It’s right here. I think that’s the hugest temptation that the devil has for me; to push that button. I’m so sensitive to it, like a close friend. In the past, what followed Panic into my life was Anxiety and Depression. I don’t remember consciously making the decision to press the button. It always seemed like Panic would just show up.
It’s right here. I’m doing my best not to press it. I’m doing my best to keep God in my sights. This moment in life will pass. It’s difficult, but it will pass and God will continue to be.
The upcoming schedule for Dad is that tomorrow he’ll go in for a CAT-Scan. He’ll be admitted into the hospital on Wednesday. The surgery to remove a mass will be on Friday. Then he’ll stay in the hospital for at least a few days to monitor things.
Mom and Dad [and Bro] are going along like this is nothing, it’s just another day. For me, it’s a strange time. Maybe God didn’t have me take a break from ministry because of the ministry- maybe He wanted me to take a break so that I wouldn’t be overwhelmed with responsibilities and then this. That sounds lame to me and I don’t think it’s correct. It’s just that I would like to prove to be a woman of God no matter what is going on in my own life, continue being Christ to others because God is in control. I didn’t know this was coming as I considered and considered what I should do with the ministry.
It does give me concern that I don’t know what’s going to happen with Dad and to have this come at a time when I’m … wandering a bit. Receiving God’s first call was daunting for me and I think I did a horrible job of it. I doubt that I did what I was supposed to do. It’s been almost 2 ½ years of trusting God and obeying Him. I have always sensed God’s presence in my life, even when I didn’t want to. I was beginning to hear His voice so clearly, so true and real; I think it’s why I’m so close to Panic now because I don’t hear Him, or I’m not sure that it’s Him I’m hearing. Is this a test, Lord?
Whatever God will have for our family, I will take it. I will take it, but not alone. My friends are praying for Dad and I can’t express how great that is. God knows.
You are never alone in your trials and temptations either. God is everywhere, He is with you. And He’s given you people in your life to help you along. I’m becoming more and more convinced that God is manifest in good relationships and that as the devil hates what God loves, the devil tries what he can to destroy relationships.
This just came to me, about the lost sheep. In my mind lately has echoed the chorus “I left the 99 to find the one, and you’re the one” [Paul Alan’s To Bring You Back]. My thought is about what the shepherd did after finding the one lost sheep: he brought it back to the flock. I think there’s a responsibility of the flock in that to receive the lost sheep. It’s also a responsibility to the good shepherd to bring that sheep back to the flock. It seems simple and logical, but our natural attitudes are not that way, if we would be honest.
4"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? [Luke 15:4]
Sorry for the detour. This is a strange entry, but how many of my entries are …normal? I think I’m gonna take a little more time with the lost sheep thought and come back to it later if it comes to me.