Friday, July 9, 2010

That’s My Desire

I was asked recently how I know that ministry or leading isn’t just my desire.

Because it’s not my desire. I’m going after it because it’s God’s desire for me.

I once campaigned to be the eighth grade treasurer of my class. It was the only time I ever tried to be a leader but I still didn’t care about the results. I don’t remember who I lost to. Other than that, I’ve led where there was no leadership.

When did I ever say, “someday I’m going to start a ministry. Someday I’m going to be a leader.” Before God said something, I would have been fine just drawing all this up as theory and not have it come to anything real. I would have been content to stay in the adult choir where I’m more hidden and less uncomfortable.

What power is there in being a leader? Only what God allows, what He gives. Right?

Being a leader sucks, in my opinion. I think people put leaders on a pedestal not to admire them, but to see more of the leader’s imperfections. They put leaders up so that they feel like they have a right to take them down.

Leaders get all the blame and all the criticism. When they fall, they fall in front of more eyes and ears than most others.

I think good leaders aren’t ones with all the answers and the perfect plan. I think leaders give an idea of what’s possible, things we wouldn’t have thought of or have been willing to try before. Leaders are inspiring. I don’t know if I have that.

So what is my desire? Or, what would be my desire if God was not a factor?

“To spend one night with you
In our old rendezvous
And reminisce with you
That's my desire”

I would return to being a shadow in the background. I could go around, doing what I want, generally undetected. People would like me again, and mainly because they don't know me. I’d have more freedom to be myself. I would have nothing rest on my shoulders but to have fun. I wouldn’t be sifting through who’s my friend and who isn’t. People would think that I’m intelligent. I like being a mystery.

I would return to being my own leader; though it was rough, I didn’t have to answer to any other human or prove what I know or don’t know. I could continue my own trials and experience things however I wanted to. I would take theology and philosophy courses because I want to, for my own learning. I would keep my thoughts to myself or share them with like-minded friends.

I’ve only taken one adult Sunday class before any thoughts on ministry [beyond singing in the choir] started. I’d go back to that. I’ve never considered myself to be a young adult. If the church didn’t have Post High when I graduated high school, I probably would have just gone into an adult Sunday class.

I would return to possible pursuits of happiness with other people.

I would have more freedom to spend time with Skywise. I would go star-gazing, cruising, singing, laughing, and exploring.

I would have Pegasus visit again.

It wouldn’t matter what people said. It wouldn’t matter what I do or don’t do.

I’d rather have it easy.

That’s my desire.

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