Monday, November 29, 2010

Speaking of Secrecy…

No! More secrets! Ahhhhh!

Oh, but finally, a GOOD secret!

But uh oh. What if someone asks me a question?! I should come up with some… what do they call it, cover stories?

I so want to tell people! But again, not my secret.

And this mission is worthy of such secrecy. I shall not be the weak link!



[Stealth mode: activated]

There’s No Crying In Stargate!

Who knew that an episode of Stargate Sg-1 could make me cry? Well I didn’t cry, but I really wanted to. I teared up on the inside.

I’m not a weepy chick flick kind of crier. In fact, I have been called coldhearted on a few occasions partly for lack of affect in various types of situations. I'm sure it was somewhat of a disappointment/ surprise/ oddity to Wrestler that I didn't cry when he broke up with me. To his credit, he faced it in person with me. I answered his questions and then left.

I should start remembering stuff that makes me sound better. I sound horrible now.

What can touch my heart most are things of redemption, second chances, and hitting rock bottom. A scene that makes me cry almost every time is from “Coach Carter,” when Cruz goes to Coaches’ house one night after watching his cousin die in his arms.

So the Stargate scene comes from Season 10, Episode 8: Memento Mori. Daniel takes Vala to dinner as a thank you for coming through on his having taken a chance on her. Oh, and then at the end when she's given her SG-1 badge!

Is that silly?

I suppose to understand what that has to do with redemption, you have to know the series. Instead of explaining the show, I'm gonna recommend you watch it. I thoroughly enjoy it.

Okay, confession, one “girly” scene that almost made me cry is from “Friends” Season 6, Episode 25: “The One with the Proposal.” It was such a good surprise the first time I watched it. I’d like for someone to throw me a good surprise someday, I think. I mean, I’ve never been surprised before but I like the idea and the sentiment behind it.

The end.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Scoreboard

Gonna make my prediction before the game is up: I'm right.

It would be a miracle if I'm wrong this time.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Still Up

I couldn’t sleep. Did I try? Yes, this time I did.

So… what shall I write about?

How about what I’ve already written?

So much is constantly on my mind. Getting it out, not so easy. Not so plainly either.

Ah, so if you’ve been reading, now you know that I write something like poetry. I suppose it is literally poetry. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like it’s just a bunch of words put together.

That last one I posted, I was thinking… I usually don’t care much for poetry that rhymes. I suppose it’s because oftentimes, the rhymes feel forced. At least, I read something I wrote and I remember how it was forced. The last one I posted rhymed, mostly. It didn’t feel forced though while writing it. I really didn’t want this one to rhyme. It is what it is now.

Then to add an image assist, that is tough to do. I wish someday to write a poem and to create the artwork for it. At the moment, I don’t have the time, or I guess I could be drawing something right now instead of typing these thoughts, but I think I should be sleeping, and so drawing would be too much.

The image assist for the last one is a scene from the 2002 version of “The Four Feathers.” If you care to, or are bored, either one will suit, that might help you guess at why I added that image. I know sometimes it seems like I didn’t think at all but truth is that in almost everything I do, I have put a lot of thought, a lot of my heart, into it, which is why it can be devastating if not received well. I usually don’t care, but I do have my vulnerabilities.

Did you know that Crusty once asked me to write songs with her and Joyous?

I’m trying to remember how that came about, how Crusty knew that I wrote poems. I don’t remember, because I rarely share them with others. I’m a little Dickinson-y with them. I guess I’m easing up because what does it matter now? Or maybe I’m too tired at the moment. Or maybe a little of both.

Oh, so Crusty and Joyous have amazing singing voices. I miss hearing them sing. Joyous wanted me to sing with them but man, that would be something. Eye found out that one way to get me to sing is to wait until I’m that tired that I don’t care who’s listening. He wanted me to sing with him but he had a great voice too. So not fair. I was so tired that I didn’t even know I was singing. All of a sudden, the music turned off [so he could hear me sing].

Anyways, Crusty asked if I would write songs with them because she knew that I wrote poems. I didn’t think my poems were any good, but I said okay. Shortly after, Crusty and Joyous had a falling out, so we never wrote any songs, or they didn’t with me anyway.

