Saturday, April 3, 2010

First Love

I’m excited/ nervous/ anxious/ jittery at the moment! Do you know what tomorrow [Sunday] is? It’s EASTER!!!

To understand what I’m talking about, I should tell you that I didn’t always look forward to Sundays and going to church. In dealing with depression, it’s difficult to wake up on any day, but Sundays were just… I just didn’t have any life on Sundays. I went very few times, if God woke me up on time that day. I would go and just feel disconnected.

In 2007, God slowly and gently worked on me. I didn’t really realize at the time what was going on but now I look back and see how God was moving me. By the end of the year, I said to Him, “Okay God, really show me something because I’m going to trust You and do things Your way.”

So the past two years and a half, God has really stepped up the work in me because I was finally allowing Him to do it. As I spent more time with Him and set my heart to obey, I found God waking me up in the mornings [I still battle depression, but there’s a marked difference in me now].

And Sundays became THE BEST! I was happy to wake up on Sundays and go to church, regardless of anyone else being there, regardless of any feelings of detachment, regardless of anything that would happen, because I was attached to God.

Communion Sundays have been the best and the most difficult though. I’m very near to tears thinking about how faithful and loving God has been to me. I think about my faults and struggles, and then realizing that Jesus died for all of that. I can’t rightly express how that moves me.

Then God tossed me a ministry, pretty brand new. It became a struggle. I wake up on most Sundays still with excitement and hope… but by the end of the day I would go to sleep crying- and not a good cry. I find myself constantly checking my heart; what am I doing this for? Did I wake up today out of obligation to people, or because I know I get to do something for God today?

[I am in utter awe and amazement that I get to do anything for God. I would like to disciple someone towards spiritual maturing and to know that I had a part in this only by the grace and power of God. This is my idea of God’s forgiveness and redemption, that He allows me to share in His work.]

Ahhh, but TOMORROW… bliss! Tomorrow I am going to the Easter Sunday service at a friends’ church. I’m going to spend time with people whom also seek to love and serve God. I’ll get to [musically] worship Him in full fellowship with others.

I know, I’m expecting a lot, but God can do it!

Mahalo for reading and have a blessed Easter remembrance of the power of God over death to raise His Son!

[Photos of me and the 4-yr-old on last year's Easter Sunday]