Monday, August 23, 2010

I Really Wouldn’t?

Years ago, I was working out at the gym with Crusty. She noticed a huge bruise on my thigh and asked about it. In my not funny way, I said that my imaginary boyfriend beat me up [No disrespect intended to those who’ve been abused, nor to those with imaginary boyfriends].

Crusty laughed. I asked her why she laughed. She said that she knew I would never be with someone who abuses me.

So I’ve been wondering, is that true? Can someone be immune to trapping oneself in an unhealthy relationship?

I’d like to think that I’m an intelligent, independent, stable woman. Okay, well, maybe not so much the stable part, just that I tend not to make relationship decisions based on emotions. I have a good relationship with my dad and my parents are still married to each other in a mostly healthy marriage. My former boyfriends have been good guys… but I’ve also dated some not so good guys.

Is that enough to be safe? I don’t know.

I kept seeing the video for “Love the Way You Lie” featured on YouTube. Someone posted it on their FB so I finally watched it. It’s quite a visually intriguing video.

Then recently, Friend was driving when the song came on the radio. Friend wondered if the song is really what it’s like for someone in an abusive relationship.

I won’t comment.

Dad has several sisters. Imagine my confusion the first time I heard my little cousin’s voice over the phone, asking if I knew where her mom was [Dad's baby sister], and Dad telling me to say that I didn’t know. I’m older and have heard a few stories of my aunties in abusive relationships. A few of them married the guys. It’s not easy to think of my uncles… that way.

Intelligence and independence won’t guarantee my safety. It’s not something that runs in the family or that I’m fated to follow my aunties’ examples.

I’m not so concerned about falling into a physically abusive relationship. My dad got upset with me when I wanted to call out Classmate, which I would've done because I’d rather have him come after me than harm Hatchet. I know, I can be recklessly protective of people. My thinking was that I have a group of guy friends who would be more protective of me, and they have a lot more muscle. They’ve been protecting me since junior high… or at least have been trying to.

It’s the emotionally abusive kind that I think could be… dangerous for me. It’s so sneaky. And with all the over-thinking I do, I could probably find a reasonable explanation for allowing myself to love the lies. Honestly, I’m not even sure that my last relationship was completely free from abuse. I don’t know.

Anyways, I don’t know how to end this. … Oh, I’m not sure how I got that huge bruise on my thigh. Every so often I wake up with a bruise on my legs somewhere, having no recollection of bumping into something. No one’s told me that I sleepwalk. *shrugs.

The end.

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