So, in being a risk-taker and involving others, I feel like a few were in some agreement with what I was trying to do, at first. When it came time to move, I feel like in general I was given a vote of no confidence before I even got to do anything real. I admit that some of that is with me. I am not the kind of person that… I mean, to an extent that is further than most people at the moment, I thought that people knew me. If the people who know me are giving off the sense of… waiting to see me fail, I… slowly… I am thrown. So I tried to go ahead with things and just keep trying, keep remaining faithful to the task to see what good could happen but it was…. It hurts.
Officially or not, min-wise, people have/ are saying that Group A needs me. I don’t know what I’m going to do ultimately. I suppose… I can’t imagine what they would need me for.
What I think are already my strengths, I get the sense that Group A doesn’t want that or care about that or something. [Again, this is just from my perspective] What good I think I might be capable of, it seems… I get the sense from Group A that I am to struggle and work that out myself.
Just as with anyone else, my faults are right at my side.
I am confident and I am not.
I believe God brought me an answer through Alpha. God’s been working in Alpha’s life and he’s been working in my life, and possibly bringing us together for I have no idea what yet.
When I presented what God has called me to, there was a question posed about how I know that’s what God is doing. It’s a good question, I recognize.
Ultimately, I don’t really care about answering it though, I want to go ahead and try. I want to move. I want to do. I want to start.
The conflict I was feeling [and the feeling is lingering] is that what God has called me to involves certain people and those certain persons, it seems to me, wants that question answered before being open to allowing me to do it. You know, if it didn’t include them, if it wasn’t for them, then I could do whatever I wanted. I could move forward with the ideas.
At the same time, I would like to be able to answer that question, even if just for myself. I sometimes think I have the answer, but then I become unsure of myself again. When I’ve tried to voice what the answer might be, others have found a way to shoot it down. [It’s not about you, Jenn! It’s not about them! Where’s your focus?] I feel like an apprentice minister who hasn’t been studying very long when the master is called away somewhere and I need to start practicing in his absence. And others are resenting it, fine.
You know what! The vision is really a… no, it might be clearer this way: my Core Group is the predecessor or the model of the vision. Is my purpose in there?
So I’ve struggled with this. Who am I to think I can guide others to something good, something better? I have no qualifications. [or do I?]
And then comes Alpha. I think where his heart, his spirit is now, is how I was, in certain respects, when I was excited. I allowed more and so God stepped up his work in me, and then this tremendous opportunity came along to do something and some signs were shown and I was excited for the chance. It was the most “on fire” I had ever been and excited because I knew there would be more ahead!
If Alpha said that God is calling him to lead Group C, I would believe him! I wouldn’t burden him with questions about his qualifications or for signs of affirmation because you know what? God doesn’t always tell us! God doesn’t always make sense to us! It’s just “Go here” and we either go or not. God told Abraham to go to the place God would show him, not the place that God has shown him. Abraham didn’t know where or how or why. God prepared Moses for something and then Moses was like, “are you serious?” [not literally, you know]. Jonah ran away from the task and God still turned that into a testimony, though at the moment, I would rather obey first than to disobey and end up some place I really don’t want to be.
Yes, God sent me an answer through Alpha. “Go. You trusted me a little before; continue to trust me more and more now.” Put aside the distractions of proof or signs. Put aside the distraction of the doubt of others. Put aside the distraction of the doubt in yourself. Trust God. Go.
And...everyone needs to start somewhere.
… I’m still not exactly sure what the next step is….
This has been a production of the Alpha Lift. Thank you.