Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Untitled [01.05.10]

I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. It’s not a good sign. When I sleep I and others are safe. When I dream I think less. I can be with people.

The truth is that I know why the holidays can be a scary time for some. For me, life is a scary time.

The fight in me hasn’t produced anything good in quite some time.

Times like these add another layer to why I don’t like to drive, especially by myself. I am much better when someone is in the car with me. But then I live rather away from friends and I tend to go places and do things on my own.

In Aviator, Howard Hughes tells Katherine Hepburn: “Sometimes I truly fear that I’m losing my mind. And if I did, it would be like flying blind. You understand?” She replies, “You taught me to fly, Howard. I’ll take the wheel.”

In a way, that’s what I’m looking for in a relationship; someone who can take the wheel, just until I am better. I love my parents very much and they do a good job of this in their way. After the first time Apple witnessed/ experienced this in me, she’s been wonderful about it; even now she’s doing the best she can from thousands of miles away.

At the same time, I keep people at a distance, especially in a romantic sense. I press the self-destruct button early. To have someone think they love me and then have them feel obligated to go through these times with me? It would be like hijacking their life. Who would volunteer for this? How could I ask someone to?

Yet I would do this and more for them. I understand what it's like. It allows me to be strong for others in their time of need.

Anyways, I guess this contributes to why I am sensitive to negative energies, to why I can be overprotective of others. One can never know who they are talking to. One never knows if someone is already at the edge. At the same time, one shouldn’t be oversensitive and enable someone to dwell close to the edge.

I’m sorry if this has been confusing. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know how to describe what is in my mind. At this point I’m just babbling, but I guess it’s better than being silent.

I know that some of my… thing has been spiritual attack, especially lately. There must still be some fight in me because I am getting better at reaching out when I need to. Perhaps I am still hearing God. Yesterday, I asked good friends to pray for me so that I may continue to do God’s work. I got back a couple replies and I am so grateful. It is encouraging and uplifting and I could use a lot of that right now. It’s not about me; it’s about God’s community and refusing to let it be divided, about not allowing one of God’s people to feel isolated.

Thank you to all prayer warriors out there. I proudly fight beside you for His glory! And if you've prayed specifically for me recently, I'm here to say that God does answer prayers, thank you.

Oh, I just had this thought about how I tend to say often that sensitive people and I don’t do well together. I am mindful most times of being tactful, but I also tend to be straightforward and blunt. I can be coldhearted as friends have told me. I try not to be. This thought though is that sensitive people tend to “protect” themselves by bringing others down in order for them to feel [falsely] good about themselves. That kind of feeding off of someone else really bothers me.

I don’t know if any of this entire entry made any sense. I could go on but I think I shall stop here.