Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Just To Linger In Your Life

Because I occasionally need a reminder of what makes me smile most every time [in no particular order]:

*Listening to Scholar singing

*Listening to Fist singing [very different from the first yet quite entertaining in its own right]

*Seeing God at work!

*Reading Apple’s comments to this journal ‘cause I made her laugh!

*Messages from Blank [he called me his “rock!”]

*When someone innocently says something that sounds odd/weird/wrong, etc. [because you know I do it too! And then I’m not the only awkward person in the scene]

*Making people squeak [almost case in point from previous… point]

*Not just any cat but MY cats

*Wearing my yellow shirt and people complimenting it

*When the 4-yr-old says “Aunty! Aunty!” [But only if she’s smiling]

*The subjects of my photos

*Hugging. Loving. Bearing. ;)

*Being around Marshmallow [because something’s bound to be funny!]

* “My” 15-yr-old

*Looking up at the stars or out over the waves

*Walking with people

*Working with my hands

* mugged by sweaty polar bears [because I needed to bring that up again]

*Brilliant genius hilarity!

*When Scottish eyes are smiling
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And… yooouuuu…………….

“make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like a bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile!”

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Ever notice that the things that make you laugh/smile have to do with people? This list is not exhausted, I’m sure there is more. My “smileage” has been considerably low in the past year.

What makes YOU smile?

Mahalo for making me smile by commenting on this entry!
: )

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Best of Times from the Worst of Times

It’s funny how hindsight works. It’s also funny how much one doesn’t realize until something changes.

The recent hindsight instance for me came about through an exercise I did. In order to understand better, the ministry that my friends and I started has been through its bumps and shakes. For the past several months, whenever anyone would ask me how the ministry is going, I haven’t known what to say and so I just ask for their prayer [and I believe prayer is where the real work occurs]. I suppose I can understand why some in the ministry think the ministry is a lost cause.

I believe that they’re wrong about the ministry.

The exercise I did was [as current standing leader] to pretend that I had to write a report on the ministry today. I started listing all the events that took place, how many people came, all the praises to God I could think of for the ministry. I have at least a page worth of stuff! God has opened my eyes to the work He has done through the ministry. Amazing things started coming out of the list, stories of changes and growth I have witnessed among the members, not to mention the changes and growth that I’ve experienced.

I wish others could have seen it. I wish they understood.
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The change that happened was that I am taking a break from ministry. It was tough on me to have to tell people that I wasn’t going to be around. They’re going to be fine without me and I wish they could see that. I guess the thing is that we’re interdependent; they have encouraged me as much as I have supported them and built them up with what I could.

Together, we have built/ continue to build a true Christian community. It’s something I’ve been seeking and it was right there. I guess I had a hard time seeing it because of those that I wished would be a part of it but whom had refused it instead.

The realization is probably on both sides. For me, I know that certain persons had my back. I knew that I had built up relationships with people stronger than they were before when we were just friends. When I became leader, we became stronger friends. I think it’s because the Spirit first built me up to be a leader full of good intentions and with a will to action. The fruit [that I’ve been looking for in me and others] is in these strengthened relationships. I am amazed and humbled by this. I don’t understand how that came to be; I can only say PRAISE GOD.

On hearing that I was leaving, one cried, another one chatted me [unusual] and said that I’d better not stay away too long [because one wants me around], yet another whom is taking care of a responsibility for me while I’m away sent me a message to let one know if I need help with anything. People have prayed with and for me about this break. I have received guidance and so I have clear objectives to achieve while I’m on this retreat with God.

All of that was given me [by God] from people I already knew are my friends. I knew this would affect them, but to have them tell me personally means so much. Hearing someone say secondhand that so-and-so misses me or asked about me is not quite the same. These people told me directly that they hope and expect that I will return [as I will be intensely seeking God’s will again and mean to obey Him, I couldn’t promise a return, and I am also hoping that I will return].

On my end, as much as I could, I gave them last [for this time] encouragements and reassurances on their good work and to keep it up. God is in control; everything’s going to be okay.

She humbly says, "Mahalo for reading. God bless you."

Monday, March 29, 2010

Desperately Seeking Protector

I don’t know why but I remember liking the Madonna movie Desperately Seeking Susan. I was very young.

So I mentioned previously that I think my being predominantly a Protector impacts my dating choices. [And not that I’m desperate or that I’m actively seeking a mate either].

I think because I spend so much energy making sure others are safe that I would like to partner with someone who does the same and includes me in that circle of protection [because I like thinking that I am Nightfall but I know I’m not good at protecting myself]. I haven’t/don’t date much, but I think I am attracted to guys who would be able to protect me. Signs of protection really make an impression on me.