I kinda would like to write a song. I would need a really good musician though, because I’m not musically inclined in that way. Or I’m too tired to write the music also. I don’t know.

Are you glad that I’m writing instead of sleeping yet?


Hmmm, maybe you need some sleep.

Better yet, next time you’re really tired, read my poems again and see if that helps.

And now I have Fist singing all the time. She has a good voice too. And for some reason, though I don’t know her to lie, she think that I sing well too. Huh. Wild.

Then Joker hadn’t played or sang for about a year. Recently, he did so with Squeaks them. It was good to see and hear.

Kinda reminded me of how we used to be. At almost any given time, one of us would have a guitar. We’d be at the beach or the park or wherever, and someone would start singing praise songs and then someone else would bust out their guitar. Even though we each struggled with something, we sang mostly praise songs. We were at Crusty’s friend’s house late one night and we started singing! Ah, good times.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I’m open to listening to Christmas music.

Oh Holy Night! Woohoo!

Even though I have three versions of it on my iPod and listen to it all year long. It’s just that good.

Okay, so now that I’ve posted a ridiculously long post, and then a poem ‘cause I couldn’t sleep, and then wrote this other ridiculous post, maybe I’ll try reading. Or I don’t know.

I think something’s bothering me.

The end.

For the Sight of Grace

I did not know that I was blind
Thought I saw enough through my mind
Yet others saw it and reported
But I ignored what was recorded
Because to see this thing so clearly
Was to make what I loved dearly
Be open to attack so savagely
That I feared it would damage me
Beyond repair, how could I ask
That you carry me through this task?
Oh, how clever I thought I was
To put what could have been on pause
Truth is, I’m not a good liar
Except to myself, if required
And so I gambled and I lost
And I lied about what it cost
My eyes have opened, you would find
I did not know that I was blind

This Part of the Cycle

Sigh. This part is always tough.

I’m coming off of a few weeks of goodness, dramaless [for me] experiences. We had Harvest, Leelee and I went to the second Women’s Arise Service, then Leelee’s birthday dinner, my birthday observance day, things leading up to and then through Operation Christmas Child Drop Off Week, at the same time as DO Week I was able to make strides with the K guys.

I suppose that I am a bit afraid of good things because if it’s for the Lord, I know that I’m gonna be in a battle. The devil doesn’t know everything as God does, but the devil is no idiot; he knows enough to hit me where it hurts. However, God is wiser and stronger, and I think God allowed me to stand stronger through this recent time. I was in battle, but God fought this one; I suppose what I can say is that I sense that God got more glory in the end this time by fighting, rather than through a disciplining lesson for me. I think it’s true in this instance.

So now is the down time, coming down from a good few weeks. I am quite sad yet staying focused. My relationship with God is going good. He allowed me to spend some time in his word during all of this.

Leelee’s dinner was a little… I wasn’t sure how it would go with me being there, because one of our classmates, one of Leelee’s good friends, was there and…. Okay, I thought we were okay, Leelee, MC and I had dinner once a few years ago when I came back to HI. Sometime last year, he defriended me on FB. I don’t know why and it doesn’t bother me enough to ask him why. And their other good friend, LK, I remember her not liking me in high school, though I don’t know why and it was never brought to light; it’s not like we ever came to blows.

And then hearing them talk about other classmates and recent near run-ins, makes me sad. Well, when I hear people gossip, it makes me wonder what they say about me when I’m not around. Also it’s that it’s been over a decade, and to hear their bitterness over all that… is just sad and I don’t know enough to try to help heal that because I’m healed from h.s.; I don’t know if it’s my place. I guess it’s easy for me because while I wasn’t “popular” as KC said I was, I kinda skated through unscathed by h.s. clique stuff. People basically left me alone because I left them alone and because they couldn’t get a rise out of me; I just didn’t care to play their games.

So then the foot-in-mouth sort of thing happened where I was like, “DY wasn’t so bad. I mean, out of that group, she was okay……..right…..?” [Crickets chirping]. Later on in dinner, when another classmate joined their conversation, no, apparently that whole group was rotten, including DY.

You know, I say I don’t like people, but actually, I like most people. I try to see the best in them and remember that. And in the past few years, the “even if they’ve wronged me” addition to that statement has been getting stronger. I just love people through a better understanding of God’s love for me. It’s weird and scary but also exciting and challenging, and I’m up for a challenge!

