Saturday, September 25, 2010

Untitled [09.25.2010]

I’m not sure what is going on….

It seemed like something was working… but I’m getting the sense that people are… lying to me. Or they’re saying things to… appease me. Or they’re talking to each other but not to me.


If life is about love, then why is it so difficult to love?

You know, having read the 5 Love Languages, it would help some, IF people were more honest. I could tell you my love language, but who cares? I’m tired of hearing your BS answers, ‘cuz I can’t love you best if you won’t be honest with me.

I want to love people so that they know it! They’re assured of it! Someone [me] somewhere [here] loves them!

And do you know how that is true? Because God loves us all, he loved me, and I cannot help but to love others, to spread HIS love to others.

And I’m tired of caring so much that I actually feel my heart aching when you don’t seem to care at all.

I want to go back to not caring.

I can’t do this. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I already don’t feel like talking to one friend for now. And it sucks. But I’m thinking of not talking to another friend. And then so-and-so doesn’t have time for me or for me to have time for them. It's all closing in on me. Go back to having no friends. It's easier. Don't bother them and they won't bother you. Hands off. And this is probably the work of the devil to separate me from others, just when I'm reaching towards my potential in Christ. Well, the devil may not be all-powerful but he's not an idiot either.

I don’t feel like talking at all. To anyone.

Just go back to the masquerade with everyone else, like everyone else.

Who was I to think I could help bring about change?

Who was I to think that my hope could help spark hope in anyone else?

No matter what I do... something….

If I stay….

If I go….

People aren’t going to wonder why I’m around.

They’re not going to wonder why I’m not around.

What’s the point of caring?

What’s the point of being myself around others?

I’ve seen genuine people. I know genuine people. How does it seem so easy for them? Why can’t I just… be?

Yet even in this struggle, I can’t give up hope. I can’t not have faith. Because God has been so faithful to me. I know how all this sounds when held up against my speeches of faith. I KNOW.

But I’m tired.

I’m losing hope.

But I’m not.

I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s just that….

If I say that I can’t lead people to more of better things because I seem to be emotionally unstable or tormented or whatever this is, then I’m discounting a whole population of others like me. I’ve known people who were… stuff… and they ministered to me. I would also be discounting God’s power and sovereignty. He made me this way for a purpose. I might never know what that purpose is; I’ll certainly be far from it the more I don’t try at all.

It’s just so damn hard.

And I think I’m….

God, I LOVE YOU! And this… this… condition… sucks so much.

I don’t know what this is.

I don’t know what to do.

I know I deserve more. I deserve better. But what would I do with it?

I don’t feel like talking. And the thing is, I know you won’t push it. You won’t even touch it.

That just makes me more sad.

If I disappear… if you genuinely cared… I’m sorry, I’m sorry for having wasted your time, I’m sorry and I know saying so will never be enough.

I don’t know how much more my heart can take.


  1. I'm always encouraged when I see you at church. When I see you I feel like everything in the world is good. And that's coming from a guy who has terrible church attendance.

  2. Thank you, Clay! I need to hear stuff like that every so often. I am also encouraged by your attendance and faithful service with the praise band- keep it up!


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