A few days ago, the devotional talked about waiting on the Lord. I think about the many things I’m praying over and it’s tough because… I don’t know what others would say but I don’t think I’m a very patient person. When I know what I want or what I have to do… I need to MOVE!
Something that I know I want is to be a wife someday. I think I could become a good one. I want to make a home. I want to partner someone, to help see their dreams come through. I want to be someone good in another’s life and see him become more of who he was meant to become. I want him to be excited that I’m becoming who I was meant to become.
All of that though, and more that’s in my vision for my future, I don’t know how to pray for any of it and that makes it more difficult to wait. I’ve just trusted that God knows what I want without having me say it. I’ve said it before and the most I can do is to pray and work on becoming a godly woman, and one whom someone would want to marry.
I think I’m having trouble waiting on this because I have reservations, of course I do. I don’t easily share my feelings with others. You might say “who does?” I’ve seen others do it. I’ve tended to think they were reckless but a part of me also admires, to an extent, the risk they take in being so open.
Each new heart ache is worse than the one before it.
And it isn’t just the pains of romantic love that my heart considers. I wonder if it’s possible to have romantic love if one has trouble getting beyond past betrayals of friendship love.
I once thought I had a vision of romantic love that involved myself. At this moment, I am disappointed.
I am somewhat haunted that I may have forever ruined something that was once wonderful. Did I mistake it for some other thing? Did I just not recognize it, or recognized it too late? Did I not appreciate it as I should have? Do I expect disappointment?
The devotional brought to focus the bigger picture of David’s life. As a young boy, David was God’s chosen to be the next king, yet David had to wait on that promise, through years of torment by the current king who was full of jealousy. However, David received what God promised and he became a man after God’s heart. David’s willingness to wait eventually blessed many.
This entry brought to my mind the contrast of King Saul. King Saul couldn’t wait on Samuel, who he knew was coming. King Saul went ahead to offer the burnt offerings himself. When Samuel arrives, he rebukes Saul as having acted foolishly, adding, “You have not kept the command the Lord your God gave you if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time.” [I Samuel 13: 13]
King Saul couldn’t wait a few moments. David waited years. Sarah tried to get sons from her maidservant, then laughed at the promise of her own son. Hannah wept and prayed for years over a son.
Have I already been as hasty as King Saul? Am I willing to be less like King Saul and Sarah to become more like Hannah and David? As I’m getting older and [I’ll admit] the stereotypical window of getting married seems almost too small to fit through, how do I become more patient? And don’t mistake me for a female who’s been dreaming up her wedding since childhood. This has only been a serious desire of mine in the last few years, so I haven’t been waiting many years as David has.
Anyways, I’m gonna try to be more patient yet there is more I could say on this. I’ll write a separate entry, or maybe I’ve already written it, I don’t remember right away.
What are you waiting for?