Monday, November 8, 2010

Good Expectations

I feel like people are expecting so much from me. It has its good and its bad though.

Sunday night, I got a phone call from someone saying that they saw what I did, they want to encourage me, and that what I did was appreciated.

[Long pause, because what you can’t see is that I’m actually writing this right after the call. And as soon as I typed that previous sentence, I broke down crying. I am crying for awhile, because I had to give thanks where it is due. Positive encouragement, voiced concern and appreciation, someone not only saying that I can do something but backing it up in an unmistakable and positive way.

Long pause, because it is assurance that God is taking care of me, that he sees and hears me, that he knows what I need. I’ve needed someone to just say those things and I can say in turn that it was only by God’s grace that I was able to accomplish the thing at all.

Long pause. To understand more fully the impact of that less-than-a-minute, quick words, I might write more on that later, I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed and I wouldn’t want to ruin or lessen this good thing.

Long pause.]

I am still overwhelmed. So I’ll just say this because I want to remember it, put it in the memory bank for the next time I might need it.

I wrote before about trying to figure out loving someone and influencing positive change. I was getting agitated because [probably without realizing it] people have been telling me that one can’t change and that they love that one, while saying [not directly but in essence] that I do something, and what they wanted me to do, it would in essence change me. Also, when they’re telling me that the one can’t change, what I hear is that neither can I change, and that offends me because I know that I am not what I ought to be. So in the same words, I’m getting conflicting statements in my mind. People can’t change, yet I should change, but people can’t change.

So, something Friend told me today is that maybe, probably, what others were really trying to say is that they have more faith in me changing than they do about the other one. Actually, I think this is probably the second time I’ve heard this other perspective, possibly.

[I suppose I would rather have more faith in people no matter who they are. It just sounds... sad to have less faith in someone they had known for many years. I would be upset if I were the other one.]

And the thing is that that isn’t what I hear from the other people who say that the one can’t change. I don’t hear those particular people saying that they have any faith in me, even if that is what they mean to convey. I don’t hear that second part of them knowing that I can do better. And I don’t hear the part that they will love me either way also.

In speaking of “love languages,” I think that the strong ones I respond best to is quality time with a helping of physical touch, like those kind of work together for me. I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person in general and I am awkward about hugs and stuff, but when I get a good hug, it’s honey to me. When someone will sit next to me, at least as close as like occasionally bumping elbows, honey. Willing to take a picture with me, honey.

And when someone seeks out time with me, honey. A knowing glance, an inside joke, honey. Sharing something that either one of us truly enjoys, honey.

[Note: I do try to keep watch for how I might positively influence someone and how I might convey my love for them in a way that they receive best, to speak their language. I think I’m pretty good at it, I don’t really know for sure. I am more open to trying to tap into someone else’s life than to try to coax someone to tap into mine. I think possibly, I do need some reciprocation though, not completely equal reciprocation, but some. Like I’ve told someone recently, I don’t really need someone to meet me halfway, I just need them to turn in my direction, maybe take one step; I’ll go the rest of the way. Partly though, I admit that it’s what I want to do, go the rest of the way, but understand that I am coming from a hurt position at the same time, and that makes the going an uphill for me.]

However, I think that I’ve been so starved of words of affirmation that it’s major honey at the moment. It’s why I was overwhelmed and cried a good cry. It didn’t come from where I would like it to, but it came and I’ll take it. It was more than a passing “good job,” more than an “if you need help, I’ll support you.”

[Note: I had gotten affirming words all along, but I was in a tough spot and so it was difficult at times that I weed out the “thank God at least someone’s doing something” from the “I believe in you, God is at work” type of thing. Or maybe what I was undertaking was so huge that I was under major spiritual attack. Or it was a little of all things discouraging. I don’t know.]

It was that and an “I’m looking forward to more from you.” It was a “can’t wait to see what else God has for you.” It was an “I’m here to catch you if you stumble, here to walk with you however you go.” To me, that’s different from an “if you” then “I’ll support.” It was “I know you gonna need help and I’m here, so go to it! Attack it ‘cuz I know you can!”

Not in so many words, but that was the essence.

[Long pause, more good crying.]

It’s all I’ve wanted to hear or to see enacted from someone who “knows” me, from someone who sees how I struggle yet how I also push through it and conquer.

That one minute, and with the good moving encouragement from Alpha, I could live on that for months. That was a good part of expectations.

[Long pause.]

So, God knows what you need also. Continue seeking his will in order to do his will and God will provide.

[Knowing me, I probably have more I could say on any part of this.]

Mahalo for reading.