Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Setup Conspiracy

Uh oh.

I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why people feel the need to pair up single people. Sometimes I wonder if seeing single people saddens them or something. I understand pairing up people to a small extent. I don’t know that I’ll ever be a matchmaker. Like when I entertain those kinds of ideas, it’s not serious; it’s kind of like pairing me up with Dr. Spencer Reid or pairing up opposites to imagine how they would deal with conflicts or… just something ridiculous.

The other day, I ran into someone at church. Basically found out that someone was conspiring to pair me up with a single male one knows in the church.

...

Yup. Uh oh.

So, I don’t know if or what’ll happen with this. I don’t even know if others have designs for me with other guys. That’s crazy.

I don’t know if I would be ready for something, for the possibility of a serious relationship. I’m not talking like the guy would want to get married right away or that that’s what I’m asking for. I’ve said before that I want to be married, but there’s something that… I don’t know if it’s just not the time for that or… what.

I’m surrounded by single guys. And I’m sure people are seeing that and thinking that I’m pursuing a serious relationship. Yet look at it: I did not choose the situation. I did not seek out a bunch of young single guys and go, I think I’m gonna do ministry there with those guys in hopes of a relationship. I’m not thinking that, even if I seem to “click” with a certain guy, because I’m having difficulty making and keeping just friends. A relationship would be a whole different level.

I’m not motivated by that.

I think maybe I am afraid of that.

I think a friend tried to tell me something once. It seems so long ago. I guess… then I was afraid… [I can say this] … [I’m gonna say this] … that in time he would learn more about me, and learn to like me less and less… and then not at all.

My core, Apple, Trace, Joyous, Crusty, they have been the only ones, my true friends, so far [besides family] to accept me as I am at every stage and to see that we sharpen each other, that we are growing and bettering ourselves, that we’re motivating each other in a positive way. They accepted me and brought me in from the outside, and they’ve made me want to be a better person, they’ve made me a better person. Then I changed and they continued to accept me, and to challenge me, and to inspire me. Then I changed again, and they continued to accept me, and over and over…. They accept me even in my worst moments, and remind me that I’m better than it.

They’re very much with me.

I didn’t find them until I was about 20. That’s a long time. It’s been 12 years with them. That’s a commitment. To find something like that in… a serious relationship with a guy… [deep breath] that’s gonna be tough. It’s gonna be a whole different fight. It’s gonna be a whole different pain.

It’s gonna take growth.

I wanna say that I’ve been preparing for it, that I’m ready, I just don’t know. And I won’t know unless something comes along.

And I’m afraid because I once had hope in this matter.

Pray that I remember what I’ve been reminding others, God is in control and he provides what is best and good.

Grrrr! This is tough! The waiting and the not-knowing and the hope. I’m gonna be okay no matter what. I can be enough for someone.

Until then, I hafta keep on track! Do ministry and for the right motivation!

[Laughing] God, you’re funny! Thank you for laughter and humor, even when I wish the joke wasn’t always on me.

The end.


*Note: The core is together because they are friends with each other as well. I also have Willpower, Chulo, and Handsome as a sub-core, the male reps. Willpower and I have been friends since high school. I met Chulo when I was 19. Handsome has been a friend for a decade. Then I have to mention Darling, whom has been my advocate and sister since I was 17. I met Leelee in the fourth grade; we’ve been friends, but lost a few years apart, and only recently have been hanging out a little more. I feel like I’m missing someone or people. I just miss my friends. I could use their physical presence right now.