Wednesday, September 15, 2010

It’s Not About What I Want

I want to quit.

In the area of God’s current call on me, I am still frustrated. It hasn’t changed: work with young adults, guide the young adults, and build a ministry for young adults.

Whether I do quit or not, I will face negative consequences with humans. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Only I sense the Holy Spirit telling me that Christ endured worse, for our sake. Christ calls someone to follow Him, regardless of preparation, regardless of circumstance, regardless of reputation, regardless of family ties and friendships. God is the only one I need and the only one that ultimately matters.

Yet, I’m frustrated with God as well. I’m not expecting the full plan, but neither do I know what the next step is to be. Or I can’t seem to discern it, if he’s already telling me what it is.

On the one hand, I’m resigning myself to the idea that God often doesn’t make sense. He may have called me to do this thing and I may have to do it alone, which doesn’t make sense because what he wants me to do is for others. Doing it with others, that might just be my own desire. On the other hand, my vision of what he wants makes sense as to where he has led me and the possible why. Yet I can’t seem to go that way, so again it doesn’t make sense.

I’m tired of making the effort. I’m tired of trying to do the “mature thing.” I’m tired of being met by the same people to no overflow, no outcome, no purpose, full of vain effort.

Each time I’ve been a step away from quitting, God has brought others to tell me not to, to pray over me. This time is no exception.

Knowing what I know, how can I turn back now?
Is this too much for me?
If I break one more time, will it be the end?
How much more can he take away from me?
Why give me a moment’s joy, to build up my faith, and then take the joy away?

I feel left behind. I feel invisible. I feel like I’m upside down. I feel like I’m being held back. I feel too seriously. I feel unbalanced. I feel not understood. I feel uncared for, that it doesn’t matter to try to be understood anymore if the other does not care. I feel like I've already proven myself only to no recognition whatsoever, to no useful end. I feel like I’m in the dark.

I don’t want to feel any more.

It’s true and it’s not true.

I don’t want to disappoint and yet I don’t know how to succeed.

Now that I have that off my chest………….

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