But overall, Leelee’s dinner went well. I don’t think I improved my appearance to the other classmates much, but after awhile, some toughening/ emboldening of my spirit, I made attempts to talk with all of them. I wanted to be a good guest most especially for Leelee, it’s what I do. It wasn’t about me.

So now about me… hahaha… I wrote previously about dodgy birthday celebrations so I’m very glad that this year’s birthday observance day went well. People are still talking about the climbing event and I am so glad. For myself, I had wanted to do the climbing before the end of this year, and while I am one to do things on my own, I really wanted others to be in on this with me. I’ve been needing people to be in on things with me for the past year, so this was good, it was more than something to me.

And I’m so glad that everyone had such a good time with it. When I plan this kinda thing, and I invite people, I’m really going through all the planning and stuff for them; this is the tough part of getting discouraged if others seem apathetic or hostile to the idea, but I’m learning I hope. I had this attached to BO Day [haha, “body odor”… nevermind, another time], and most came with that in mind because they knew about the dinner, but I didn’t need that part of it. I needed good friends to come to the dinner, but the climbing stuff, I just needed people to have a good time. I’m not much of an event planner, I mostly wait around for others to invite me to their things because I enjoy “quiet” nights more, but doing something like this for others every so often is not so bad, is it?

Then dinner went well. Everyone that said they’d be there was there and on time. Most of the important local people were there. I think they had a good time at dinner as well. Some had been with me all day- that was crazy! But good fun.

I still think about… up until this year, I’d have invited any- and everyone to dinner. This year I purposely didn’t. I wonder a bit about what others might be saying about that, because it’s not like me to not invite people, but with what I’ve gone through, I’m gonna say that I care more about me than them regarding the dinner for once. I know at least Friend backs me up in this because I asked for Friend’s thoughts. Still a little uneasy but it’s done and I have to just let it go.

The only thing is that having a good birthday now, you know, still doesn’t make me all excited for next year. I still don’t like planning things, and not for myself, so…. Now it’s sort of apprehension, that this year will be THE happy memory, next year probably won’t be so good, kind of thing. Sigh. But that will be next year, if BO day happens, and so I will come to that when it comes.

Drop Off Week went well for the most part. I still feel poorly about the count, like I dropped the ball with it. But something that LC, PC and I had mentioned earlier was that this is our first time and no matter what happens, we’ll have grace with each other and with our workers. And we did. They’re not letting me get too down about the count, which I could easily do because I took that on myself, it’s what I do. For myself, I need to ________.

I’m still very excited about all of that operation. I’m already considering next year and possibly ______ because I think ______! We shall see; a lot can change in a year.

So then at Harvest, I officially intro’d myself to H from the K guys. They’re mostly quiet, soft-spoken guys around others, and so DO Week was good ‘cuz I was on campus all week, got to spend more time with them. One night, I ended up just listening to them talk about what’s going on in their lives, how they’ve changed through the Lord, and just, wow, it was great! The night ended well when one of them… um… let some air out, haha! It got laughs more so because I was the “lady in attendance!” It’s so refreshing ‘cuz they don’t care who I am or that I’m female or where I come from or how new I am; they’ve just embraced me. They’re glad to see me.

A lot of the K/ WL guys came out to help with the DO Week on Sunday. They were there the whole time and made no fuss with anything I asked them to do. They even helped PC with organizing a closet, which is… I don’t like doing it! Then when they were leaving, some of the guys whom have been getting to know me already hi-fived me as they left, so then the others just lined up and hi-fived me as they left too! It was cool ‘cuz some of them I’ve only seen a couple times so far and I don’t even know their names yet.

Then another night, I stayed on campus after to help some of them study for something. Actually, I just watch Alpha help them study! He’s doing such a great job with them already. He seems to think he needs my help and I’m happy to be there for him, but so far he really doesn’t need me, and that’s okay. The only thing is that he ________ and I don’t know how to ______. I see what the Lord’s doing in him right now and I’m joyful with him, he needs this time. I see where Alpha’s heart is, he’s looking for unity also and so when I _____ … it’s just not for me to tell him. I know he wants to know, but I can’t tell him. Pray that Alpha continues to follow God and to revel in the joy of this period for him.

