Thursday, August 12, 2010

Change, With a Side of True Hope

Change is scary. Change is unsettling, unfamiliar, uncomforting. Even good change can be so. One might think that by now, I’ve become friends with Change. I suppose I have, but Change still surprises me.

I have not changed location. I have not changed occupation. I have not changed certain habits.

Though lately, something has been changed in me and so far, it has been good. ALL GOOD.

I was hesitant to share anything, because it might have been just a high off of I-have-no-idea-what. I felt great one day- what if the feeling leaves in a minute as it often has? Well, this goodness has been sustained for about a week now. With. No. Break.

I feel… JOY. At least, that’s what I think it is. I’ve never been a whole, healthy, healed person and I don’t know that I am one right now. I don’t know that I will ever be a whole person on this earth. I probably wouldn’t recognize if I was. I think that I’m headed in the right direction though, a good step closer to being a whole person. And I’ll take it.

Something is changing physically as well. My stomach or tastebuds or I-don’t-know-what has decided to reject certain junk foods. I was eating something fast and unholy, something that I have become used to eating, when I just simply couldn’t eat it anymore. I don’t like throwing food away, but I had to throw half of it with the rubbish. I felt sick- not guilty, just sick. It wasn’t a conscious decision. The next day, I tried eating something else, and it was the same thing.

Don’t get me wrong, yesterday, I ate some chicken mcnuggets. So it’s not all junk food, yet. I’m eating less. I am glad that whatever this is, I am not relegated to eating vegetarian food. Nothing against vegetarians, but I would be depressed to not eat meat!

And I have gone to the gym three times in the last week. Going to the gym has been different as well. I’ve noticed that I walk in without fear of who I might see or who might see me. I mean, of having strangers look at me. I get on the elliptical and go. I didn’t have to drag myself to the gym. I was enjoying the workout! I felt great, like I never have before!

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I don’t know for sure, but I have to wonder if this is God. I wonder if this is some answer to a forgotten or a subconscious prayer. I don’t know yet. I don’t think I did anything right to deserve this goodness. I didn’t decide to be joyful. I didn’t choose this, so I know it’s not me. This isn’t my doing.

Isn't it the Holy Spirit who changes people? For goodness?

I even feel less afraid. It’s not that the crying and the depressions are over completely or that I’ll never feel… grrrrrr again. I just know that I’m okay. I know that I’m going to be okay.

I’m not going to ask that people believe that I’ve changed. I’m just going to be and do and hopefully they’ll see it one day. I’m still me, but a better me and I hope this lasts!
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And so, I had felt a strong need to tell Joker that I’m okay. I don’t know why. I didn’t know that he was concerned about me or anything; I didn’t know why I should tell him I’m okay. I don’t know that it meant anything to him. We have been… estranged, in a way, but it didn’t seem like that was the reason to say that I’m okay. I don’t know. It seemed like it couldn’t hurt, that it was a part of this joy that’s started to flow through me.

So, we hung out and had a talk and I think it was good. I am hopeful for our friendship. Things don’t ever go back to the way they used to be in any situation, but we can be better than we ever have been! I had missed my friend, so we’ll see how things go.
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The end.