Sunday, October 3, 2010

Scattered Love, Fragile Hope

I had asked Friend if it’s possible for someone’s community to be one of individuals. Friend said yes, they thought so.

I seem to be one who’s easiest with individuals. I have many good friends, they’re just in different places and/ or came from different groups, areas, times of my life. Basically, they mostly don't know each other at all. As with most anything, there’s give and take, positives and negatives, advantages and disadvantages to having such a thin network of good friends.

And it’s really pulling me apart these days. I guess I always thought that I would get better or things would get better, eventually. These days I feel like it’s getting worse. Or I’m more sensitive to this thing. I don’t know if… it’s…. I just see the community that other people have and I don’t have that. I’ve always known this. Only now, I hate it being so. I don’t have a community. Some of it is life, someone moves or has a family. But mostly it seems to be simply… me. My relationships seem to have an expiration date.

I feel powerless. Having at times hoped and then being… s--------… a----… l---… I don’t know what to do. A part of me thought I was keeping myself safe from heartache and then to try stuff and face the heartache… makes me…, you know? Ha, I was reminded today that our church recently went through the Peacemakers Study, but I can’t seem to… I mean.... I’m not at peace and I…. Steamrollers. I am flat.

It sounds weird to say but I know I’ve grown from who I used to be and it’s…. What I’m trying to say is that… I see how spoiled I’ve been in the past, in mostly good ways. … I don’t want to talk about this right now.

My Core group is scattered. One in WA, another in CO, and one in EB. WA and CO keep in touch with me most, but all 3 have their lives to manage. I don’t really tell any of them how I’m truly doing. WA is the most aware and sometimes just knowing her love, because she’s built and maintained for so long, I get some strength from it, some hope. But it’s not like we all network to take care of each other. If I can hide so easily from this group, it doesn’t matter who else I have.

I have individual support in L.A. [2], FL, OR, IL. I’m not gonna talk about here at “home.”

Today, I witnessed a piece of what I want.

While waiting for the guys to come, I talked a little with Ki. He seemed okay. During class, he sat kinda apart from us. After class, he just got up and left. So MT was saying that’s how Ki is, he could tell something was bothering Ki, that it was kinda ----------, Ki just holds stuff in. All that time, MT and the guys were looking to where Ki had gone to, looking out for him, wanting their friend with them. MT wasn’t saying anything out of… I could tell that MT was only speaking out of love for his friend, not gossip.

Then they went to look for Ki. They didn’t find him so they went to service anyway.

They didn’t push Ki into talking or anything, but they sought after him. They knew they couldn’t do much but they were going to do the little they could do. They talked about their concern and acted on their concern.

It’s not an ideal situation, but it’s life. I later saw Ki come back with a friend, so maybe Ki had been concerned that his friend hadn’t been at class, I don’t know.

That’s a picture of a community.

And I don’t have that. It’s good that I had the privilege of my Core when we were all together, so I know what it is that I want. I just don’t know that I can have it again.