Saturday, November 27, 2010

This Part of the Cycle

Sigh. This part is always tough.

I’m coming off of a few weeks of goodness, dramaless [for me] experiences. We had Harvest, Leelee and I went to the second Women’s Arise Service, then Leelee’s birthday dinner, my birthday observance day, things leading up to and then through Operation Christmas Child Drop Off Week, at the same time as DO Week I was able to make strides with the K guys.

I suppose that I am a bit afraid of good things because if it’s for the Lord, I know that I’m gonna be in a battle. The devil doesn’t know everything as God does, but the devil is no idiot; he knows enough to hit me where it hurts. However, God is wiser and stronger, and I think God allowed me to stand stronger through this recent time. I was in battle, but God fought this one; I suppose what I can say is that I sense that God got more glory in the end this time by fighting, rather than through a disciplining lesson for me. I think it’s true in this instance.

So now is the down time, coming down from a good few weeks. I am quite sad yet staying focused. My relationship with God is going good. He allowed me to spend some time in his word during all of this.

Leelee’s dinner was a little… I wasn’t sure how it would go with me being there, because one of our classmates, one of Leelee’s good friends, was there and…. Okay, I thought we were okay, Leelee, MC and I had dinner once a few years ago when I came back to HI. Sometime last year, he defriended me on FB. I don’t know why and it doesn’t bother me enough to ask him why. And their other good friend, LK, I remember her not liking me in high school, though I don’t know why and it was never brought to light; it’s not like we ever came to blows.

And then hearing them talk about other classmates and recent near run-ins, makes me sad. Well, when I hear people gossip, it makes me wonder what they say about me when I’m not around. Also it’s that it’s been over a decade, and to hear their bitterness over all that… is just sad and I don’t know enough to try to help heal that because I’m healed from h.s.; I don’t know if it’s my place. I guess it’s easy for me because while I wasn’t “popular” as KC said I was, I kinda skated through unscathed by h.s. clique stuff. People basically left me alone because I left them alone and because they couldn’t get a rise out of me; I just didn’t care to play their games.

So then the foot-in-mouth sort of thing happened where I was like, “DY wasn’t so bad. I mean, out of that group, she was okay……..right…..?” [Crickets chirping]. Later on in dinner, when another classmate joined their conversation, no, apparently that whole group was rotten, including DY.

You know, I say I don’t like people, but actually, I like most people. I try to see the best in them and remember that. And in the past few years, the “even if they’ve wronged me” addition to that statement has been getting stronger. I just love people through a better understanding of God’s love for me. It’s weird and scary but also exciting and challenging, and I’m up for a challenge!

But overall, Leelee’s dinner went well. I don’t think I improved my appearance to the other classmates much, but after awhile, some toughening/ emboldening of my spirit, I made attempts to talk with all of them. I wanted to be a good guest most especially for Leelee, it’s what I do. It wasn’t about me.

So now about me… hahaha… I wrote previously about dodgy birthday celebrations so I’m very glad that this year’s birthday observance day went well. People are still talking about the climbing event and I am so glad. For myself, I had wanted to do the climbing before the end of this year, and while I am one to do things on my own, I really wanted others to be in on this with me. I’ve been needing people to be in on things with me for the past year, so this was good, it was more than something to me.

And I’m so glad that everyone had such a good time with it. When I plan this kinda thing, and I invite people, I’m really going through all the planning and stuff for them; this is the tough part of getting discouraged if others seem apathetic or hostile to the idea, but I’m learning I hope. I had this attached to BO Day [haha, “body odor”… nevermind, another time], and most came with that in mind because they knew about the dinner, but I didn’t need that part of it. I needed good friends to come to the dinner, but the climbing stuff, I just needed people to have a good time. I’m not much of an event planner, I mostly wait around for others to invite me to their things because I enjoy “quiet” nights more, but doing something like this for others every so often is not so bad, is it?

Then dinner went well. Everyone that said they’d be there was there and on time. Most of the important local people were there. I think they had a good time at dinner as well. Some had been with me all day- that was crazy! But good fun.

I still think about… up until this year, I’d have invited any- and everyone to dinner. This year I purposely didn’t. I wonder a bit about what others might be saying about that, because it’s not like me to not invite people, but with what I’ve gone through, I’m gonna say that I care more about me than them regarding the dinner for once. I know at least Friend backs me up in this because I asked for Friend’s thoughts. Still a little uneasy but it’s done and I have to just let it go.

The only thing is that having a good birthday now, you know, still doesn’t make me all excited for next year. I still don’t like planning things, and not for myself, so…. Now it’s sort of apprehension, that this year will be THE happy memory, next year probably won’t be so good, kind of thing. Sigh. But that will be next year, if BO day happens, and so I will come to that when it comes.

