Friday, May 28, 2010

Not So Up Front

I don’t like sitting in the back of the bus. Usually I will prefer to stand if I can’t get a seat in the first few rows after the designated seats.

Today I sat in the back. I figured, there was a lady going there just ahead of me so maybe I’d feel okay about it. From the next stop, another lady got on and sat next to me. So far, so’kay.

Until further into Kalihi, the lady next to me got off. This… interesting-looking guy, I’d say maybe 50-ish if he wasn’t on something, sat next to me. He smelled like smoke and I didn’t want to inhale enough to find out if it wasn’t more than cigarettes. He started asking me questions and he was nice enough about it at least.

So I gave him my name, [Jay]. He asked if I just got out of school, and college? [Nod]. What am I studying? [Architecture]. Freshman, sophomore year? [My last year]. Chinese, Filipino? [Chinese]. Full? [Sure]. Get phone #? [Shake head, no]. See a movie sometime? [Shake head, no]. Alright, you take care, I get off next stop. You take care, okay? [You too].

We shook hands.

Okay, so some lies.

As a female, traveling alone, is it okay to protect myself with lies? I struggle with this quite a bit when this stuff happens.

Hey, at least this guy didn’t try to caress me; except that he was sitting next to me, he didn’t try any extra touching. Yes, I’ve had that happen, hence, trying to sit in front and next to another female.
Remember Generic that’s from my first-life college and kept trying to don the dirty conversation? A Friend has advised that I shouldn’t have to unfriend him on FB provided he doesn’t try to contact me in that way again and that I have a right to protect myself also, so I don’t have to [actually, said I shouldn’t] answer back his last message. What do you think?

OH how I want to believe the best in people! ‘Cuz then… I could believe the best in me also.

And, it sounds weird, but don't tell my parents about these strangers unless after something actually happens 'cuz they'll freak out either way so why not prolong it as much as I can? ...

Mahalo for reading.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Stuff Under The Nose

I was talking with a friend recently and here’s a thing I shared with her that is an example of the strangeness in my mind.

Have you watched “Silence of the Lambs?” It’s the first Hannibal Lecter story turned into film in which Anthony Hopkins as Lecter says that delicious line “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

Well, there is another scene in which a few agents go to the morgue to view a dead body. The body must have been in the stage of decomp that includes the nasty smell of rot. The living humans smear something under their noses that allows them to breathe without getting ill from the smell.

So I told Friend that I would go to a morgue to view a dead body just to see if that nose thing works.

And as Pudding would say after relaying a story of little point and humor, “The End.”

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Untitled [05.23.10]

Dear God,

I hate this. I knew nothing was going to be easy and I have been open to being uncomfortable. This, I hate.

It’s difficult to watch others get what they want while living life the way that they want to. It’s even more difficult to watch them get what I have wanted while doing what they want to do and what I would want to do if I had not come to love you. I’ve worked so hard for this and that which are at this moment for me, lost.

But that’s why you’ve said to keep my eyes on you. I know you love me. I am in awe of you and fearful of just how strong and deep and pure your love is for me and to think that your love is the same for each one of us. I know you long to bless me with what is good for me and so my journey is not the same as that of others.

You have ordered a path for me. You will sustain me through this because I have put my trust in you, I have vowed to follow you and do things your way, not perfectly but faithfully. Imperfectly, I will stumble yet you are the one who forgives me, picks me up, carries me, heals me, restores me to my feet to walk beside you again, faithfully.

Keep my eyes on you, so that you might empower me to do your will, to show the love in our relationship, your love for me and my love for you, to the world that they might come into fuller relationship with you. Keep showing me the way, teach me, guide me, walk with me, that others might become curious and learn more about you and to follow you and to love you to the fullest.

It is because I keep my eyes on you and daily choose to follow you that I am able to join in your work of reaching others.

