Monday, September 6, 2010

Living Together, No: My Reasons

I have friends who’ve lived/ are-living with their significant others before marriage. Not in a judging way, I truly don't understand how they can live with their boyfriends before marriage, and I know they want to get married.

Friend V and I were catching up one day. We got to the topic of her moving to another state with and living with her current boyfriend/now-fiancée. I couldn’t understand how she would live with another guy when her last live-in relationship had turned out so badly. I said that I couldn’t live with a significant other until after marriage. She said that I’d be surprised.

Hmmm… still thinking… um… NO.


Years after the break up, Wrestler and I got together for lunch. He started to reminisce with something like, “Remember that house we lived in by the university? It was a good house, wasn’t it?” It was a good house, very spacious, nice layout, great location for him at the time.

To clarify, I asked if he meant “we” as in… him and his roommates…? He said, “You were there all the time. It was like you lived there too.” I changed the subject after that.

I am still uncomfortable with Wrestler’s statement. The situation was that we were stretched between Mililani, Kaka‘ako, Hawaii Kai and Manoa; the house by the U was the most convenient meeting point. I really wasn’t there that often. It just seemed like it.

I love the idea of living with a significant other, but that significant other is going to be my husband.
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Friend W moved in with a married friend couple and her boyfriend. She had lived in town, worked with all three of them in Wahiawa, and they lived in Mililani. I can see how it would be more ideal for W to move in with friends. Another consideration was time with the bf: he was so busy with work and also his love of dog showing that he had little time for W. She said that even living in the same house as him (she had her own room), she didn’t get to see him often at all.

>>>If a guy has no time for us, and we also work together with still no time for us, it’s not time to live together. It’s more of a time for a probable parting of ways.
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Friend X moved in with her boyfriend. After over a year together, as I hear it, he suddenly wanted a break up. I don’t think he kept the apartment, but the situation was that X had to pack up and move out in a hurry. Oh, and find a new place to live.

>>>I’d like to avoid the possibility of such situations. I really don’t care about financial savings by living together; it’s not worth the possibility of a bad break up and frantically finding a new place to live. I will have my home and he will have his unless we get married.
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More on the financial savings bit:

Friend Y is living with her boyfriend; her roommate got married and it created a situation where Y had to find a new place to live. Y was relatively new to the area, so no trusted friend and no family to temporarily stay with, to help her out until she found something she could afford.

>>> In such a situation, maybe I would stay with a boyfriend, MAYBE, but I would be actively looking for a different situation with roommates, or move back home if I absolutely couldn't afford something. I would rather save money by living with my family, or live with roommates even though I have stories and stories of bad roommates, and save money that way than to live with a boyfriend.

I would rather move back home and possibly lose the boyfriend instead of living with him because of a financial situation. That probably sounds ridiculous or unromantic to people but living together is really not something I want to compromise just for romance. If we're meant to be, we will happen some other way.
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What else is there? The temptation of physical intimacy.

>>>I wouldn’t be able to handle a separation after physical intimacy, so I’d rather avoid the opportunity of such as much as possible. Having merely kissed Dimples made the break up rough on me. Living together would bring up, in a strong and constant way, the possibility of more than kissing. I really don’t understand how people can do stuff with boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend, and so on. And I wouldn’t trust myself to live with a boyfriend and not do stuff, to completely resist the temptation. I’d rather do with less temptation as possible.

Friend Z is living with her boyfriend but says it’s okay regarding the physical intimacy temptation because they’re living with his parents. I say, what about moments being home alone together? I’d rather not have to deal with the possibility of such scenarios and not living together would greatly reduce the chances of moments alone together from happening.
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Testing out what it would be like to live together married before getting married, finding out who I’m marrying:

>>>Not at all a convincing point for me. Getting married to me better be more about how loving and caring I am and other good qualities than the fact that I’m a night owl while he’s a morning person. If something like squeezing a toothpaste tube from the top instead of the bottom is going to be a deal-breaker for him, I don’t think he should be living with anyone.

Married couples have worked through more cutting deal-breakers and stayed together. My parents didn’t live together before marriage and they are still together.

I’m not saying that pet peeves and such should be a complete surprise when finally married; ideally, serious things should be discussed before getting married. However, if the fact that he uses his shirt as a tissue is going to screw with how much I love him, then I shouldn’t be living with anyone either and I’m definitely not ready to get married [and I probably didn’t really love him to begin with].

[This also goes for sleeping together before marriage: if I’m too concerned with a guy being bad in bed or us being bad in bed with each other, then I’m not ready to be married and have no business sleeping with someone before marriage. It works the other way too: if the guy really needs to marry someone because she’s good in bed or they’re good in bed with each other, he’s not ready to get married and he has no business dating me at all.]

Oh, also, it would be too easy for both of us to live together, get comfortable and become like a married couple, and then more so put off the idea or the need to get married. I want to be married someday.
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So, many reasons I don’t think I will be living with a boyfriend. I doubt I would even live with a fiancée, because there’s always the chance that the wedding doesn’t happen. Should I violate the reasons I gave and live with a boyfriend before marriage, feel free to completely shove this entry in my face.

Go ahead, try to give a reason that will change my mind.

The end.