Drop Off Week went well for the most part. I still feel poorly about the count, like I dropped the ball with it. But something that LC, PC and I had mentioned earlier was that this is our first time and no matter what happens, we’ll have grace with each other and with our workers. And we did. They’re not letting me get too down about the count, which I could easily do because I took that on myself, it’s what I do. For myself, I need to ________.

I’m still very excited about all of that operation. I’m already considering next year and possibly ______ because I think ______! We shall see; a lot can change in a year.

So then at Harvest, I officially intro’d myself to H from the K guys. They’re mostly quiet, soft-spoken guys around others, and so DO Week was good ‘cuz I was on campus all week, got to spend more time with them. One night, I ended up just listening to them talk about what’s going on in their lives, how they’ve changed through the Lord, and just, wow, it was great! The night ended well when one of them… um… let some air out, haha! It got laughs more so because I was the “lady in attendance!” It’s so refreshing ‘cuz they don’t care who I am or that I’m female or where I come from or how new I am; they’ve just embraced me. They’re glad to see me.

A lot of the K/ WL guys came out to help with the DO Week on Sunday. They were there the whole time and made no fuss with anything I asked them to do. They even helped PC with organizing a closet, which is… I don’t like doing it! Then when they were leaving, some of the guys whom have been getting to know me already hi-fived me as they left, so then the others just lined up and hi-fived me as they left too! It was cool ‘cuz some of them I’ve only seen a couple times so far and I don’t even know their names yet.

Then another night, I stayed on campus after to help some of them study for something. Actually, I just watch Alpha help them study! He’s doing such a great job with them already. He seems to think he needs my help and I’m happy to be there for him, but so far he really doesn’t need me, and that’s okay. The only thing is that he ________ and I don’t know how to ______. I see what the Lord’s doing in him right now and I’m joyful with him, he needs this time. I see where Alpha’s heart is, he’s looking for unity also and so when I _____ … it’s just not for me to tell him. I know he wants to know, but I can’t tell him. Pray that Alpha continues to follow God and to revel in the joy of this period for him.

Anyways, another young man was weightlifting in the other room; I don’t know his name yet. When he was done, he came inside to um… like… clasp hands with the studying guys, in respect to parting for the night. I was at the end of the table and he shook my hand too! I’m not invisible!

There was another small but significant blessing that I can’t share here. It’s bittersweet, and I’m mostly moving on, and sigh. I’m tired of secrets, and I suppose I can say that because I don’t have any secrets at the moment, I think. But it’s not my secret to share this time. … yup, this is where I’m leaving it.

My sentence is almost but not yet over, so it’s gonna be tough. I’m gonna try to make this time as well-spent as I can though it’s gonna be hard because I know that I’m ______ which will _______. Okay, I guess this part is kind of a secret of mine. It’s secret mostly because no one’s _______, except for _______ and maybe _______. Let’s just say that it’s not a secret by design. It’s secret for now just for not having anyone to tell.

In other news, I gave up ______ and took up F as C. It was a gamble, and I’m a risk-taker. I… it’s not that I regret it; it’s just difficult when remembering the good stuff, you know? It’s difficult to think about what I gave up. It was more precious to me than you know. And I don't know how you could not know when it was ______. I don’t let go easily. I don’t want to let this go, but I think the other wants to, and I think I probably did enough to… I don’t let go easily. It looks like I do, but I don’t. I suppose the question that's constantly on my mind since we met is, "Are you better off without me?" As much as it would hurt to find the answer is yes, I would understand. I suppose, it seems more times than not in the past, the answer has been yes, or at least no one replied to say no so I took it as a yes, and so that is where the shock would come from if the answer is no. In all my boldness, I'm really afraid of asking the question, especially when if asked the same question, my answer would be no. Try to dissect that paragraph! No, don't. Really, it wouldn't be healthy.

I also took up P. So I’m a little sad because I’m in a state of being unsure about people. I want good friends, who doesn’t? So it’s bittersweet that my duty to P will be over soon and a new one will begin. The duty was for the benefit of both of us. I’m excited, yet I also need to be thinking about the next part.

Then I realized the other night that I will be losing ____. It’s not supposed to happen for many months, but I think I will be losing sooner than that, if not already.

When that happens, …. You know, I’m not worried about B. I’m not worried about T. I’ll still have A, if that doesn’t sour somehow. At the same time, they’re only threads. Where will the braid be? I know I shouldn’t think like this, but given my history, it’s difficult not to. The devil is no fool.

And my God is stronger. Therein lies my hope. No matter how it turned out, God provided for me before and he will provide for me again. It’s another lesson of trusting in him.

[Deep breath]

I can do this.

If you read this whole thing, MAHALO. I can’t imagine why you would.

I feel like walking around wearing a shirt that says something like, “will work for friendship” or “good friend for free.”

Sorry, weird thought, I know. I promise I’m stopping here for now. This is the end.

The end.

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