Maybe it’s not so much the hurt but the fact that I no longer feel as safe as I used to with a group. Especially certain individuals I used to feel safest with, that’s been dialed back because of junk.
Well, yesterday I was listening to the Grounded podcast. For part of it, they were talking about guys and things like relationship and accountability [check it out with the links at the end]. Some of it was like they were talking to me also, though I’m not a guy but I do have some guy-like tendencies.
For the most part, I don’t need to talk; doing things with others can be enough. I like doing things with others in order to have some kind of connection and I like getting others into what I’m doing. They mentioned that guys used to get together and work on the car in the garage more than they do these days and that image is something that appeals to me. I’m not very good at video games mostly because I never had a system, but Brawl is so inviting and encouraging having me join in playing brawl that I enjoy it and I feel like I’m spending good time with Brawl. Polar, Pit, and Tenor are good at including me in what they’re doing; so even if I’m not fully participating in what they’re doing or even though we’re not talking about anything real, I enjoy being around them. I could get into what they’re doing but then I’m not… nevermind.
That’s something that’s improving between me and Tank. He taught me to play 42 and we played with Alpha and Red, and then another time with Squeaks and Shades. Another time I just watched them but for once I didn’t feel like an intruder or annoyance in sitting next to them. It’s quite a fun game and something I can pick up and get into quickly.
Anyways, Grounded talked about deeper relationships and friends and accountability. The lack of depth and accountability contribute to how disconnected I am and how I don’t feel safe with some people. I miss it but I don’t want to tell people what I really want because… I am not safe.
What could help me feel safe?
Two other happenings seem to be pointing the same way of me going my own way. I don’t really want to. I want to be able to put roots down somewhere and I’m tired of constantly moving on but at this point, I don’t know where to go or what to do.
Depth… I wonder if this is not with everyone, that I am one who will meet people where they are but at some point of a continuing relationship, I’m gonna ask for more. I mean, I look for mutual benefit as well, so usually if I’m asking for more it’s because I’m willing to or are already giving more. Without that, if the relationship doesn’t progress, for whatever reason, then one’s gonna be relegated to Acquaintance status.
It’s been generally my lot to buck against stagnation. I’m looking for new projects, innovations, conflict even, areas needing improvement. Every so often, I change things around in my room. Some things, I enjoy familiarity and routine, and then I’ll bust into something else. I get irritated with myself when I stagnate; it frustrates me.
So in a relationship, at some point I’m gonna seek out the next level. If we can’t get there, that’s okay; just understand that one’s not gonna have more access to me. And I work hard to get to another level so I resent reverting back down a level or two after having reached a higher level.
Where was I going with this?
On the Grounded podcast, Yoder said that “if I can’t share something that’s deep out of my heart with a friend, this guy’s not gonna be a friend for very long, not because I might not want him to, but because there’s nothing that binds it together.” That’s how I operate as well. I’m in it for the long haul, as much as the other person allows as well, because I’m looking for people who will go “through the fire” with me and I for them.
The podcast also talked about the cost of friendship. It’s related to what I’ve said before about investments in relationships, at least I think I’ve written about it before. Being able to speak into someone’s life and having them speak into mine, either through words and/or actions.
Anyways, main points: Maybe I have forgiven, I do not believe that I’m safe and go listen for yourself to the Grounded podcast with Ryan, Toben and Wes Yoder on men and relationships. There’s some good stuff there, better than I could ever explain. They even talk about forgiveness.
[Grounded on Facebook]