Anyways, another young man was weightlifting in the other room; I don’t know his name yet. When he was done, he came inside to um… like… clasp hands with the studying guys, in respect to parting for the night. I was at the end of the table and he shook my hand too! I’m not invisible!

There was another small but significant blessing that I can’t share here. It’s bittersweet, and I’m mostly moving on, and sigh. I’m tired of secrets, and I suppose I can say that because I don’t have any secrets at the moment, I think. But it’s not my secret to share this time. … yup, this is where I’m leaving it.

My sentence is almost but not yet over, so it’s gonna be tough. I’m gonna try to make this time as well-spent as I can though it’s gonna be hard because I know that I’m ______ which will _______. Okay, I guess this part is kind of a secret of mine. It’s secret mostly because no one’s _______, except for _______ and maybe _______. Let’s just say that it’s not a secret by design. It’s secret for now just for not having anyone to tell.

In other news, I gave up ______ and took up F as C. It was a gamble, and I’m a risk-taker. I… it’s not that I regret it; it’s just difficult when remembering the good stuff, you know? It’s difficult to think about what I gave up. It was more precious to me than you know. And I don't know how you could not know when it was ______. I don’t let go easily. I don’t want to let this go, but I think the other wants to, and I think I probably did enough to… I don’t let go easily. It looks like I do, but I don’t. I suppose the question that's constantly on my mind since we met is, "Are you better off without me?" As much as it would hurt to find the answer is yes, I would understand. I suppose, it seems more times than not in the past, the answer has been yes, or at least no one replied to say no so I took it as a yes, and so that is where the shock would come from if the answer is no. In all my boldness, I'm really afraid of asking the question, especially when if asked the same question, my answer would be no. Try to dissect that paragraph! No, don't. Really, it wouldn't be healthy.

I also took up P. So I’m a little sad because I’m in a state of being unsure about people. I want good friends, who doesn’t? So it’s bittersweet that my duty to P will be over soon and a new one will begin. The duty was for the benefit of both of us. I’m excited, yet I also need to be thinking about the next part.

Then I realized the other night that I will be losing ____. It’s not supposed to happen for many months, but I think I will be losing sooner than that, if not already.

When that happens, …. You know, I’m not worried about B. I’m not worried about T. I’ll still have A, if that doesn’t sour somehow. At the same time, they’re only threads. Where will the braid be? I know I shouldn’t think like this, but given my history, it’s difficult not to. The devil is no fool.

And my God is stronger. Therein lies my hope. No matter how it turned out, God provided for me before and he will provide for me again. It’s another lesson of trusting in him.

[Deep breath]

I can do this.

If you read this whole thing, MAHALO. I can’t imagine why you would.

I feel like walking around wearing a shirt that says something like, “will work for friendship” or “good friend for free.”

Sorry, weird thought, I know. I promise I’m stopping here for now. This is the end.

The end.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

It’s Your Move

I’m not sure why, but I sense that I’m in a chess match. I feel like I’m waiting for the other to make their next move. I want to make my next move because I’m just in this state of wanting to move forward, get going on things, start making great strides. But I feel held back for some reason.

I have a little over one more month to finish out something. I feel good about it.

I won’t be held back any longer. I don’t care what the other thinks. I don’t care what the other says. I don’t care what the other feels. Either you’re with me or you’re not, and I’m no longer taking your word for it. There’s been a lot of talk and no results, no evidence. I’ve done my best to show myself in words and deeds. If the other doesn’t get it by now, then what else am I to do?

I won't be the nail that's pounded down.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

To Fan A Flame

You were the wind
A violently strong embrace one day
A kiss on the cheek the next
And still for months

You were the wind
You let me believe I could
Hold you as you held me
Or catch you in a jar for the keeping

You were the wind
That held my face to yours
And said that it was okay
With words and another stormy caress
You stirred up sweet scents around us
I could see nothing else,
Could hear no one else but you
And you were the wind

You were the wind
And I am a fire about to go out
Lest we dance another round
Yet I hardly dare to dream

You were the wind
And I am a fire left to wonder
If a fire and a wind ever could, and
You are the wind

[Image source]

Monday, November 22, 2010

A Successful Operation!

