Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Whose Desire Is It?

A couple entries ago, I talked about how I want to be a wife someday.

Someone told me that God wouldn’t put this desire to be married on my heart if He didn’t mean to fulfill it. Is that true or just a possibility? I guess I’m not sure that God gave me this desire or if I generated it on my own because I was once hopeful.

By default, I’m waiting for this desire to be fulfilled. I would be more proactive about this if I had any idea how. A part of me is actually dreaming that one day, God will put a man in my path who’s wearing a sign that says, “Jennifer’s Future Husband.”

First, that would be greatly helpful because I am that dense about guys having an interest in me so that is quite an unmistakable sign. To the point, that’s how I like it. Second, I don’t seem to do well with this dating thing, which is probably a symptom from the first point.

Anyways, I’m so off topic of why I really started writing these entries on waiting. I don’t really think about this as much as it sounds like here. Dating and marriage aren’t on my mind whenever I meet a guy. I think about it more when I’m alone in my wanderings.

So I’m very confused because I know what I want, don’t know how to go about it, all the while I’m becoming more sensitive to time passing [I’m getting old, basically], and more of my friends are coming into their serious relationships with engagements and celebrating anniversaries. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the fact that I’m single. I generally enjoy being single, but this is becoming less so. Though, I don’t want to become so crazed by this desire as I’ve watched a friend become years ago; he’s married now and happy. I don’t want this desire to dictate what I do or lead to making terrible mistakes.

And the thing that I try not to talk about which probably means I should, the time I was once hopeful some time ago.

I try to tell myself that the experience was probably necessary in that I learned some stuff. I learned that marriage is definitely what I want, causing the impatience within me; I didn’t really care as much before. I learned that I’m probably as ready for marriage as I could be at this time, or that I’m definitely more ready for it now than I was before the hope. I learned more about who I am and who I want to be and what kind of life I want. I also have some vague notion of what kind of life I would like to help create for him.

The most recent heartache was quite killer though. Looking back, it was like entering my perfect storm. I stepped right onto a landmine, and I’m still not sure that it wasn’t on purpose. I went into things as usual, just get to know the guy better. I didn’t know what was happening right when it happened. When I finally recognized the possibility, he was gone. It’s all gone. I’m left with what-ifs, what-ifs that cause some added anxiety to this question of marriage and my future.

So I don’t know where that leaves me at the moment. I’ve had some time since that last one.

I suppose, it’s all in God’s hands, as it always has been and will be.