bum them out. I hold back when I post something online, even though it seems like I don't. How honest can I be here? I don't even use real names and sometimes use generic ones.

Maybe tomorrow my thought patterns will be better.

Again, I didn’t think I’d type this much. I just wanted to ask that question: Have I genuinely forgiven if I’m still hurting? And I'm wondering if I need to talk to someone whom I might have hurt even though I don't know what I might have done. Are there people out there needing to heal where I could greatly help them by showing that I care enough to make amends?