Monday, August 2, 2010

Untitled [08.02.2010]

Dear God,

All life is in your control. All love is in your control. It constantly amazes me that with all you do, all you care for, you also care for me. You care for each of us, simultaneously, in unique relationship with you. There is nothing that you cannot do. There is no one that you could not love.

Right now I feel like I can barely take care of myself. I am on a rollercoaster, and you know how much I don’t like rollercoasters. I doubt that it will get any easier in the coming days. In fact, I think this particular situation is going to get darker and tougher for me before it ever gets better.

Yet I’m not going to ask that you ease my coming pain and heartache. I know that I chose this and that I need to go through it, not avoid it. I think you mean for it to refine me. Even if I am wrong about your intentions, all I ask is that you remain with me. Please don’t remove your presence from me! No matter how ugly I feel, how stupid and ridiculous and foolish I might be in moments, please return me to you! I don’t want to be lost!

While this continues on, your will for me is to care for others- also not an easy task, especially for who you intend me to care for. Regardless of my will, may your care be my focus, for I think you mean for this to refine me also. May my focus be on your lead, on being increasingly obedient to your guidance. I am afraid though may my trust be in you.

I am unbelievably grateful that in all my mistakes and errors and defiant disobedience, in all my ugliness and unloveliness, you have always been faithful to forgive me and to cleanse me. I don’t want to disappoint you. Let all experiences continue to mold me to your purpose, to the Jennifer that you would will me to become. May you be my All.

Amen.