I think it also allows the Nurturer in me to come out more and I have liked the times that has happened.
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El primer espécimen: Dimples.

I had my license for about 8 months. I was driving us back from Sherwoods when it started pouring, hard! Visibility was the car 5 feet in front of me, if its lights were on; windshield wipers were not a factor. I hate driving.

I was getting nervous, my knuckles turning white on the wheel.

And then Dimples put his hand on mine in reassurance. I know, I know, awwwwww.

There were other things, like Dimples would make sure I would eat, he would walk just slightly behind me, always give me his jacket, etc.
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El segundo espécimen: Neo.

Neo called me up and asked if I’d stop by his house on my way home from work. I’m thinking he’s going to break up with me or something. I get there and he just wanted to ask if I would keep my swim-shorts on when we meet his friends at the beach the next day. He didn’t want his guy friends to be looking at me in the bikini [and this was years ago when I was in better shape!].

I know, you’re probably thinking that’s a sign of an abuser, but that was the only thing he asked of me in that area. Neo liked that I was attractive but didn’t want guys… lusting after me… I guess? That sounds so weird to me!

Neo always walked me to my car and waited till the engine turned on. He cooked for us, kept me motivated to work out, waited for me outside of public restrooms, etc. Neo loved showing off his muscles and scars and bruises! He loved telling me about how his martial arts class went that day.
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El tercer espécimen: Handsome

Handsome and I were technically not dating but we were good friends for a time. He was the one that wasn’t overtly macho; he was athletic but wasn’t about showing off his muscles and such. He at least looked like he could protect me.

What he did was to quit smoking, cold turkey. In my thinking, this shows that Handsome had a mind to prepare for the future, to become healthier and had a desire to be around for the long run [as much as it was in his control]. It showed a willingness to go through difficulties with an end goal in mind. So, he showed a protection over a future together [again, not that we were dating, but it was attractive about him].

Oh, and another time, we went to a basketball game together. All that night, he opened doors for me, walked close, went to get and paid for my refreshments, waited for me outside of the restroom. They were throwing those clapper things around and Handsome reached out to grab one that was coming my way. He drove me to my car afterwards.
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So I like good protective guys and now I’m thinking that I made these guys sound boring in some way- I think it’s more my writing that is boring! I also like guys that have a sense of humor, have a little wildness [as in fun, not danger] to them.

Like a funny moment with Handsome was that basketball night, he was driving a loaner while his car got fixed; the loaner was the same color and model of my car so when we first walked to “his” car, I took a moment. I’m still not sure if it was coincidence or if he was having a joke on me but I didn’t care.

I don’t know how much of this proves anything about my seeming preference to partner with another Protector, but maybe. What do you think?

Mahalo for reading.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Strong Enough

I used to think of myself as a strong person. At least, people kept telling me I was. I’m not so sure anymore. I feel like I’ve been beaten down and kicked to the side. Whether or not it was intentional by humans… does it matter? Whether or not it was God allowing me to be beaten down or breaking me Himself, God will have the glory. It’s difficult, not knowing the purpose for one’s brokenness.

I don’t know what I am right now. It’s awful quiet even in my own mind at the moment.

So I leave you with a beautiful song from which I find comfort. I sang through it a few nights ago to try to calm my heart down. It reminds me that when I am weak, God is my strength, and my life is in His hands.

Is there a song in which you’ve found comfort?

Mahalo for reading and enjoy.



Strong Enough by Stacie Orrico
from her self-titled album


As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

[Chorus] Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please, can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again?
If I’m healed, renewed, and find forgiveness find the strength I’ve never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God’s plan?

[Chorus]

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It’s there I’ve finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh, thank You for my chance to start again

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Understanding

What is it that you want to understand?

Why is it so difficult for you to let some things be?

Is it possible that you’re trying so hard to find the reason that you cannot love me?

Why do you need to understand? What will understanding get you?

Have you thought of changing your method of searching out understanding?

Have you been asking questions? Have you been asking the right person? Have you been asking the right questions?

Are you seeking true understanding or justification for your assumptions?

Which is more important: showing your love or proving your understanding?

Friday, March 26, 2010

Making A Mountain Out of A Toenail

I am in PAIN!!!!!!!!

:(
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Back in 2006, I went on a trip to Kaho‘olawe. Part of the trip was to hike up to the highest point of the island, Pu‘u Moauluiki. AWESOME TRIP. On the way back down, I slid pretty hard in my shoes. Both big toenails got completely bruised underneath.