I hate this, yet I will trust in you and love you. I have desires on my heart, Lord, and the only way to fulfil them is to allow you to fulfil your desires in me. I am impatient, Lord, and I will learn patience just as I have learned to trust you and to do things your way.

Not my will but yours be done.


Pride-ful Musings

I was watching Pride and Prejudice [with Keira Knightley] and had a thought. I think back to those times when a lady’s future depended on her marrying. She didn’t have much else to attend to, I mean that she didn’t have to work or improve her mind if she didn’t want to; all she had to do was marry well. And so Elizabeth Bennet was odd for her time to be proud and wanting something more than to marry well.

And how harsh are the times now on someone who would’ve been comfortable in Miss Bennet’s time?

This isn’t to say that I’d rather be unintelligent and lazy, or to be whiling my time away with chasing thoughts of marriage, but I sometimes wonder if I would have fared better in another period of time. I struggle with it sometimes as I love when I am and believe that God doesn’t make mistakes. Only I don’t know how well I should do in having to work a job I do not love.

I suppose it’s something I should struggle with, being someone so in love with ideals that it’s difficult to ground myself with reality. It’s odd, I wasn’t like this before, I truly wasn’t. I used to be very grounded in reality that I found it difficult to find any joy in it. I can’t seem to come to a balance these days.

I figure, one should have something in life to love, I mean God gives us the capacity to love and we should implement love. I would so much love to be a wife but only to one I would love. In not having much prospects of such at this time, I suppose I could settle for an occupation that I love, but I am so fascinated by so many things that I don’t know that I could concentrate on one profession. I want to try them all!

I’m not adverse to hard work. I would enjoy hard work very much if I could find a way to love what I was doing. I loved volunteering with Habitat for Humanity even with all the sore muscles and bruises. I loved doing the ministry work I was doing the last several months, even with all the frustrations and... -aches. I loved working in the WU Library with all the books, no matter how mundane some of the tasks were. I loved working for the customers of Forever21 despite all the drama of working with younger girls.

And I wonder if I would have felt freer to pursue whatever I would like in Miss Bennet’s time or a little bit after it.

But I also think I might have been bored for lack of interesting female company.

Anyways, when I’m watching P&P, I much very feel like I’m more Darcy than Elizabeth! I mean in the being-socially-awkward-and-come-off-stuck-up way.

So then, I guess there’s no real point to this entry but then, how often is there a point to what I write?

Mahalo for reading.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

This ISN’T New York!

In the opening of CSI: NY last night, Mac is chasing a suspect in the atrium of a building displaying a large amount of beautiful ironwork. Near the bottom, he fights the suspect and gets thrown over the railing to the lobby floor. The lobby walls and floor are covered in tile. Mac lands on one of the floor rectangles inlaid with what looks like blackened cement and blue glass tile.

I immediately thought, I should know this building! So I looked up architecture/ ironwork/ interior and was able to find it and correctly identify it by the photos on this site. Go ahead and visit the link to read more about the building.

Some of you may not have time to do that so I will say that it is the Bradbury building, not in New York, but in Los Angeles, California! Sadly, in the years I’ve been in CA and travelling in the vicinity of the Bradbury, I have never visited it. I shall see it in person one of these days!

There you go, I sort of remembered something from my Arch. History classes! : )

Mahalo for reading!

Who Wants To Talk Story?!!

Beware: run on sentences or whatever they’re called.

So someone requested a looooong time ago that I get a webcam, like years ago, and I didn’t see a need for it and was saving up for my ps camara and so I [not really] joked that Person should buy me one if Person wants me to have one so much but Person never did, said [jokingly, I hope] that I was a gold-digger and now that person’s not even talking to me anymore and I am soooooo SAD.

And Apple had also requested a webcam ever since she moved.

And then Bro got me a GC but I still kinda waited because I thought I might come across something I would need but so far haven’t. I started to look at webcams and whatnot, trying to figure out what to get and stuff. I take a long time because I’m never really sure that it’s a good purchase and what but by the time I get around to buying something it’s usually on sale which helps the process get a move on.

