Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Manifestation of Happy Gilmore

Adam Sandler made a movie about hockey-player-turned-golfer character named Happy Gilmore [1996]. I finally watched it for the first time, I think it was, last year. There’s a moment after Happy putts and the ball misses the hole and he yells at his ball, “Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME?”

I think that’s my favorite moment of that movie. It's also a moment that friends have quoted and paraphrased many times, which is how I knew it before I saw the movie.

So about a year ago, I went miniature golfing with Polar, Joker, Tank, Extra Large and XL’s girlfriend Cheerleader [CL].

After a few holes, XL laughed ‘cuz he thought it was funny or cool or whatever that I was talking to my golf ball. I wasn’t that aware that I was doing that until XL pointed it out. For the first round, the talking worked, or so I say, because I had a couple hole-in-ones and other good shots. I wasn’t really trying either. I was concentrating more on just having fun.

I wasn’t yelling at the ball like Happy, but I was encouraging it, saying things like “yes, go go go!”

The second course, I didn’t do so well. I didn’t even feel like talking to the ball much either. I mostly went first or last ‘cuz it was more comfortable.
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A couple months ago, I was telling Friend that I realized why I had talked to the ball. I didn’t know it at the time but months after it and other things happened it came to me.

I had talked to my ball because I had no one else to talk to.

That had been at the beginning of a long period of a growing… estrangement? I’m not sure if that’s the right word… or the only word.

The group at mini golf, one could look at that group and know that someone didn’t quite fit with the rest. XL and CL were going through something but they’d be paying attention to each other. Tank had been away a long time so the guys wanted to spend time with him. The five of them had known each other for many years; though that shouldn’t give to one feeling unnecessary, it often happens with that group and I’m not referring only to myself.

I didn’t have much of a bond with any of them. I wasn’t dating any of them. I hadn’t known any of them for years and years. I was a single female. I was from a different generation. I was not like any of them in many ways and had no strong relation with any of them.

I was on my own.

I felt like a sixth wheel. If I had driven myself, I would have left after the mini golf. I tried here and there to engage with the others, but largely it seemed pointless for me to be there. It's not that I require massive amounts of attention either. I'll be as good a sport as I can be and I'll entertain myself if I have to, but I felt so neglected that I wouldn't want to go mini golfing with that group again any time soon. I went first many times because it just didn't seem like anyone cared to watch me play. It just didn't seem like it mattered whether or not I was there and so in those cases, I'd rather not be there.

After the putting was done, then I had some substantial attention from Polar. We all went to ColdStone, and I got more attention from Polar; that’s probably part of why I hadn’t realized right away that something had been wrong. Polar’s generally good about making me feel worthwhile; I think it was just that Tank’s like his brother, they’re good friends, so I’ll take a little backseat to Tank. It was like I was backseat to Tank for the group in general, not just Polar.

Just don’t leave me in the backseat too long or one might find me gone.
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I know that story is pretty old. I’m thinking of doing a clean house of my spirit in January.

I know I’ve already tried writing stuff and getting it out and people would say I should just be over it already. Well, something[s] happened that I feel a little freer to speak a little more openly about what I want to mention. Some stuff, I think I have a better handle on what happened and how I processed it and so hopefully I can better express what I need to express; we shall see.

And I would annoy myself if I ever told someone to just get over something. Hurt hurts for reasons and one might never get there if one is told to just “get over” it. “Getting over” something takes any amount of time. It could be a second, it could be fifty years. Telling someone “get over it” or “suck it up” or anything like that most often does not help a thing; it can be downright insensitive.

So in January, bear with me a little more. I’ll write about other things as well, but just know that I’m also going to be getting junk things off of my spirit as much as I might need to. I think it will be good for me to do so. I’ll be as honest as I can afford to be, which should be more than I have been the last year or so. This story is a part of that Spirit House Cleaning.

I hope you’re enjoying your winter break and holiday festivities as much as possible and have a Merry Christmas!