Thursday, June 10, 2010

Near Hopeless

So I confessed a hurt recently. It had to do with receiving an invitation yet when I asked for a ride, the inviter found none for me. The second part is that soon after, the inviter made a gesture of offering an unconditional ride to someone less connected and lives just as far. I admit some of this offense I felt acutely because of certain previous grievances I’ve had with the inviter’s friends.

It’s not really the inviter I felt hurt by but the friends more so.

There was a question posed; was the second invite about a ministry thing? When I heard that question, I knew there was something off about it.

Now given some breathing room, here’s what I find off about it. What does it matter if the second part was to a ministry event or not? Definitely, we Christians should make every effort to get people to a ministry event so that they can meet God. That’s not the part that would upset me.

Taking both parts together, why would it be more important to get people to a ministry event than to give a friend a ride to hang out with the group? Ought people to care more for acquaintances than for friends?

Take the second part out: what conclusion could someone make other than that it wasn’t important to the inviter and the rest of the group to make an effort to pick a “friend” up for the friend outing? In light of this, should I be faulted for believing that they are not my friends?

Can someone help me understand this?

Now, it was wimpy for me not to say anything to the inviter and offenders about it. It’s a very tough position, feeling outnumbered one-to-a-group. There are more of them than there is of me. Yet that could have been an opportunity for me to trust God rather than distrust people. I'm a work-in-progress.

The two others in that particular group who I trust would have given me an unconditional ride if they knew, didn’t go that night.

So I don’t know what to do. I don’t usually think of myself as a sensitive person. I’m usually not so aware of my feelings. I’m not usually an openly emotional person. I’m very uncomfortable.

I still have no sense that they care that I was hurt by this.

Others who were not a part of the offenses [there are other examples of how I was hurt by these particular people] have and continue to be the ones that say they care. They not only say it, they’ve acted on it. The attitude I perceive from the offenders is that either I conform to how they are or tough luck. I'm not a fan of that.

They don’t have to care about me. They don’t have to care that their friends care about me.

So I think… at this moment… I’m still going to stay back from the group socially. It sucks that people will feel in-the-middle. I’m choosing to find a better place for me. Ministry-wise, I’ll do what God tells me. Social-wise, I can take a heart-crushing and pride-bashing now and then but I don’t hear God saying that I have to continue in this harmful situation with people who don’t care.

I can take myself out of this. I still feel a deep concern for the other outsiders. I think I’ve also felt this situation so personally because I’ve seen the group do the same thing to other outsiders. I can’t think of another group I’ve known who were so closed off. I feel a deep concern for the offenders, more so I guess because they profess Christ yet don’t seem willing to portray Christ.

So I will do this much: I will continue to pray for all and in that lies the remnant of my hope, my hope for them and my hope for myself, and I know that I need A LOT of hope. [Ezra 10: 1-4… a portion of this passage reads “But in spite of this, there is still hope for Israel”].

It’s tough. I feel poorly about those in the past I’ve been insensitive to or mistreated, intentionally or unintentionally. I guess I can get some comfort in the people who’ve sought me out to reconnect and hang out, people who’ve surprised me, people who I wasn’t very close to but then, who am I ever close to. I guess that’s one way of seeing that I did something right- all credit to my friend Holy Spirit and to my parents who raised me to look out for what’s right and to do it.

I can’t be all bad, right?