When I got home, the liftoff began. Both toenails CAME OFF. It was slow, I’m sure it was painful. They grew back. It was slow, it’s been painful to wear shoes ever since because they didn’t grow back quite the same. I have to make sure my toenails are trimmed as much as they can be, which I tend to forget.
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As I said in the Olomana entry a couple back, I’m fairly certain I have killed the big toenail on the left. I CANNOT walk tonight. It’s throbbing, it feels like it’s cutting, it is tiring me out! I cannot walk; I think I’m gonna cry each time that I do right now. *sniffle* I don't remember it being this painful.

If it comes off, I'll show you guys a photo of it 'cuz I'm weirdly fascinated by the things the human body goes through. I mean, I showed you my sexy scabby knees; why not a runaway toenail? You wanna see it, don't you?!!

I was gonna write a funny entry, like I tried in Right Knee Jealousy. I can’t. this just is not funny. All I’ll say in that vein is that “Left Ankle is VERY annoyed. She is considering walking away from her job. It sucks at the moment.”

Mahalo for reading.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Men Will Be Men

I just found a note about something I wanted to write about.

When the Wheaton group was here, I came after lunch to find them at the ROMEO luncheon. I can’t remember what ROMEO stands for, but it is the fellowship at church for retired men.

I was standing in the back when Mr. Harold stood up to throw something away. He tossed it basketball-style to the trash bag as Tomu held it open. The rubbish-ball went in.

In celebration, Tomu gave Mr. Harold a fist-pump of brotherly affirmation.

I thought it was great. I would have taken a picture of it if I could have.
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I feel like I would ruin the memory to say anything more about this. I’m sorry that I can’t elaborate.

Mahalo for reading!

Ohhhhhhh-lomana!

Prompted by Adam expressing his friends’ desire to go hiking, we made our way over to the Olomana trail. There were 8 of us altogether: Adam, Matt I., Jace, Justin, Tanabe, Kellie, Cody, and me. We parked before the bridge and started walking along the paved road to begin with. When we reached the guard shack, the guard on duty kindly gave us some pointers. We kept walking along the road.

And…thanks to a lone passing car, Kellie spotted the trail sign; we were having so much fun just talking that we were about to pass it!

The first part is through some forest; thank God that it wasn’t wet ‘cause it could have been very slippery! Just a little ways in is an abandoned something military-looking-ish with graffiti on it- Adam requested the photo of it and that’s all I’m gonna say.

The warm up trail went slowly up and up. We passed a grove of ironwood trees. Then the incline gradually pick up. I, being old and short [yup, I’m falling back on that again!], had to let the group continue on while I took old lady steps [eerily similar to baby steps] following them.

I met quite a few people/groups both on their way up and on their way down. I got passed by a much older couple who were barely winded at all! A couple and a pair of guys made notice of my Purdue shirt on their way down. I took pictures for Kaylee and friend, both in pink, two UH students originally from Ohio.

So I took my time and quietly went along. To be honest, it was a good time spent just being with God and not thinking about junk for a change. The roped areas were definitely good for this!- past hikers set up ropes on the tricky parts to help climbers up. I made pretty good use of them mostly on the way down. Along the way I kept thinking up spiritual lessons from the hike.

I got past 3 or 4 roped areas. I came upon a crazy monster of a climb and…stopped! Though I was close to the top of peak 1 [there are three at Olomana], I think this was the wise choice for me this time. I listened to my iPod, took a lot of photos, took my shoes off and rested until the group was coming back down.

The only thing to report on the way down was that I think I killed my left big toenail. :_( I had already stubbed it going up one of the climbing parts, but going down I took a forceful step causing my foot to slide, ramming my toe against the shoe. Good thing I was just to the flatter area. Then I had to take my shoes off because the pain in my toe was about to make me cry- I figured I’m gonna cry either way, I might as well be more comfortable.

And I made it back safely. We all did!
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It was a good hike though. I really enjoy climbing like that, even though it got a little scary. For a moment on one section, I thought I was going to be stuck there!

We picked up food and met up with a few more of Adam’s friends in Manoa. They’re pretty cool and so funny! It’s amazing to say that Adam is apparently one of the more “normal” persons in the group! Lol Maybe…I’ll hafta do more firsthand observations on that one. I’m kinda sad that I couldn’t quite keep up on the hike to spend more time with them.

Mahalo to Adam for organizing the hike! Mahalo to the drivers! Mahalo to his friends that came!

See you at our next event?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

40x40

[I have a crush on this Olympian! :) ----->]

Inspired by good friend Très Smart, here’s my list of 40 things to do before I’m 40. And being the procrastinator I am, I’ll probably be trying to cram at least 37 of them the night before I turn 40!

1. Snowboard snowboard snowboard!!!!!

2. Write a book or get paid for 20 pages of work.

3. Get married.

[My "daughter!" See the resemblance?]