So it was on sale and I finally got a webcam!

And just so happens that the same day I get it, Criminal Minds is about a killer that uses cams. This is freaking out an already paranoid mind, but I had already decided that the cam is not to be connected when not in use. This is also because I attached a USB extension for the purpose of having easy access to the port and I’m not gonna set up another one just to webcam. Maybe i’m making too much of it. The cam also has a privacy shade over the lens so that should help ease my delicate security sensitivities.

Now I'm gonna hafta figure out how all this works...

Mahalo for reading! Who wants a chat with my face?

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Lessons in Christ-Living

This is gonna be a rather rambling thoughts entry.

I think one of [if not the] greatest things about life is to have the honor of being Christ to others. It’s a tough, heavy calling, but I mean, what is better?

It’s tough being a Christian in the area of reputation and imperfections. Christ IS perfect; I am not. I’m going to make mistakes and those mistakes will hurt my witness to others [Christians and non-Christians alike, I’m usually thinking of both], but it’s still important that I allow Christ to redeem me and that I carry on anyway, constantly striving to do better.

I think, it isn’t about being perfect and only doing good, nor is it that I do good at all or for the sake of goodness, but that the good I do is grounded in God’s love for people. I, know that God loves me; others need to know that He loves them.

If I do good but my relationship with God isn’t good or non-existent, I just don’t understand that. I mean, I did that but I don’t understand it. I used to do good and wasn’t taking care of my relationship with God. Now that for the past two years I’ve been taking care of my relationship with God first, I’m doing good and there’s a difference, a GOOD difference. I don’t know exactly how to explain the difference yet; I wish it worked that I could just tell people to try it and they would so that they’d find out for themselves that it’s true, but it doesn’t work that way apparently.

I think that most of the time, one can tell a Christian from a Christian whom is taking care of their relationship with God, whom is grounded in Him.

Anyways, I have all these thoughts in my head about things I’ve learned and things I’m seeing in the world and what the Christian life is. I’m writing these things out and trying to get these “lessons” to where they’ll be received in the most effective way. I have to remind myself that it’s not important if the audience receives it and runs with it or not but the importance is that I tell others about the lesson at all. And then it’s the work of the Holy Spirit that whomever that lesson was meant for will receive it and take it to heart. And that I pray over others.

And it would be nice if others had grace that I’m still growing and learning in Christ also and that I understand this. I’m not like Billy Graham who’s been a growing Christian for years and years and did something with his relationship with Christ. I’m in my early years of this, yet it’s still important that I start. And I wanna see others start too, though I have to rein in my zeal for this a little.

I’ve got ideas about modesty in clothing and speech, ideas for forming a regular activity that will exhibit “preaching and healing,” our attitudes about sin, what it means to have our “cup overflow,” etc. I need help with this so I’m thinking about who could help me. I’m trying to tie in God’s view with our attitudes; I don’t know if that’s the way to explain what I’m thinking but it should do for now. It’s sort of looking at this world through the lens of the Christian faith. It’s not an exacting science or an exacting faith, but it makes a difference.

It’s something like, here’s an example with the idea of miracles. Some would say they don’t believe in miracles or that miracles can’t happen anymore and they’re probably coming from the viewpoint that they don’t see miracles happening today. It seems like God hasn’t performed a grand miracle in centuries. However, the point is not that I don’t see miracles happening. The point is that I believe in Almighty God whom has performed miracles in the past and that He has the ability to do miracles today. That He hasn’t done a miracle [as we perceive a “miracle” to be] in a long time is His divine control. It’s for me to believe He will do a miracle if it’s in His plan to do so and to believe in miracles even if He doesn’t do so, even if I don’t see Him doing so.

I don’t know if that makes sense to other people. I don’t understand a Christian not believing in miracles because part of the Christian faith is to believe that Christ rose from the dead and isn’t that a miracle? And then no one’s risen from the dead lately and so miracles aren’t possible or that I shouldn’t believe in miracles? Do I believe in an almighty, sovereign God or not?

