Thursday, August 5, 2010

It Certainly Feels Like Disaster

I don’t know what this is.

I suppose I have a different idea of friendship than some of the people around me these days. I guess I think that people shouldn’t have to keep saying “we’re friends.” I don’t usually need to hear it or have people profess it in front of a group; I tend to go by acts or gestures of friendship. I think I used to do well in figuring out someone’s “friend language” and then implementing it, but then maybe I was fooling myself into thinking so.

In my past experiences, I’ve never had someone tell me that I need to put in years of time with them before I’m “in.” I’ve never had that happen after I’ve already been around for years. I’ve never met more skeptical people before- actually, that might not be true depending on how I would describe my Berkeley friends. I’ve never been so disrespected or uncared for before.

I’ve never felt so invisible before.

No! I wanted to talk about good things. I wanted to focus on the good in people.
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So, stories. Illustrations.

I was not-seriously shopping with Fist last year. While she was trying on a top, I spotted this beautiful yellow blouse. They had it in my size so I tried it on… and it looked good. I finally decided to buy it because it was on sale, I rarely find clothes that I would love wearing, and more so because I’ve been thinking about building up a business wardrobe which this shirt would fit.

Fist stood in front of me to buy her top. Just before she steps up to the register, she slyly takes the shirt out of my hands and bought it for me. “I didn’t get you a [birthday] present,” she says. : ) I don’t think I’ve ever had someone do that for me before. I wear the shirt VERY OFTEN… and it still looks good on me.

Even when I worked a lot, I tend to be careful about money, of which I haven’t had much in a while. Still, I try to have enough or extra money when I go out. Polar and Monkey, they treated me to things a lot in the past. Polar is known to be generous; he’s a giver, everyone knows that. Monkey is more subtle in his ways. What I appreciate most about how Monkey would offer to pay for me is that he would do it so that I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I don’t embarrass easily anyway, but he cared about that. I think I was short of cash twice but with these guys around, no one would know it.

So Squeaks tells me that I cannot leave the group because she won’t have it. I went to an event for her; the first thing out of her mouth when we hugged was to ask after my Dad. I wrote previously that Polar’s telling me not to leave the group and that Broke sought out time with me & Fist. Shades always gives me a genuine hug, especially times when I’m down. Before I took a break, Pineapple requested that I don’t stay away too long; he even called to ask if I’d go to the event for Squeaks because he wanted his friends [of which he includes me] around. Brawl [formerly known as “Marshmallow”] inquired of my return and when we’re playing “Brawl,” he encourages me to play even though I’m terrible at it- he makes the game fun for me and makes me included.

One time, I ended up being the only girl having dinner with the guys. While mostly the guys talked amongst themselves about stuff I don’t understand, Tenor would make small conversation with me here and there. He’s good about acknowledging people’s presence, making them feel like a part of the outing. I don’t feel so invisible when he’s around.

I think I’m writing this to remind myself.

I don’t have an answer for those who’ve said they don’t want me to leave. They’re not the whole group. I usually don’t care if I’m comfortable with people or not; I’ll make a go of whatever situation, sometimes even if I don’t want to. I’d get to know people, try to make friends… but what if it seems like I couldn’t get anywhere with certain people? For now I’m still rather exhausted from previous tries. I’m gun-shy. I’m not used to putting so much effort into friendships. I still feel like I’m on one side and they’re all on the other, or some are trying to straddle the fence but are mostly on the other side for degree of loyalties. I’m concerned because this time it upsets mutual friends and some have been asking me questions about it so I wonder sometimes, am I the problem? They were getting on well before I came along, right? They still do when I’m not there? Or is it that I’m the one who’s willing to be honest with them even if it hurts? What if they don’t want such honesty? Someone who’s gonna say the tough stuff? Lately, I mostly feel like I bring everyone down, that I ruin their good time.

Why is the negative so much easier?

All of their good acts meant something to me. I’ve given so much benefit of the doubt yet I still need to call things as I see them. I feel like I’ve been allowed no benefit of the doubt at all. Someone says I need to trust them. What I wanted to say back: where were they when I needed their trust? I held back a lot.

I feel like the 2+ years I spent with the group as a whole doesn’t mean anything. Well, what did I do for them in that time? Not much, I guess. Maybe they’re justified. At least I provided entertainment for them a few times. I’m Boo Radley. Not that I look down at Boo ‘cause he was my favorite character in the story, but he is quite a lonely character, isn’t he?

2 years and they don’t know me at all.

Am I crazy? Do I just not know what friendship is?
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I know, I’m rambling.

I miss a lot of things.

I miss looking over at Monkey and thinking that we’re smiling at the same joke. It’s difficult looking over now and thinking I’m seeing a stranger. I have no guess at what he’s thinking.

I miss my sisters. I think I’ll go visiting very soon.

Another meaningful moment-
The group decided to go out to eat after working an event, as they usually do. I was going because someone was my ride home, though I was having difficulties with others who were going. It looked like I was going to be in a lonesome and uncomfortable situation considering the individuals going but I said I’d be okay, I’m an adult. Still, instead of going home and curing their exhaustion right away, Shades and Squeaks came along for my sake.

I love Shades and Squeaks. I can wholeheartedly, honestly, proudly say that they’re my friends and I am theirs.

Do I have a point to this in some near future? I don’t know. Friend-wise, I remain at a loss at the moment. What to do about that? I have absolutely no idea. I’m not even sure it would matter if I did. I’m trying, but each experience is unique and this one, I have no clue what to do.

All I asked for recently was respect. Not an intimate friendship with each person. Respect, because I believe I have been disrespected for a long time and that is why I pulled away.

I just can’t relax.

It doesn’t feel like any of it was real.

I could go on with good stories about these specific people, yet they seemed to have happened long ago and sometimes with different people. I regret not having so much stories to tell of recent times.