4. Have kids.

5. Lose 25 pounds so well that I will never find them again!

6. Sing well in front of a crowd of at least 10. Right now I’m thinking “Breathing Underwater” by Marie Digby or “Escapemonos” by Mr. & Mrs. J.Lo [but then I’d need to find a Mr. J.Lo to sing with me!] Any suggestions?

7. Sell 10 photos.

[When I was around my goal weight :) ]

8. Sell 50 pieces of jewelry.

9. Learn to dance.

10. Write three songs.

11. Backpack through Europe!

12. Renovate a house.

[With East Bay Habitat for Humanity]

13. Volunteer 50 hours with Habitat for Humanity.

14. Design and make 3 dresses.

15. Learn to hit a baseball.

16. Go on a mission trip to Uganda or South America.

17. Learn Russian.

18. Better my Spanish skills.

19. Read 10 books from my shelves that I haven’t read before.

20. Organize my favorite photos into an album.

21. Go stargazing on another continent.

22. Go to a SuperBowl!

[The 2010 Olympic Women's figure skating gold medalist- I want to see stuff like this in person!]

23. Go to the Olympics! [as a spectator of course!]

24. Better my clarinet skills [and/or cymbal skills, lol; drum skills if I wanna be REAL ambitious!]

25. Write and give 3 testimonial speeches about God.

26. Rock climbing!

27. Learn to surf.

[A favorite photo; the rest are favorites also]

28. Go canoeing.

29. Finish writing the 40x40 list.



30.
31.
32.
33.

34.
35.
36.
37.
38.
39.
40.


I’ve been told that I’m ambitious. What do you think?

What would your 30x30 or 40x40 list contain?

Monday, March 22, 2010

PATER-nal Instincts

Friend and I were discussing MBTI. I’m not gonna give away this Friend’s identity so I’ll type about myself. Supposedly I am an INTP. All tests, even taken a year apart, point to INTP. I question it and yet questioning it is apparently the nature of an INTP.

Friend talked about the nurturing nature generally associated with the feminine, the maternal instincts. It was related to the MBTI, I’m sure it must’ve been because all of our conversational detours make sense….

I started thinking that I must have more paternal-like protector instincts. My mind screams out, “You mess with one of mine, I’m gonna mess with you and yours.” And then, “After you cry, maybe I’ll give you a hug reassuring you that you’re still a good person.”
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Here are my examples:

#1: Neo scraped his knee playing soccer. The most maternal I got was to buy non-stick gauze pads and that tape that wouldn’t pull out his leg hairs. Then I just handed it to him. I don’t remember patching up his boo-boo for him; I’m thinking that I gave him the stuff and he had to patch it for himself. Being a Mama’s Boy to a nurse, he probably expected me to patch him up, in which case I probably did but I really don’t remember doing that.

Oh, and I did his laundry once. Only because I wasn’t going to drop it off at Mama’s house for her to do it like Neo asked me to. It felt wrong and Mama had all boys, you know what I’m saying.

#2: Snow Princess was talking with someone at their desk. A few of the guys were around. Web decides to use the stick in his hand to play with the bottom of Snow Princess’s skirt.

As soon as I saw that, I grabbed the stick from Web and gave him a talking to. Web is from Africa, about 6’3” muscled. I didn’t care, he was gonna learn something.

#3: I got a flat tire and moved to the side of the freeway. I began working on the tire. When this Neon full of guys stopped to help us, I told the Don [female] to stay in the car with the phone and call my dad if something happened. She got out of the car- it annoyed me! Thank God, nothing happened.

#4: When I drop people off, I wait until they get inside before driving off. I will walk people to their cars and make sure the car starts and then walk myself to my car. When I lived in Marin, I thought nothing of taking public transportation and then walking into Oakland and then back again at night 3 days a week by myself. I walk in the back of the group to make sure the group is all together. I like to wait until everyone else has gotten their food before I make a plate for myself.
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I do have maternal-nurturing instincts, they’re just latent. Past examples elude my typing at the moment, but I do have a strong sense that I would like to be a wife and mother. I want to be a housewife, even if I have an outside job- it makes sense to me. I want to make a house a home, nurture the kids, cook most of the meals, etc.

I don’t know if the stronger protector instincts are due to my nature or how I was nurtured. Dad is very much the protector with some nurturer. Mom …isn’t much of either, unless I’m sick and then she might nurture me.

Also, I think this relates to my dating choices. Hmmm… message me if you wanna know more about this one; I don’t know yet if I wanna release this info or not.

Are you a Nurturer or a Protector? What are you on the MBTI?

Mahalo for reading!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Image It! ABK/BAM Week

Photos from the A Better Kalihi/ Wheaton BreakAway Ministry Week 2010 [Click on image for larger view]: