Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Untitled [01.26.10]

Seeing that any post is “untitled” must make you want to click out by now. I wouldn’t blame you.

I don’t know where I am today. Today it is too easy for me to remember sadness and hurt. Tomorrow is going to be worse. Anniversaries and remembrances are that way, the ones we’d like to forget. Tomorrow is the actual anniversary of something to be, possibly, mourned, if that is the proper word.

Then to turn on iTunes today and have the attached be the first song played doesn’t help.

Bible study is tonight. I could cry at any moment, but now being a sort of “spiritual leader,” I ought to go anyway. It doesn’t really matter to the others if I am not there I guess. It’s just that I have set it in my heart to be a better leader, and yet even the best leaders cry. And there’s a kind of disconnect with me and the others. I need support right now and I’m not going to get it at BS, which also saddens me.

I’m gonna go have a cry now. Maybe I can dry up by the time anyone arrives at BS.

Oh, and if I happen to post anything tomorrow, you might not want to read that one either. I could use a distraction to get through it but I don't know what to do.

My Immortal

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
And though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along

Monday, January 25, 2010

The Nerd Files

In continuation of what a geek I am…

I got into my friend’s car and she asked if I would like to take her Biology test. I said, “Sure!” with wide excited eyes and proceeded to take the test. She’s a teacher.

She had also tested out her PowerPoint lesson on genetics out on me.

So as I took the test, I was getting them right and she said that it’s because I paid attention to the lesson.

I talked about how I would take tests in high school. People thought I was a 4.0 student, brilliant, because I would finish tests quickly. Well, people also forgot that I don’t do homework, which kinda ruins the gpa.

Then my teacher friend said something about those who finish tests quickly are either the bright students or the very not-so-much students, in her experience.

I looked at her patiently but not fishing.

She continued with saying that I was probably one of the bright students, seeing as how I would pull out As and Bs on tests. :)

Then I talked about how I enjoyed taking tests. I just had the thought that I get a little jolt from it close to how I imagine a gambler does from gambling. It’s like I’m betting that I will pass the test but will I? Will I get an A or an A- or possibly a B? How high of a grade can I get from not doing homework and minimal studying? How much do I really know about this subject? When I’m done with the test, I’m rather calm. Until I get the grade back and I’m thinking, if I didn’t score 100%, I bet I could get 100% if I took it again.

I wonder what that says about me… Maybe it’s best not to ask.

On the other hand, homework was just boring to me. It's like trying to get brownie points or performing a trick to get a treat.

What do you think?

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I Love You More Than a Nerd Loves Math Class

I saw that on a shirt somewhere. I want that shirt.

Seriously. I would wear it whenever I could. More exactly, it should say, “I love you more than I love math class!”

Because I am a nerd.

There's another shirt that says, "I only date nerds." I want that shirt also, but that's a slightly different subject.

Case in point, I was just telling someone about this thing I do. Confession time, I still have most of my text books from college. From where I am sitting right now, I can see Precalculus, Introductory Chemistry (plus the lab companion book), Sociology, Understanding Movies, and Civilizations. On the other side, I have books like Physics, Astronomy, and Mathematics, which is a collection of essays written about those subjects.

From time to time, I READ these books! I will take the chem book down and try to go through a chapter, then do the exercises. I do that with the precalc book also. I will read an essay about the formation of water molecules from that P.A.M. book.

And that is FUN for me!

I especially enjoy geometry, trigonometry, and chemistry.


It’s not that I am particularly great in any subject, but I really enjoy the exercises.

I also enjoy reading the classics.

I watch YouTube videos by "PeriodicVideos."

Do I need help?

What subjects do you get into? Do you have any strange habits like randomly picking up a trig book to do proofs ‘cuz you felt like it?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Throw It! Just Let Go

A few weeks ago for small group, TX led us through a devotional and an exercise on surrendering to God. It was a cool experience to go through with trusted companions.

We took small group out to a rather secluded beach park. It turned out to be perfect for the activity.

After the Bible passage and reading, we reflected on areas or situations in our lives we needed to surrender to God. We picked out rocks to write a word or two representing the things we were surrendering, followed by a time of sharing.

