Monday, September 20, 2010

Ahh, That Explains It

Oh, that earlier post “How Faithful,” some parts are so jumbled up and unclear. I’m just saying this because there are parts where it sounds clear that I’m going somewhere with it and drawing out the connections but then things end up in a smeary mess, I am aware of this. At least some of it sounds like my good old self.

I often skip steps. I try not to, but I don’t always have control over this. It’s as if, in a game like “Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon,” I will take something like Richard Dean Anderson and connect him to what my mascara smells like and leave out the first, third, and fourth links to where one is going HUH? while I’m following what I’m saying and it makes sense to me. This is why I am not funny.

My brother used to get marked down in school because he would see the task and write down the answer without the intermediary steps. Take a long division math problem of 6614947 / 623; Bro would probably write down 10617.9 without showing how many times does 623 go into 6614, next is how many times 623 go into 3849, and so on. Not literally, but you get the point. Only Bro skips steps because he’s close to genius whereas I skip steps because I’m close to ridiculousness.

It bugs that whether someone stays or goes, it doesn’t matter, or that the person will never know that it did matter because someone else didn’t care enough to say or do something, like.... I guess, that we’ll just leave people to their own devices because we…. A bridge! A bridge!

Ugh! I’M SO FRUSTRATING!

*silly face*

A reason I don’t like that I write here is because one can’t tell with what affect I am saying these things. I am a number of all things rolled into one moment that.... You know, sometimes I feel like such a freak of a circus.

I think I’m trying to convince myself of -------- but ---------------------.

I’ve been using the word “build” a lot. And there’s bridge, door, window, hammer, chisel, ratchet.... I must be structured for architecture or related trades.
____________________________

I have very few persons to give any piece of the support system that I need. Doing without just one person, even for a short time, is devastating at the moment. Yet I need to put a little distance between a friend and I.

My support system has a huge vacancy and I’m finding it difficult at the moment to do without it. It’s been a long time since that vacancy was last filled, too long. Maybe this is a key factor to how poorly I’ve been. My system is too heavy towards one direction.

I’ve said it before but maybe I didn’t realize how deeply honest it is: I feel invisible. I know at least one person who knows how to see me and would see me, but we’re separated. I am sad.

I could really use someone who....

I hate that I sound like such a whiny wimp! I could survive on so little. It sounds like I would be so high maintenance, that I need so much, this and that and then more, while really, I need very little. But there’s none and so as long as that vacancy is there, I’m -------------.