Ahhhhh…! Okay, so many things going on, in my brain and in the world, so I’ll try to keep it orderly but… you know. Tumbleweed. Spaghetti brain.
God is faithful.
I get down a lot. It’s so easy to get down because God has nurtured much more sensitivity in me than I used to have, or maybe, than I used to show or let overflow. I love. I hurt for others. I doubt myself more than I used to because I am so aware of my brokenness. It kinda sucks but it’s kinda cool too. It’s that much easier to throw me off, that’s all; yet at the same time, it’s growing me, pressuring me like as with coal to uncover the diamond, refining me. It moves me.
Is that part about the diamond right? The 100% words mess me up, and then there’s… STOP.
People have been saying it the past few years and I thought they were wrong, that they were merely wishing to see something in me that wasn’t there in hopes that it would spontaneously materialize out of their words; they have been telling me how compassionate I am, that I have a good heart. I think, maybe, they might be telling the truth. It might be nice if I could show myself some of that compassion, but I seem to see myself, to a certain respect, through the way that others treat me. So I suppose, at times, if I’m not shown compassion very often, I tend to think it’s because I haven’t been compassionate to others, sort of the “you get out what you put in” thing. It’s not always true though.
Whoa. Was that more than I wanted to share.
So is this.
I invested a lot of time into a certain group of people.
I usually only invest in a few individuals at a time, usually of different groups. By Crusty’s example truly, years ago, she invested in me, which brought me in proximity with Apple and The Don and a few others through the years; so I invested in that group and it was/is paying back greatly. The dynamic has changed, because there’s a complication between The Don and I, Crusty is building a family, and Apple is far away, but I know that I can call any of them in a time of need or to simply update each other.
I think that’s how good things are; a group is together for a time, growing each other, challenging each other, supporting each other, and then at the right time, either they split off to benefit other groups or bring others in, yet that initial group is still bonded together forever. New experiences, other people, a change in scenery… nothing can threaten that bond.
The direction of this post seems to be turning to something else… oh well.
The current group, you know… God really sets us up, doesn’t he? Here’s how it goes for me: my core group didn’t break down, it broke out. The Don and I split, in simplest terms, because we’re very different and not in a way that we could stay together without the others. Crusty got married and began that chapter in her life. Then what I would have previously thought would be in the top 10 of worst things that could happen to me, Apple tells me she’s moving away. She has been such a ROCK for me. Apple’s news came at a good time for me though, a time when I could handle such news, and I miss her but am so glad she did it. So I embarked on a new journey.
I went to God and said, “You’ve got to be kidding me. This leaves me with no one, and you know I need someone to be local! You’re going to bring me new support right? But still, you’re expecting me to make the new friends right?” The meaning: God’s gonna take care of me but I’m gonna hafta work for it as well, to step out with faith in action.
I need local, present attention. The… paradox [?]… or my reciprocal nature [?] is that I give what I get. It doesn’t matter who starts it, but if I give and I get, I will give again, and if I get again, I will give even more, so on and so forth. It’s a progression until a comfortable medium is reached or something like that. But I don’t like building something up to have it taken away for no good reason. I admit, I am a spoiled rotten friend.
And work on it I did. From that point on, two big things were going on at the same time but looked like they were working together: making friends and obeying God. I had to become more open, more vulnerable, more true to who I am, more trusting, friendlier, welcoming- in other words, not who I used to be, in both the social realm and the spiritual realm. It was better but it sucked!
This is what it looked like: I sought out more knowledge of God, then felt led to answer the request of volunteering in a ministry. From there I met a potential friend, someone about whom I had been curious for some time. I heard of a gathering through which I knew I would be helped in the search for more of God and the friend eventually became my inlet to that gathering. That gathering became the doorway to this certain group of people. God caused or helped me cultivate such a love for each person in the group; I counted them as friends (though not necessarily that I was “in” the group). Even when the One-Who-Was-Away was to return, I got excited for it on their behalf! I invested so much of myself into these friends. I initiated and acted and followed-through and you know, it just wasn’t enough for me to stand by because I cared too much to do that.
With that love for the group, I sought out to do something for that group, or actually, for that group and then to beyond that group.
So when God told me to do something, I did something, because looking back, it made sense, it all came together. (Well, aside from my lack of faith, and possibly other’s lack of faith, in myself… I was/am still going along but at the same time saying, “God, seriously? Me?!”) It seemed God brought me and this group together for this reason.
But that has been rejected and I feel dejected. Not that I knew where the set up was heading [i.e. ministry], but it seems like all that love and care and time, what was invested in the group, is left unrecognized, collecting dust, useless. I’m left wondering, “What was all that for? Nothing? That was so hard for me!” It’s back to making no sense.
So, some parts of the vision are in place, I’m just not in it [the vision] anymore. I feel like I’m an outside observer to… my own party or something, though that’s not right because it’s still not about me, but you know, that I… ugh.
I didn’t want to be here. It’s not fun for me to question and define who my friends are and aren’t. I’ve learned by the examples of others, Crusty being a major influence, to invite people, bring anyone and everyone along. It’s not gonna kill me. [Like the 4th of July or a birthday gathering, I invited everyone I could to come and just the old faithful came] It’s my nature now to invite everyone I can; I think it’s good, that I don’t really want to let go of it.
Is this what God set me up for?!!
But as with many situations, I’m not closing the book just yet.
But seriously, God? I’m very close to square one again in terms of having to build up a new support? This sucks! Who is left?!
I believe God is so great, so sovereign, that he’s not threatened by my questions or my doubts or my pains or… nothing. God knows me, he knows my heart. So I can talk to God like this, because he’s real to me. It’s only the situations and experiences he allows or puts me through that suck but ultimately, I know it’s for good.
GOD IS FAITHFUL.
I’m alive. I’ve got shelter and food. I have an outer circle of people who do care about me and act on it [though that seems so inside out]. I have a couple of good friends from that batch, to whom I am bonded and so fear no threat if I… go to benefit others. It’s just sad because with the Core, we had so many years and memories together. It’s just sad because people want me to stay but I have no answer for them still. It’s just sad because, well, it’s always sad to let a good thing go. And it’s sad too because… there are so many things left unresolved, unanswered, in the open, unexplored- you know, nothing’s really changed- it’s not like I’m moving or starting a family or building a career yet.
We could do so much more together.
So I want it to end but I don’t want it to end. And if it depends on the other side… it… um, yeah.
I want it easy. It’s not about what I want. I’ve been saying “this sucks” a lot lately [to myself and a select few who know what I mean and what I don’t mean by it]. It’s in reference to the fact that if I continue to choose God, it’s not going to be easy, that I should keep in mind that it’s not about what I want. If I want more, I ought to be willing to do more, endure more, give more, etc. As friend reminds me, grace ought not to be taken cheaply.
This was… fun not so much. I could unpack more. Or… not. Another time perhaps.
I apologize if it seems like I keep dwelling in the past, that’s not it. I keep revisiting the not so distant past in order to figure out some good where to go. I think that’s what I like about listening to people’s histories because sometimes we don’t realize something or miss something key unless we say/ acknowledge it out loud or write it out, some kind of record of it, perhaps someone to help us discover it.
The title of this post, um, well, it didn't end up being totally unrelated so, leave it.