Ah, so ends Drop Off Week for Operation Christmas Child by Samaritan’s Purse.

Wow, it seemed like we had so much time to prepare and wait but now it seems like it went by so fast! This was our first time being a drop off center, so we had no idea what to expect. The first two days looked like we were in great stride with at least a hundred shoeboxes collected each day. Then… the number dropped off dramatically; days three, four and five picked up just under 50 boxes.

As expected though, Sunday was our big day. After churches let out, people and groups were dropping off loads of boxes! We also had quite a bit of helpers, so we put them to work with filling up shoeboxes with donations from our church. Actually, that screwed up the count for us, and I feel poorly about it. I didn’t watch and check out how they were keeping the count with those boxes, while the whole week I had come every day because I foresaw the count getting off. At least we had an accurate count for all the other individuals and groups who dropped off boxes. Anyways, everything turned out okay.

I thought today, the last day, would be slow. I figured, it’s a weekday, people are busy with work and family and getting ready for Thanksgiving and all that, it’s the first day of the week, but I think it was our second biggest day.

So we made it through the week fine with only the hiccup about our church’s count. We had a goal of collecting 1000 boxes and… WE EXCEEDED IT! Just what I was hoping for! AND our church made up about 25% of the total, which was also good!

God, you’re awesome! And thank you for allowing me to be a part of this!

I have two things to definitely share [I might have forgotten something else].

First, was Saturday lunch. Driving in that day, I was thinking, our hours are from 10 am to 2 pm, over lunch time. How are we gonna get our workers lunch? I guess we’ll send someone out. No big deal. I wasn’t worried, I just thought it would’ve been nice if we had planned for it.

Then a little after I arrived and we opened, a volunteer came… with sandwiches and chips for us! And to log in some volunteer hours as well, but when I saw her and the food, it was like God saying “Don’t worry about it; don’t you know I got it covered?” The food was enough for us and for the group that met later that night.

Cheeky Charlie's excited about moving to another country!

The second thing to share was what Alpha’s mom shared. She said that Alpha got excited about the shoeboxes. He went to Ross’ and found out that they had pretty good prices for stuff, so he picked up stuff to put into a shoebox. Some of the stuff was things for a cold weather place, but he had the feeling that his box would go to a kid in a cold country, that those were the things he’s supposed to give.

Then we found out that the boxes from Hawai‘i are going to kids in Mongolia! How’s that for God moving Alpha and Alpha being obedient?

Oh! And a third thing: the most entertaining and great thing that happened was seeing a small car round the corner… and stall… then pull up to us. It was a small, white two-door car STUFFED, literally, with boxes! They stalled at the corner because they couldn’t see where to go! Two young ladies were in the car with boxes on their laps, piled high behind them, some on their heads maybe…! We opened the trunk to help them unload, and it was packed to the fullest with boxes! There was no space left for even an ant! It was truly awesome!

And last one, promise, for now: my mom's a perfectionist and so planned to make only 2 boxes, one boy box and one girl box. This kind of thing takes a lot out of her, but bless my mom, she's got a good heart. LC brought 5 boxes earlier in the week, so I told Mom that she gotta make more than LC! Sneaky buggah, yeah? I was half-kidding, because it was to motivate Mom for more boxes, though she's not competitive.

Well, Dad had to go sleep early this week while Mom does her stuff at night, so I ended up having to share my room with Mom so she could stay up and make the boxes; remember, I said she's a perfectionist. She wrapped them perfectly, packed them perfectly, and sent them perfectly with me to drop off. In the end, Mom made 5 boxes! :) So she said, "well, we tied LC." Good job, Mom!

Ahhh, so I’m exhausted! But it’s a good exhausted. I’m still pretty jazzed about this whole operation! Can’t wait for next year!

From kids to kids, so adorable!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Membership Drive

So, the same day that Pastor Cousin gave me a pitch about becoming a member of our church, I got an invitation to a lunch to learn about another church.

I’ve thought and wondered about becoming a member of a church, but not in a way like the Holy Spirit was nudging me towards it. I haven’t come up with decisive reasons to do it or not to do it. I suppose the thing that holds me back is my personality.