I cannot reveal what others surrendered but I will say a few words, very few, of mine.

-Ministry hopes and frustrations, along with a changed friendship
-Success and failure
-Lost love

We prayed over these things. Then we stood up and threw the rocks into the water one by one, as far as we could. The final point is that we can’t go in the water and pick it back up again; it’s gone, given to God.

It doesn’t mean that situations won’t come up again, but this was a good marker activity to remind us that it’s with God. God has constantly put me in moments of letting go and I forget sometimes. So there it is, less for me, more for God!

Is there something you need to surrender to God?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Take A Hike!

This past Saturday, Level Up Ministry set out to hike Wa‘ahila Ridge.

My goal, towards the ministry, for the hike was for group bonding, physical exercise, and to invite friends, building relationships with them. My personal goal was to make it farther than I did last time I tried the hike with friends.

There was much group bonding and definite physical exercise by all! They had invited other non-LU friends but many of them were already going on hikes elsewhere. Out of about a dozen of my own non-LU friends… none showed up. One almost made it but wasn’t sure about how to get to the hike and messaged me late; I was disappointed but am very optimistic that he’ll come to another outing!

And…we went farther than we did the last time!

After rounding everyone up, Sonnie, Krystle, Adam, Matthew and I set out. It was a beautiful sunshined day. The trail was good and dry. It starts out with a long and steep incline- wet or dry, it’s a monster for me! Most of the way from there is either uphill or downhill, not a lot of smooth-going. There are also narrow spots.

A few areas, Krystle and I [being the short ones] were quite literally rock-climbing. I actually enjoy those parts! So it was a full-body workout. Krystle and I took many short rests, mainly after each incline.

Adam led most of the way. We kept going until an open grassy top where we all rested. The many moments of views for photo-ops were beautiful. Then we headed back.

We started out about 12:30, reached the open top about 2:30 and got back to the car about 3:30.

Beautiful day with great conditions, good views and good company. Everyone went and returned safely. They were all talking about it to other people the next day at church, saying that they had a good time. Except for not having any new people with us, I say it was a complete success!

Thank God for the whole wonderful activity!

I look forward to seeing you at the next one! :)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Heart for Hearts

Three stories.

The first one is about my dad. When I was about 10, my friends all signed a card to me with well-wishes for my dad’s health. It all happened quickly for me so I didn’t know enough to be scared but Dad was in the hospital.

Dad says that he went in for a regular check up at the doctor’s. The doctor heard something in Dad’s heart and sent him to a specialist. Next thing is that Dad needs surgery on his heart to replace a valve. [As an aside, my dad will always say that he liked Pastor Boaz because Pastor came to see him in the hospital, even though my dad didn’t come to church with us].

Today, Dad’s heart clicks and it is a good sign that the valve is working.
Years later at the university, I’m sitting in Spanish class which tends to have a few athletes also enrolled. This class includes a young freshman on the swim team. He’s looks healthy, pays attention in class, participates, has a friendly smile.

Later on in the semester, teammates found him at the bottom of the university pool. I heard it said that he died from a heart condition. It may have been some other health complication, reports say he did not take drugs and tested clean. So I remember undiagnosed heart condition.
Just last month, friends and I traveled to North Shore to watch the Billabong Pipeline Masters. It was a beautiful day. Over the speakers, every so often an announcement came for a car wash at a nearby church. The funds raised by the car wash was going to Friends of Kehau Sullivan. Kehau is the daughter of a surfer, Pancho Sullivan. The friend that drove didn’t need a car wash so we passed the wash and went home.

A couple days later, I’m listening to a podcast. The host, whom lives and works in CO, was in HI over the holidays. He stayed somewhere at the North Shore. One of the families he met on this trip was the Sullivans. So now I’m hearing for the second time about little Kehau. In the middle of the podcast, I felt God telling me to help.
I think about the heart often. It’s difficult not to when I hear Dad click or when I’m stressed out and in pain. At times I worry that I am actually feeling my heart hardening and I pray to God to keep it soft.

Today, my heart feels strong and I thank God.

Please donate blood at a blood drive if you are able.