Friend had a question about the motives behind others’ giving money towards a project. I was thinking, well, so what if their motives were wrong? We don’t know for sure that their motives were wrong but so what? What should our response be? Should we not accept their help? Should we interrogate them to make sure they have the right motive? Should we tell them sorry, we’re not going to accept your money until you have the right motive? More than likely, it was God’s right motive that we have help with the project and worked his motive through others, no matter what the motives those other people have. We shouldn’t accept things like blood money, of course, but that wasn’t the case here.

We look too much to other people, what they’re doing, why they might be doing it, and not enough to our own hearts.

Anyways, I was thinking about the hikes I went on with a ministry and how the hikes could’ve made a better impact. We should have prayed before and after each hike, and the other activities we did. I’m big on prayer yet still have a thing about feeling like a dork ‘cause I trip over words whenever I pray out loud and I’m also trying to encourage others to pray more and you know, I just don’t know why we didn’t pray. Well, if I do it again…

Oh, and then I listen to podcasts and now I’m reading other blogs about the Christian faith and I’ve come across some pretty good ones lately. I like listening to Focus on the Family mostly because they have guests speakers and such so I get a range of other people’s stories and experiences and expertise. And one doesn’t have to agree with every single thing said but there’s some real gems in there and in the least would get one thinking and moving. There are some ideas that I've had to wrestle with. I also listen to Alistair Begg on Truth for Life, but I have to figure out why it’s not automatically updating that podcast; I just think from what I hear from him, he’s got the idea, you know?

Well, I wonder if I could put together some kind of class series of FotF podcasts or something and then a discussion period but it’s hard to have a class just listening to something, isn’t it? I don’t know. I think it could be worth it.

I’ve heard the salt and light passage taught and there’s a good one by Dr. Tony Evans. Rev. Herb Lusk talks about going the distance in “One More Round.” They have a speech by Zig Ziglar about “Staying Christian in a Pagan Culture.” And there’s practical and biblical advice about Christians and dating.

I don’t know. As always, thinking. What do you think?

Monday, May 10, 2010

Watch a Little Dance… Get Down Tonight

“Dancing With the Stars” on Monday nights! Tonight is Week Eight of the competition with 5 stars left: Niecy Nash, Nicole Scherzinger, Erin Andrews, Evan Lysacek, and Chad Ochocinco.

I’ve watched most of seasons 2-4. My favorite star so far [that I’ve seen] is Emmitt Smith of Season 3. The former Dallas Cowboy RB won that season with quick feet, a brilliant smile and a truly star personality. My favorite of the female professional dancers is Cheryl Burke; male pro-dancer is probably Derek Hough. I am almost sure to like the dances that they choreograph. Cheryl Burke is the one that helped Emmitt Smith win the mirrorball trophy.

Anyways, back to the current season. The only reason I’m saying anything about this season at all is for Evan Lysacek. Lysacek is the reigning Winter Olympic men’s figure skating gold medalist. I first noticed him while watching the 2006 WO champion’s gala, an exhibition put on after the skating competitions are done. He skated to Michael Buble’s rendition of “Sway.” I liked the performance and I liked the music.

So it was a thrill to be able to watch Lysacek win the gold in 2010. Thank you to Chemist and her DVR!

And now he’s on DWTS, and doing GREAT!

Okay, THIS Is the reason I’m writing: last week, Lysacek’s individual [partnered] dance performance was amazing! Not that I’m any expert judge on dancing but for me, it was a whole performance. The steps moved well with the music. From their heads to their fingertips to their toes, everything moved in sync and with attitude. He was in character the entire time. Everything was sharp yet smooth.

I don’t say this about many things and actually mean it but his Argentine Tango last week was sexy! He looked to be genuinely leading the dance and moving his partner [Anna] around. Oh I want to learn to dance!