When I commit to something, even if it’s for my own knowledge, I tend to commit to the fullest. Especially lately, things are serious for me as I’m coming into wholeness in my journey with Christ; this is the most on-fire that I’ve ever been and it’s only growing. I think that church membership is something that I ought not to take lightly.

At the same time, I am and have been fully committed to my church already. I am coming upon my third anniversary of committing to and serving this church. I am a blessed one to be called to serving the church that I love. I’ve taken a few much needed breaks here and there but they were taken so that I wouldn’t become burned out, that I refresh to do the work with the right reason, or in order to deal with sin issues [to be honest here]; it’s been for the best benefit to me and for the church. In most things, I seem to need periods of stepping back, evaluating, and resetting. Even through the toughest moments, I fought hard in good part in order to stay in service-ready condition at this church.

Part of me thinks that I might… like the maverick stuff I’ve mentioned before, I am concerned about becoming institutionalized. When I sense that I’ve been in a comfort zone possibly too long, I buck against it and break wild. When I was in the long depression of years and years and I couldn’t seem to break free from it… I was almost gone at moments. It seems like perhaps, people in this church need a little shake up, and I really don’t wanna worry about regulations and voting decisions and all that and forget about the shaking it up; there are enough people worrying about those things and forgetting about the most important thing. Things are so good and tough and worthwhile right now that I don’t wanna be distracted from the most important thing.

If I make the decision to do it, the choice would be gone and I could get lazy about making that choice each day, you know what I mean? Huh, it is like a marriage, isn’t it? Hmmm….

Though, Pastor Cousin made good points. I love my church. I’m already committed. Membership is one more step in maturing, that’s all, just one more step. And at this point of my journey, the decision wouldn’t be just the next step. I was baptized more than a decade ago and didn’t become a member right away just because it was something to do; I waited to make sure. I should be sure by now, right? One can’t say that I didn’t take this seriously or that I didn’t understand the meaning of it. When I make a decision like this, I need to make it, and it might be a good time to do that.

And it would be a statement for others, a help to them. Again, it’s one more step in being a leader in the complete sense. It would be a testimony, more so if one knows me, to do the hard work, to allow for blessings, to dream big, trust God all the way! Did I ever imagine I would be who I am today? Did I think it possible that what people were telling me all along was true? Did I dream to be used in service for ministry so mightily, or at all? Dream about being a part of refreshing the church? NO WAY. God delivers more than we could hope for ourselves, and it looks like nothing we could ever think of, if we make that commitment to obey. If I should decide to become a member, it would be like a college graduation for me, being that I do have difficulty identifying or joining a group.

Sorry, maybe I got a little away from what Pastor Cousin was saying. It would be a help to others, showing them that I believe in something and what that is. It would show boldness to commit to something big without fear. It would show what a true, complete leader does.

I’ve gone through a four-class program about who another church was. Some people from my church got nervous when I went to that other church, but I never had the intent of moving away. Still, I was able to learn a few things through that program. The upcoming lunch, it’s at the same time that I could be doing something else but something that I don’t have to do. I would go out of curiosity than like really wanting to become a part of their church. Can’t blame them for trying though, right? I’m a hot commodity at the moment! Haha! As if they would know that, if it were even true!

I don’t know what I’m gonna do about becoming a member. I really like being a “free agent,” but good free agents get signed eventually, right? Praying. Weighing.

Is it my time?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Setup Conspiracy

Uh oh.

I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why people feel the need to pair up single people. Sometimes I wonder if seeing single people saddens them or something. I understand pairing up people to a small extent. I don’t know that I’ll ever be a matchmaker. Like when I entertain those kinds of ideas, it’s not serious; it’s kind of like pairing me up with Dr. Spencer Reid or pairing up opposites to imagine how they would deal with conflicts or… just something ridiculous.

The other day, I ran into someone at church. Basically found out that someone was conspiring to pair me up with a single male one knows in the church.


Yup. Uh oh.

So, I don’t know if or what’ll happen with this. I don’t even know if others have designs for me with other guys. That’s crazy.

I don’t know if I would be ready for something, for the possibility of a serious relationship. I’m not talking like the guy would want to get married right away or that that’s what I’m asking for. I’ve said before that I want to be married, but there’s something that… I don’t know if it’s just not the time for that or… what.