Kehau’s heart is strong, but needs some help for the long run, much like my dad needed help in his condition. She was born with a heart defect known as Tetralogy of Fallot. Click here to check out more of Kehau’s story. Check out the “Donate” tab and/or say a prayer for Kehau. Please give what you are able.


Monday, January 11, 2010

An Expanding Presence

Not about my size, but it could be! Nevermind…

I was at the beach with friends. I think we were talking about superpowers and I mentioned that I’d like to be fluent in all languages or something, then Chemist turned her head and blurted out, “Squirrel!” ala the dog in the movie “Up” [because the dog wore a box that translated his thoughts into words or something]. We all laughed, then I said that I didn’t see the movie but I know about that scene.

Chemist and Mouse began to protest, saying I was with them when they saw it. I haven’t seen the movie. Ginger said she hasn’t seen it either.

Mouse said that I went with them when the WAMM [or was it Summer Fun?] group went. That was when Chemist saw it. I remember being invited but for some reason I couldn’t go. Even Chemist is still insisting I saw it with them.

Then Mouse said wait, she didn’t see it with WAMM either! Yet still saying that I was with her when she saw it.

And Ginger says, “Wait, I went with WAMM!”

No, I have not seen the movie up to this time, of this I am sure. Though it’s a good sign that my friends forge my presence!


20/10 Vision

Maybe the title’s a little misleading because I don’t make resolutions by the year, I don’t wait until January 1st. Well, there was one time that I prepared myself for a significant life-change on a January 1st because I wanted to be able to remember it [I have difficulty remembering in general] and that change has stuck. I evaluate as needed, so some of these things might change or develop quicker than a year. Anyways, here I go…

I would like to get to 130 pounds by the end of the year; that’s roughly -2 a month. Since the end of finals, I’ve started to exercise at home. I have to be exercising regularly while school/ work/ ministry/ life is going on so it’s not so much about the weight but the mindset of “no matter what.” It’s also about wanting to feel stronger. I love feeling strong; it’s been a while.

I’ve already started to eat more veggies and fruit. After a couple months without soda, having broken the felt dependency upon it, I allow myself to have one here and there, and I’ve noticed that soda tastes different now; I don’t enjoy it so much. I’m starting the next phase of switching from juice to more water. So I’m taking things step by step.

I would not like to watch any more movies in the theaters, at least for the moment. I enjoy watching movies, just not at theaters. I’m all theater’d out. Well, I might get out for “Alice in Wonderland.”

Spiritually, I’m learning more and more to constantly let go.

I am going to expand my friend circle.

I am going to make the most of opportunities to bring glory to God. God has recently surprised me with opportunities to build a relationship with two people. I’ve taken the first steps to get that going and we’ll see what happens but I’m excited!

I think that is all at the moment.

Are you making any changes? Do you have any goals for 2010? What are they?


Friday, January 8, 2010

He’s Just Not That into You

The movie He’s Just Not That into You was better than I expected. I enjoyed it. It’s an ensemble cast with several stories that smoothly intertwine. The main line is that Gigi is enthusiastically, optimistically looking for love. She meets a bartender Alex who gives her advice regarding guys she’s dating, each one Alex saying is not that into Gigi and for her to run.

I think guys would find it an interesting movie as well. The stories touch on both the male and the female sides. The characters are:
>Gigi, actively looking for “The One”
>Conor, stuck in the friend position but wanting more with a female friend
>Anna, stuck between choosing commitment without passion and passion without commitment
>Ben, has a difficult time telling his wife the truth
>Alex, the bartender
>Neil, committed to his girlfriend but doesn’t believe in marriage
>Beth, wants to get married
>Janine, very orderly and neat
>Mary, actively looking for “The One” but through online/tech tools

A few “words of wisdom” in the movie are:
>if a guy is into you, he will make it happen. He’ll ask you out, he’ll find you [as in if he’s actually lost your #], he’ll make it happen.
>he is not into you if he gives you his #.
>he is not into you if he says he’s going out of town and will be out of touch for a bit.