It got a perfect 30 [3 tens] score from the judges! I wish I had recorded it.

So, if you have just a few spare minutes, check out Lysacek’s week 7 argentine tango on; there might be an upload of it to YouTube, I don’t know.

[Though I sometimes miss it and have to watch it on my computer which is not as clear a picture as Dad’s TV. I like that Dad watches what I watch and as always, that could be its own entry].

I can’t wait to watch what he does in Week 8, which airs tonight; catch it on ABC!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Were He Not Romeo Called

When I was much younger, I had a difficult time understanding why my cousin had a different last name than mine. I don’t think anyone explained it clearly to me; I had to figure it out for myself later. They said it was my family name and wasn’t Audrey family? Was she adopted?!

Anyways, when I get married, I will take my husband’s name. The only thing I understand people keeping their last name is because of career matters, like my friend whom has several academic papers published before she got married. Other than that, I don’t understand what the big deal is with changing names.

I am not my name. My name helps to identify me, so I know that you’re referring to me and not to someone else, but I am not my name. It also helps to identify my family, but I am not my family.

I don’t mind other labels too much either, as long as it’s not disrespectful. I’ve been called ‘popular’ but popularity doesn’t define me. I’ve been called ‘intelligent’ but obviously I’m not that concerned about portraying intelligence! A friend used to call me ‘tita’ and…um…well…

Changing my last name in marriage will mean something to me though. It will mean that I have chosen to be united with my husband. It will mean that I’m putting something greater before my own desire for recognition. It will mean that I am participating in a tradition that my parents have done, that my grandparents have done, etc. It will mean that my children come from one home.

I’m not knocking those who didn’t change their name. I just don’t understand those who say that to do so would mean losing their identity. I’m also not going to say that changing a name means the same to others that it would to me.

I may become Jennifer Hufenschtandemir someday, but I will still be [me].

Does It Smell As Sweet?

The longer I go without getting married and having kids, the more screwed up interesting my kids’ names will be when I finally do. That’s what I keep threatening anyway, which doesn’t make human sense because I’m threatening children I do not have yet for something that was not their fault. Does it matter? Is it not a parental right?

I have all this time, I should be able to come up with something that surpasses Moxie CrimeFighter Jillet! [Kree Goa’uld-Shol’va _____? No.]

I am not naming my kid "Apple." So if you're a guy and your dream is to have a daughter [or son] named "Apple," I am out of the question for you.

Anyways, I’m also thinking about it intial-wise ‘cause I’m coming across a lot of regular girl names that start with [V] that I would love to name my daughter, so I shouldn’t marry a guy with a last name starting with [D]. A Friends episode of Joey as the model on a poster for VD flashes in my mind.

I like most names in their natural state, unabbreviated. I like “Benjamin,” but I don’t like “Ben” or “Benny” or “Benji” – I like “Benjamin.”

During the Vancouver Olympics, I put up a status saying, “[Jennifer] thinks she might name her kid ‘Yevgeny’ if he wins gold again.”

I don’t know if I wanna give away the interesting names though, someone might be tempted to steal them. Besides, I wonder how my future married last name will affect the kid names I’m considering. It’s slowing down my creative process. Yes, I am thinking too much. So what?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A Rose Is a Rose Is a Rose

And I am a Jennifer.

Or am I?

When I was in elementary school [2nd life], I would wait with my friend for her grandma to pick her up afterschool. The grandma was a nice lady, always greeted me with a kind, “Hello, Stephanie!”

“Grandma, this is Jennifer, remember?” Each time my friend said a variation of this! Hahaha!

One time, grandma replied with, “Isn’t that what I said?”

What’s stranger is that I told my mom and she said that they had wanted to name me “Stephanie!” It didn’t happen because then my [first initial. last name] would have made me a possible target for ridicule.

It didn’t take me long to figure out other means of obtaining ridicule.

