Monday, September 20, 2010

Getting Up There

I guess I would say that I’m an Idea Person. It seems like lately I have a lot of ideas in mind. I’m about 30/70 on follow through on my own. I am not a Planner. I can plan, I don’t like to plan, especially for myself. I don’t like to plan by myself.

I have an idea for what I want to do for my birthday that is coming up. It’s a story to why I am “planning” to have a birthday dinner a month after my birthday.

Why plan is in “” is that I don’t like planning things for myself, and so many years, my birthday has passed quietly. No, more like lifelessly- it just didn’t happen. I like getting old and don’t really care if people know my age and so I should be excited to celebrate my birthday.

Yet I’m not excited because more so I don’t like planning things for myself.

And many times it doesn’t seem like other people care to celebrate my birthday, except for my family and we go to dinner. This year, I have very few people I am absolutely sure would care to do something. It’s less this than it is that I’m just… neurotic.

Many times, I just don’t want to celebrate. Once, I even told my family that I didn’t want to go to dinner. I regret that only because my birthday dinner is more about celebrating how my family have provided and cared for me. Last year sucked in so many ways.

Anyways, so I’ve started thinking about the pieces for this year but I don’t know if it’s going to happen. I don’t like planning things for myself. It’s also that if I plan it, I’m more likely to back out whereas if someone else plans something (though it’s never been for me since the 6th grade), I’m more likely to show up. If someone else plans something, I can better prepare to be strong that day. If I plan something and I happen to feel sucky that day, I’ll cancel. But I’m not going to ask someone to plan something for me.

Here, I am trying to convince myself that I ought to just plan it because I know what I want. It’s 50/50 that I’ll be successful in convincing myself. If I am successful, after that it is still 30/70 with follow through.

And this is why I will always adore Lea, because it was the best birthday I’d had in my teen years. Despite what I think about people saying Lea’s my “carbon copy,” we are very much alike. We’re very much alike in our sense of romance, even within a friendship, yet we don’t like drawing attention to what we do for others. It’s a little sad that life has taken us along different and separate paths, but I am so happy for her. I just miss her.

Anyways, the story: my birthday fell during ----- week. I decided that it was my senior year and so I was going to participate in a class battle. I chose volleyball.

I got to school early for the match. As I approached the gym, there she was: Lea with a birthday balloon tied to a Taz doll! “Happy birthday!”

That alone would have been enough, but then someone wrote “Happy birthday Jenn!” on the board in the bandroom. It was up all during MB practice that day. And, the MB sang for me. I have a suspicion that Lea had something to do with it, and I’m sure I’m right.

It was the best birthday.

Lea and I had only met a few months before yet we fast became best friends.

I feel strange about someone making a fuss over me.

But I value it so much, because I know they didn’t have to do it. They wanted to do it.