I was trolling Xanga blogs and read a guy’s review of the movie and the book [I haven’t read the book]. According to his review and a lot of the comments people left, people think the movie was made to show guys to be dogs. I think they’re missing that some of the women don’t come off too great either. I think they’re missing the overall message.

Overall I believe the message is that each love story is unique. A side-note might be that if one’s looking for love, keep an eye out for one’s exception [to the rule].


My friend was telling me about a study done regarding the chain reaction yawning phenomenon. I think she said something about it being more likely to be carried on by empathetic people.

When we took the SHAPE profile thing, it said that I would like to help people “develop authentic, Christ-centered relationships with others.” At first, I thought that might be wrong, but maybe it is true. Except for an interest in observing people, I don’t really think of myself as a relational kind of person. I think of myself as socially awkward, so how would I help others in relating when I have trouble relating? Plus, I tend to have short-term relationships so I think I’m relationally-challenged.

Though, some of my friends think that I am good at relating. Putting some things together, maybe I am more empathetic than I thought, though I can’t know if I perpetuate the yawning experiment findings.

So, for one, in certain areas, I tend to be an auditory learner. I dislike communicating by email or texting because I get easily confused, I’m sure the receiver is gonna interpret my “tone” incorrectly; though I tend to default the “tone” in emails and texts as… docile, non-threatening, in the best tone possible? As in, someone could mean to be a jerk to me or sneering or something and I just wouldn’t pick up on it.

When I played in band, I could play a piece better after having heard what it is supposed to sound like. I attended a clarinet clinic one summer, led by Mr. Hasuko whom was a band/clarinet teacher. He would play a section and then have me play the same section afterwards and I would improve very much compared to just trying to focus on finger position and such.

When I am around people with a certain speech… pattern? I tend to speak more like they do. If I am around people who speak pidgin, I will speak more pidgin. Normally, I speak mostly proper English. If someone is fond of saying a particular word or phrase, I tend to say it more frequently. “LOSE MONEY!” Sorry, just remembered something, haha!

I enjoy getting into something someone else is into, like musical artists, movies, activities, etc. I got into Foo Fighters because of Ripple and the “Say you love crepes” movie because of Joker. I started liking the VW Golf because that’s what Handsome drove. I started really liking and wearing yellow because Chimichonga was wearing yellow and it looked so good on her. To be honest, I could get into video games, but it’s not easy when I don’t have gaming systems myself and lots of chances to improve; I think I’d be really good at them. I was getting good at Nintendo stuff when I was dating Dimples.

And I love getting others into things. I think I got Apple into Coffee Bean and I like suggesting books for her to read. Before CB came to HI, I got Spine into Caramel Fraps from Starbucks. Hmmm, I dunno what else….

Am I off topic now? Anyways, “chameleon” because I think I adapt well in most places and situations. Nothing really fazes me, like how different and “out there” people are. I enjoy the individuality of people. One thing though is that I don’t enjoy being around overly cruel, fake, condescending people; I will make efforts to get to know the true them but after awhile if mostly what I’m getting is a negative vibe and I can’t positively influence them, I will move on. I’d rather not adapt to that. I’m not saying that I’m a positive influence on people, I don’t know that, but I’d like to be.

Huh. I guess that’s why people tend to think I favor certain people or that I like someone romantically when I just like them. I enjoy affirming who people are. I enjoy being around positive energies and I love being around intelligent/ passionate/ talented people. Oh, this probably adds to why I like dealing with individuals rather than a large group.

So maybe I am more empathetic and relational than I thought. Am I? Any suggestions on using it for good rather than evil?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Watch It!

This is about TV shows. I have a wide variety of interests; if I could focus on just one, I think I’d be amazing at it. I enjoy relationship stories and intellectual stories. You’ll probably get what I mean as I explain what I watch and why.

In reality, I love being around very intelligent/ passionate/ talented people; to be clear, they don’t have to be all three but they tend to be at least 2/3.

Finally getting to the shows I watch. The one that I follow most closely is Criminal Minds. I am fascinated by psychology, I think the characters have been well-developed, the storylines are good and entertaining in a way. It can be a little disturbing and sometimes sad to see what people do to others and why though.