So Bro got the not-so-common name and I have a popular name. I think it’s weird because character-wise, Bro is the popular one and I’m the not-so-common one, lol. Bro has the Chinese middle name and mine is Japanese; looking back now Dad says that I should have had the Chinese middle name because Bro will automatically carry on a Chinese name already. I wonder what Popo would have named me?

The name Grandma gave me means “graceful, peaceful child.” Um, I’m so not, huh? I still love my name though. Apparently, my middle name is also rather common. In high school, I had two friends [in the same friend group, the same age] with the same middle name.

‘Jennifer’ means something like “white wave” or “fair/smooth one.” Hmmm… got the fair- meaning paleness- part correct!

I took 3 years of Spanish in high school. One class, we had FOUR Jennifers, but it was Spanish class so we had to choose Spanish names anyway. I couldn’t think of anything not already taken so [I think] La Profesora called me ‘Juana’ which is ‘Jean’ or ‘Jane’ in English.

[Image from here. I'm gonna change the image if I can find one of my rose photos. I try to use my own images so I know I have the rights to them! I still wanna look into digital watermarks.]

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Where Have Purity and Innocence Gone?

I admit that I do not have the cleanest of minds. I enjoy the art of double entendres and innuendos used smartly well. I am careful of it but confess that I have on occasion participated in such talk.

When we went to see the premier of “Twilight: New Moon,” many people were wearing the Burger King crown that featured the movie’s actors on it. XL made a comment that “Bella” looked almost like she was naked. Squeaker said that “Jacob” looked naked [because he is shirtless and the picture has him from the waist up]. XL said that everyone knows “Jacob” wears cutoffs. Not even having the image in my mind but in having a quick comeback, I said, “Not in my mind.” They laughed.

Honestly, I wasn’t picturing “Jacob” at all, but how is anyone else supposed to know that?

Well, I am changing.

I used to think that purity didn’t matter so much, at least with me and my peers. People have a difficult time letting that go or allowing for people to change. Dirty innuendo was easy to come by in studio that had a ratio of about 10 guys per female student and with some of the females… being of loose character. I thought I would be okay as long as it was just words, as long as I kept physically pure.

God constantly teaches and reminds me that words matter.

Someone [I’ll call him Generic*] on FB sent me a message that played on dirty thoughts. We had never gotten past being classmates and acquaintances; we were not friends. Given the atmosphere of studio, Generic probably thought I was okay with such talk. I unfriended him. It had been months, but he got around to friending me again so I added him. He’s the WU subject of this previous post.

I had added a quote from Anonymous that I thought was funny. In wanting to keep Anonymous, well, anonymous, I didn’t credit the quote to anyone. The quote itself is innocent but it mentions a bra. Also, my profile picture is of my TWLOHA writing in pen on my arm.

Generic sent me a message recently. He loves the “new tattoo” and wants to know what other ink I have and he asked a question about the bra. I answered that it’s not a tattoo but that I would like one but can’t make a decision about it, like what, where, etc. I said the picture was for TWLOHA and directed him to check out their site. I said that the bra thing wasn’t me. I asked how he was doing.

Generic replied with continued talk about me and a tattoo and that he still thinks the bra thing was me.

I am creeped out. I enjoy being a female and like being attractive, but I don’t really like guys making… those kinds of comments. I want to be around guys who protect my purity and innocence and expect the best of me.

I’ve tried putting conversation with Generic through the laundry cycle. I think Generic will continue trying to turn the conversation dirty and I don’t look forward to that.

Q1: Should I unfriend Generic again? Or do I continue trying to wash our conversations?

Chulo is an exception. We started out with a good friendship. He didn’t creep-talk me. One time, we were waiting for a class and Friend* said something about “morning wood.” They laughed; I didn’t. “You know what that is, right?” I had no idea. They carefully explained it to me and then never made such comments in front of me.