I’m surrounded by single guys. And I’m sure people are seeing that and thinking that I’m pursuing a serious relationship. Yet look at it: I did not choose the situation. I did not seek out a bunch of young single guys and go, I think I’m gonna do ministry there with those guys in hopes of a relationship. I’m not thinking that, even if I seem to “click” with a certain guy, because I’m having difficulty making and keeping just friends. A relationship would be a whole different level.

I’m not motivated by that.

I think maybe I am afraid of that.

I think a friend tried to tell me something once. It seems so long ago. I guess… then I was afraid… [I can say this] … [I’m gonna say this] … that in time he would learn more about me, and learn to like me less and less… and then not at all.

My core, Apple, Trace, Joyous, Crusty, they have been the only ones, my true friends, so far [besides family] to accept me as I am at every stage and to see that we sharpen each other, that we are growing and bettering ourselves, that we’re motivating each other in a positive way. They accepted me and brought me in from the outside, and they’ve made me want to be a better person, they’ve made me a better person. Then I changed and they continued to accept me, and to challenge me, and to inspire me. Then I changed again, and they continued to accept me, and over and over…. They accept me even in my worst moments, and remind me that I’m better than it.

They’re very much with me.

I didn’t find them until I was about 20. That’s a long time. It’s been 12 years with them. That’s a commitment. To find something like that in… a serious relationship with a guy… [deep breath] that’s gonna be tough. It’s gonna be a whole different fight. It’s gonna be a whole different pain.

It’s gonna take growth.

I wanna say that I’ve been preparing for it, that I’m ready, I just don’t know. And I won’t know unless something comes along.

And I’m afraid because I once had hope in this matter.

Pray that I remember what I’ve been reminding others, God is in control and he provides what is best and good.

Grrrr! This is tough! The waiting and the not-knowing and the hope. I’m gonna be okay no matter what. I can be enough for someone.

Until then, I hafta keep on track! Do ministry and for the right motivation!

[Laughing] God, you’re funny! Thank you for laughter and humor, even when I wish the joke wasn’t always on me.

The end.

*Note: The core is together because they are friends with each other as well. I also have Willpower, Chulo, and Handsome as a sub-core, the male reps. Willpower and I have been friends since high school. I met Chulo when I was 19. Handsome has been a friend for a decade. Then I have to mention Darling, whom has been my advocate and sister since I was 17. I met Leelee in the fourth grade; we’ve been friends, but lost a few years apart, and only recently have been hanging out a little more. I feel like I’m missing someone or people. I just miss my friends. I could use their physical presence right now.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Driving Grievance

Someone finally broke silence on something that another(s) should have told me. It angered me because it showed so much about how much the other(s) does not care about me and does not care to find out who I truly am; in short, it showed immaturity. The same thing was brought up again more recently. It still bugs me yet I’m trying to not let it distract me from good or more important things. If the other(s) wants to continue holding on to the prejudice and not talk to me about it directly, of which I am willing to hear them, then I have no choice but to remain silent with them about the knowledge. I should also keep in mind that my information may not be entirely correct, though I sense that it is at least mostly true.

So the thing is related to how I rarely drive. The situation was ripe for such a grievance, like a brewing storm. I shall write about it here and then leave it.

It’s easier to say that I just don’t like to drive. I don’t like to drive. I will drive but I don’t like to. Rarely does it happen that I want to drive. Don’t confuse the differences in the statements.

Wrestler was a full-on masculine, athletic jock, protector & provider kind of man. He always drove us; it didn’t matter if I loved to drive or not. He took on himself the role of driver. I had told him that I don’t like to drive. I often had to drive myself, but Wrestler always drove us.

Who was driving became a problem one night. Wrestler was sore or tired one night, so he asked me if I wanted to drive. At this point of the relationship, I noted that Wrestler didn’t like to discuss serious stuff. In my mind, I picked on the word wanted and replied that I didn’t want to drive.

Manipulative on my part, yes. Perhaps I’ll explain more another time.

It sounds like I want to be spoiled. Well, yes but not exactly. I like knowing how much someone cares about me, and if they are willing to drive me when I could use a ride is just one way of observing their care.

Yet the dislike of driving is near the bottom of the list of reasons why I rarely drive. Below are the reasons.