My favorite character on the show is Dr. Spencer Reid. He is the youngest on the team, socially awkward mostly from having an eidetic memory that leads him to run off discourses, leaving people around him to have a confused look. In a scene, he was explaining how he deciphered a coded message using longhand because it was faster than running it through a computer; Prentiss touched his face and said something to the effect of, “he’s so life-like.”

I also enjoy watching CSI and CSI: NY. I do not enjoy CSI: Miami. NY is easy to keep up with because it shows right after Criminal Minds. CSI, I don’t follow as much anymore. I would think the CSIs are less nerdy shows; there is no one nerd on the show that I favor over the others. It’s more about the storylines and witty banter between the nerds. I do like Danny Messer’s character on NY. Very Italian, the actor’s name is Carmine Giovinazzo. I am also a fan of Gary Sinise in general.

I like watching the Law & Order franchise. It’s always been difficult for me to catch the original when it airs but will watch it in reruns at times and I was a fan of Jerry Orbach. I’ve watched SVU the most, due mostly to when it aired. The added layer of regularly consulting a psychiatrist [Dr. Skoda, Dr. Huang, etc.] interests me.

L&O: CI is my favorite of the three because of its nerds. Detective Bobby Goren, incredible; he’s very often suspected of being close to losing it. Vincent D’onofrio is one of my favorite actors as well; he must be brilliant. He is a very close second as my favorite TV nerd.

I sometimes watch Medium. I catch NCIS sometimes because my dad watches it, I think it’s okay. House is okay.

I guess I don’t watch a lot of sitcoms these days, but I used to watch Friends [I think I’ve seen every episode], I still like the early seasons of 7th Heaven, and for some strange reason I like the early seasons of One Tree Hill [mainly for the character of Brooke who’s feisty but also such a sweetheart]. The first season of Ugly Betty was mostly enjoyable but I can’t watch it anymore.

I don’t watch reality shows much. I like The Biggest Loser the most but have only watched two seasons; I think it has the best motivation. Sometimes I’ll get a tip, idea or recipe from the show. I somewhat like Amazing Race because they get to travel, but they don’t get to enjoy where they visit and the contestants can be very rude to the locals and each other. Out of curiosity I watched one season of The Bachelor and the subsequent season of The Bachelorette. It was the one where he doesn’t propose to either women, the best season I could’ve watched because I agree with his decision! And the B-ette was kinda good too ‘cuz it was neat that she chose probably the least likely guy. And I watched 1 ½ seasons of American Idol; I was in OR, my mom would talk about the two local girls on the show, I started watching just to know what mom was talking about.

I like catching PTI and Around the Horn when I can, Sportscenter here and there. I like watching sports. I used to watch a lot of Inside the Actors Studio; the work of actors and actresses intrigues me, to be someone else and listening to their behind-the-scenes stories.

For my inner nerd, I used to watch Josh Bernstein in Digging for the Truth. I sometimes watch random shows on the History channel, Animal Planet, Travel channel, National Geographic and Discovery. I especially enjoy shows about bridges. Yes, bridges.

Oh, Numbers. After the Criminal/CSI: NY combo, I kind of keep up to date with this show. Mathematicians. FBI agents. Astronomer. City planner. A triple agent. I love that it makes practical math applications interesting and more accessible. I could do without the “love” plots between Agent Epps and whatever female coworker, but it doesn’t ruin any of the other stuff I enjoy about the show.

And with Fist talking about it almost all the time, and my dad watching it, I’ve started watching Bones. I like it! The thing is that I can’t find a favorite nerd on the show, and I watch the reruns on TNT so I don’t know what episode fits in which season, but it’s a good show. Sweets would probably be my favorite nerd on the show for being the psychologist and quite the instigator between Booth and Brennan especially, but it’s difficult for me to get the image out of my head of him in the movie Waiting.

For a murder mystery show, I really enjoyed Harper’s Island, but it wasn’t meant to be a series. The ending was creepy and very strange, but for keeping up suspense and well-developed characters, it was good!

