Saturday, February 20, 2010

What Does It Matter?

This is the question I’ve been asking for many things lately. What difference does it make if I _____? Is this worth all the pain I’m experiencing? Nothing seems to be changing. I don't seem to be changing.

I’m watching others have the fun, others getting what they want, others seeming to have it easy. It’s difficult keeping my focus on what’s most important which is to be obedient to God, keep my focus on Him. Right now it doesn’t seem to make a difference. It’s like I’m just waiting around for God to help me recognize that I’m wrong.

I know I’m not alone in what I’m doing, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m on my own. Here I am, just feeling… DOWN… and I can’t think of anyone I can call or talk to. Who’s going to care? Who can tell me what I NEED to hear?

Maybe I care too much. I had believed that it was ridiculous. How does one care too much for another? Maybe I do. I’m not sure I know how to be any other way.

I feel like I worked hard and had to practice a lot of patience to find something I needed. I thought I had found it. Now it’s gone and I feel like it was a waste of time and effort.

So much is being expected of me. I guess I thought I’d be okay because I wouldn’t be going through this alone, that God brought others to lift me up in times like these, but where are they?

Why am I the one expected to understand?
Why am I the one expected to be the “bigger person?”
Why am I the one people think they can target and it’s alright?
Why am I the one expected to change?
Why am I the one expected to let go?
Why am I the one that’s expendable?

Why am I having such a difficult time with this?!!

I believe that God is all-powerful!
I believe that God is all-loving!
I believe that God is all I need!

And yet I’m asking what does it matter? This is the first time that I’m seriously questioning my faith. This is causing some guilt in me, like I can’t tell anyone this because they’re not going to understand. They’ll say that I shouldn’t be a leader. I’m just trying to figure some stuff out.

I have to believe that what I’m doing will matter at some point. I have to believe this is worth it even if all I reach is one person. I have to believe that God will redeem all this pain one day. I have to believe in others, to hope that the goodness God has built in them will manifest and pour out one day.

I know God makes a difference in my life.

But does it matter?

Why spur others on towards love and good deeds [Hebrews 10:24] when…….? What does it matter if that’s not what they want? What does it matter if they don’t care?

Things don’t seem to be matching up, like I’m contradictory. What is it that I’m missing? What am I not understanding?