THE NUMBER ONE reason why I don’t drive much is because I do not have a car. I do not own one. I do not have a right to use Mom’s car. I have the privilege of shared use of Mom’s car.

2] Dad drives the junky squealing car for work. I enjoy leaving the good car [Mom’s] for Dad’s use should he want it. He doesn’t go out much, yet there are times when he does go out, or sometimes he might go out if he has the use of the car. Dad cannot use the good car if it is not at home for him to use.

And so, I am more inclined to ask for the car if it is for a ministry thing. I am more likely to stay home if it is for hanging out with friends and have no ride.

Honestly, I could get the car almost every time that I ask for it. I mostly choose not to in consideration of Dad [and that I don’t mind taking the bus].

3] In my darkness, it is less safe for me to drive. It is less safe for myself and for the others on the road at the same time as I am. A darkness can be triggered while I’m driving, as in the sight of a piece of blown tire on the freeway can trigger or worsen the darkness through anxiety and such; it’s not a very comforting thing to not know when a darkness might be triggered.

There have been times that I think I’m strong enough for or think I need to get out of the house, either on my own or to see a friend, yet shaky about driving in my condition. I am so grateful in those times for someone to offer me a ride; I don’t usually let them know that I am sensing weakness and that being the reason that I’ve asked for a ride.

4] I don’t like to drive. I am impatient about traffic [though I’ve gotten calmer about it]. I don’t like looking for parking. I can be unnerved by irresponsible or overly timid drivers.

Also related to things that may trigger or worsen a darkness: I am concerned about debris on the road. Especially with plastic bags floating on the currents in front of me, if I pass a bag, I will check in the rear-view mirror if the bag reappears behind me. It is a potentially unsafe thing if I become too concerned about the bag while I am still driving. My brother had a bag melt to his exhaust pipe and the car stank for awhile after the removal. However, in my mind, I am seeing a bag get stuck and blow up the car or something; irrational, maybe, but it’s in my mind nonetheless.

I have had the windshield crack while I was driving on the freeway. I was following far behind a big rig ‘cuz I don’t like driving close to them. Still, at that distance, the big rig tire popped up something, a big rock or a full can; the object flew directly at the middle of the windshield, cracking a huge one in it. This happened near the beginning of a long drive. Good thing the glass didn’t shatter or that the crack didn’t spread while I was driving [or at least, not so obviously that I could notice]. I was able to reach my destination safely and then called Dad to find out what I should do.

And while I know how to change a flat tire, I am unable to do so, on account of not being strong or leveraged enough to loosen the bolts on my own. I have had two flat tires in my driving history so far, and one of them was at a very inconvenient place on the freeway where there was barely a shoulder. That is another story I shall probably tell at another time.

The grievance included how it seems like I just show up to things, expecting a ride. Well, one, if I was expecting a ride it was because I let someone know beforehand that I would need a ride home and was told to come and a ride would be figured out. It is respectful and I do my best to let someone know or actually procure a ride beforehand. I hardly come across a last minute or unexpected ride-needing.

Also, if no ride can be found, I have it in mind that I will catch the bus. I really enjoy riding the bus most times. Or if I need to meet a ride halfway or something, and there is time and way to do that, I will do that. I am willing to work something out.

So, if people don’t want to give me a ride, I expect them to just say so. I’ve had that happen where someone told me no, and it wasn’t because of inconvenience or inability to give me a ride home; they just didn’t want to. That was okay. I could respect that person for directly telling me the truth.

What bugs me are people who begrudgingly give me a ride and then talk about it behind my back, not having all the facts either. If one doesn’t want to give me a ride ‘cuz they can’t stand me/ don’t want me around/ are upset with me, just say so. I don’t endeavor to be a jerk, I can take a dislike well, I will be as mature as I can be in any given situation, I am not a mind-reader, and we cannot resolve a conflict if either or both of us are being dishonest, or if I don’t even know that something’s being held against me.

*Sigh* So there it is, my side to what little information I’ve come across. Now that I’ve written this, I shall put it on the shelf somewhere, file it in some hidden drawer in the back basement of my mind. I can do no more about it unless it ever comes up openly.

The end.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I Got Up There! Photos

[Had trouble with the captions lining up with the respective photos and couldn't figure it out!!!!!!!!]