Chulo continued to protect me. After I came home to stay, we kept in contact through email, letters and phone calls. It was only then that he would tease me; remembering my innocence, he thinks it’s comical to imagine me as an exotic dancer. He doesn’t draw out that kind of talk and I know that if I said enough he would stop. He has always respected me.

Q2: Am I being hypocritical about being creeped out by Generic while letting Chulo joke with me? Is there no room for exceptions ever?

Q3: Should I delete the bra quote?

I miss the days when I was more naïve.

Anyways, God has reminded me to protect my purity and to protect the purity of others. God doesn’t delight in such impure talk, how can I? Please, also remind me of this.

*I’ve said that I use nicknames to protect and respect people’s privacy. Generic nicknames like [Generic] and [Friend] are for more privacy or for persons whom do not warrant a nickname because I probably won’t mention them again. [Generic] and [Friend] may apply to anyone; they are not limited to use for a single person.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

Nothing shuts my mouth like another’s. When I feel that my speaking is being wasted and that the other person is not hearing me, I shut down. That’s how I feel about the past year. I feel like I’ve been shouting within me because I wasn’t being heard on the outside.

In differences of opinion, I try to remain calm and hear the other person out but once someone raises their voice, I shut down. When I feel like I need to raise my voice to be heard in turn, I know I’m not being heard. That’s the reason I started to raise my voice in the first place.

I remember a few years ago, I was talking to MadScientist and he cut me off at the mere mention of FB. “I am not joining FB.” I wasn’t trying to convince him to join; all I was trying to do was to tell him about a funny conversation I had through FB. I just wanted to tell him a story. I didn’t tell MadScientist anything after that. [Several months later, he's on FB]

On the other side, Los endeared himself to me long ago. I remember hanging out with Los at the bench while everyone else had a class to go to. We just talked as people do. Weeks later, hanging out again, he mentioned something I had said the previous time. I don’t remember what it was now, but I know it was something specific that showed that he had been listening to me before.

I remember how that felt to be heard and so I’ve been working on being a better listener ever since. It would help if I had a better memory for what I hear, but that’s not going to stop me from listening. And I want the other person to know that I’ve heard them. When I was trying to tell someone that I would be silent and let them speak first, even that upset the other person and so that was probably the last conversation I tried to have with that person. Why is it so difficult?

On a Focus on the Family broadcast [Truth: Can We Both Be Right?] Ryan Dobson talks briefly about the difference between a conversation and a debate. To paraphrase, oftentimes we enter a conversation with someone and it turns into a debate; conversation gets shut down. When you’re going into a debate, load for bear and shoot often. When you’re having a conversation with someone, ask questions, ask them “why?” “Why do you believe that?” “Why do you feel that way?”

I remember talking to Redlance over IM. We finally met together in person over a meal. I made a little joke in reference to something he had told me on IM. He startled for a moment, then realized what I was referencing and he laughed. I think he was pleasantly surprised, as I had been with Los previously, that I had paid attention to what he had said. We had more conversations after that.

I want more conversations. I miss the conversations. I want to hear. I want to be heard.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

What’s In a Name, Too?

Bear with me, I've prepared all these name entries to come up. I'm fascinated with many things, including all the things behind names.

Jen or Jenn?

I don’t think I ever liked the look of ‘Jen’ for some reason. Maybe it’s because my surname is so short already, I don’t know.

I have had many classes with other Jennifers in it. This one Jennifer drew ‘Jenn’ on her folder and I thought it looked good, the drawing itself and the look of the double-enn’d short form. I had never seen it with two [n]s before. I’ve been writing ‘Jenn’ ever since.

To me, ‘Jenn’ is more aesthetically pleasing than ‘Jen.’ ‘Jenn’ is exactly half of my first name. ‘Jen’ is 3/8 of my first name. I suppose 3/8 is not as ‘neat’ a fraction as ½? Maybe? And it may or may not have something to do with me being a Libran. I don’t know.

Even when people say ‘Jen,’ I think I can hear the difference. I’m like that.

Mahalo for reading.