Monday, January 4, 2010

Untitled [01.04.10]

I’d like to be more regular in posting here. This is more honest, this is how life is for me. I am down more times than up. I don’t think of myself as a generally happy-go-lucky kind of person. At the same time, I like to think that I am more optimistic than not. I know how it all ends; God wins. I am enlisted in his army. How can I not hope?

Which means that struggle is inevitable for me.

In relation to what I said in the previous post, winning or losing is not important to me. I would concede and have done so in past situations but things are much more complicated than they have ever been. No matter what, there will be casualties.

I wonder if things would be better for others if I concede now or later. I wonder if things would be better for others if I made it certain and clear that I have conceded. I don’t want people in the middle. I want unity; I am not the one looking to divide but division is happening anyway.

I don’t know what to do.

I need you to know that I did my best. It is clear that I am not part of the group and you need to be okay with that. Nothing good is coming out of trying to force it. People want to see me fail and that is okay with me; I will be fine on my own with God. I will find other things to do.

I do not mean to hurt you. I regret that we can no longer be honest and open as we used to be. Maybe we were never that honest and open as we seemed to be. Everything seemed to be much easier back when, didn’t they? Where did that go?

I do miss you. I know you care and I know we are friends so it bothers me that you think you need to keep assuring me of our friendship. I recognize that others need you more than I do right now and I give you leave to do so. Also know that I will always be here for you.

I respectfully decline all invitations at this time.

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