Monday, September 20, 2010


The past Sunday was quite refreshing.

For awhile, people have been talking to me about serving this group of guys. They got Alpha to lead, and then got Alpha to encourage me to help him lead. This group is seeking more. They would like to build up more knowledge. They’re intelligent, I wasn’t suggesting that they’re not. It’s more that they recognize an area that they want to know more about that people think I might know something about.

So, I was with this group on Sunday. Refreshing. They have the heart.

This is all from my perspective, what I am able to estimate from the outside. I am not saying that I know these things to be a fact because I can’t truly know what another person is thinking or feeling.

As I sat at the benches with Alpha and the guys, I could tell that God is real to them. They talked about their struggles. They talked about real situations, not vague allusions to something. They didn’t have pat Christian responses. Though they emphasized going to the Word, there was something in how they were saying it that I sensed that they meant it. They talked about moments that sounded like they were brought to recognize that God is all they have and all that matters.

I can relate to that. Even though my struggles are very different from theirs, theirs being more visible while mine is so very internal and more invisible, our struggles seem to have a commonality. Our struggles have brought us to those “God alone” moments, moments when the only place we have to turn is to God, moments when God showed up for us whether or not it turned out well.

We all struggle with something or other.

The guys mentioned about the difference in their lives, from who they used to be to who they are now. They talked about who they want to be. And they’re actively seeking it out.

Not only are they seeking God but they are also “seeing” God. They talked about where they were supposed to be that day, ended up staying at home, one woke up to the sound of the church bell, called up each other, and came to church. They thanked God for it, saying that church was where they needed to be.

I relate to that! It was refreshing.

They discussed some scripture passages, like Luke 23, leading up to verse 43. They talked about what they thought it was saying and what it meant to them. I think they were very sharp with their insights. They know more than they think. I barely said a word.

It was refreshing, because I got to be more of the kind of leader I think I am best in being. Too bad that others missed it.

I don’t want to sound like I’m judging anyone. As much as possible I try to keep all aspects in play. I’m trying to ferret out [discern] a way that I can serve the other group still, because God made them my heart, or I wouldn’t be so frustrated and showing it. Even if I serve the Refresh group, which is a piece of the vision, of God’s call on me, I have a need to serve the… [I’m not going to call them what I want to call them, it’s not…, just…, I don’t have… ] the….

I just wanted someone to hear me out while I worked out some of the difference in the ---------. It’s not completely, clear cut [and I prefaced my thoughts with this], but one seems to have something more in the ------- while the other seems to have something more in the -------. Not that either is bad or is better than the other and what that something is, ---------. For me, the ------- finally caught up to the --------, to where I am closer to loving God with all of my being.

--------- does good. Friend pointed out that ---------- used to do things with --------- and that --------- would probably say that those moments were real. I think Friend was missing my meaning and why I prefaced my thoughts. [Sometimes, it’s such a chore to have to be so careful with how someone says something, and it bugs when someone says something that sounds like they’re assuming that I’m not already being as careful with how I say things as much as is in my control or that it sounds like they’re assuming I mean to be a prick because I said something using certain words. It’s good if someone asks a clarifying question, but that’s not what Friend did. Well, that’s another problem I have with writing here because… anyways, let this merely be a note to possibly write another post on this topic]. Although that brings something up as well.

I’m sure God was there in those moments when any is doing something good, but whether or not anyone…. Okay, the thing is, anyone can do good regardless of their spiritual background. Atheists do good all the time. I don’t have a problem with that. I’m not talking about good deeds, that’s not the point.

But back to the --------- in particular, something dropped between that time ------- were doing things with ---------- to now where ------- are… like… so… [and this is one of the problems with being so careful and people being so sensitive and me… whatever].

Ugh, nevermind.

So if God truly wants me to do this thing, would one think that I should be able to communicate that to others? I see how that could seem like a fault and that more likely I haven’t been called to do this thing, but screw that. I have the same doubts. It’s just… I’m unsatisfied with what seems to be… inevitable, or, like, I’m not satisfied with settling for less kind of situations. I get that God is all I need and that in that sense, I will be okay no matter what happens, even in settling. Also, I don’t believe that this is the best of what God wanted for us. Be clear: I am not saying God made a mistake, although most times I feel that way when it comes to the task he wants me to accomplish. And you know, maybe I am very idealistic, but so what? I’m also in reality, so what’s so bad about reaching for more?

Did I reach any sort of crumb of a conclusion here? No, I still don’t know what to do. This is an exercise, not a dissertation. Sorry for all the blanks.

It was a refreshing time on Sunday.

OH! Okay, I have more about Alpha that I don’t want to forget! But this is already at ridiculous lengths that I’ll write another entry. Hey, I said there are a lot of things going on in my head, did I not?

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