My brother has the DVDs and so I am watching Stargate, or what I call “MacGyver in Space”. Seasons 1 & 2 done, rather enjoyable so far.
This is a lot longer than I had expected. I don’t get to watch a lot of TV these days and I tend to watch MNF and UH VB games if anything. I do not have a TV in my room.

Main points:
>> 1] Criminal Minds 2] CSI: NY 3] Numbers 4] Bones 5] L&O: CI
>> NO Sex & the City, Grey’s Anatomy, CSI: Miami!!!
>> I love nerds. Favorite TV nerd: Dr. Spencer Reid, Criminal Minds [close 2nd Det. Goren, L&O: CI]
>> Bridges.
>> Sports.
>> I get my laughs mainly from movies.

What’s your favorite show? And you don’t have to write an essay to answer like I did.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Get the Message Out: TWLOHA

Back in October of ’08, from Hot Topic I picked up a t-shirt with a cause. Money from the t-shirt purchase went to a non-profit movement called To Write Love on Her Arms. The following is their description:

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

This began as an attempt to tell a story and a way to help a friend in Spring 2006. The story and the life it represented were both things of contrast – pain and hope, addiction and sobriety, regret and the possibility of freedom. The story’s title “To Write Love on Her Arms” was also a goal, believing that a better life was possible.


Well, if you’ve been reading this journal for awhile or just recently, if you’ve spent any significant time with me, you could guess that I personally experience at least one of the 4 struggles that they list. After wearing the shirt, others have asked or told me more about the group. I believe in what they are doing and why.

It is not only my experience that brings this cause close to my heart. In both the November of 2005 and 2006, I attended the funerals of friends, former classmates, whom gave their lives to suicide. I got just a glimpse of the pain it brought their families and friends. One friend was engaged to be married.

I can only speak of it from my view to say that I was already in a dark place when I went to the funerals. I think of my friends very often.

All this to say please check out their website for more information and please support their mission! Chances are that you know someone who struggles with one of the areas.

Also, if you are one who prays, please pray for the people running TWLOHA and those they are reaching/could reach.



[The previous entry where I first mention TWLOHA]

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Untitled [01.05.10]

I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. It’s not a good sign. When I sleep I and others are safe. When I dream I think less. I can be with people.

The truth is that I know why the holidays can be a scary time for some. For me, life is a scary time.

The fight in me hasn’t produced anything good in quite some time.

Times like these add another layer to why I don’t like to drive, especially by myself. I am much better when someone is in the car with me. But then I live rather away from friends and I tend to go places and do things on my own.

In Aviator, Howard Hughes tells Katherine Hepburn: “Sometimes I truly fear that I’m losing my mind. And if I did, it would be like flying blind. You understand?” She replies, “You taught me to fly, Howard. I’ll take the wheel.”

In a way, that’s what I’m looking for in a relationship; someone who can take the wheel, just until I am better. I love my parents very much and they do a good job of this in their way. After the first time Apple witnessed/ experienced this in me, she’s been wonderful about it; even now she’s doing the best she can from thousands of miles away.

At the same time, I keep people at a distance, especially in a romantic sense. I press the self-destruct button early. To have someone think they love me and then have them feel obligated to go through these times with me? It would be like hijacking their life. Who would volunteer for this? How could I ask someone to?

Yet I would do this and more for them. I understand what it's like. It allows me to be strong for others in their time of need.

Anyways, I guess this contributes to why I am sensitive to negative energies, to why I can be overprotective of others. One can never know who they are talking to. One never knows if someone is already at the edge. At the same time, one shouldn’t be oversensitive and enable someone to dwell close to the edge.

I’m sorry if this has been confusing. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know how to describe what is in my mind. At this point I’m just babbling, but I guess it’s better than being silent.

I know that some of my… thing has been spiritual attack, especially lately. There must still be some fight in me because I am getting better at reaching out when I need to. Perhaps I am still hearing God. Yesterday, I asked good friends to pray for me so that I may continue to do God’s work. I got back a couple replies and I am so grateful. It is encouraging and uplifting and I could use a lot of that right now. It’s not about me; it’s about God’s community and refusing to let it be divided, about not allowing one of God’s people to feel isolated.

Thank you to all prayer warriors out there. I proudly fight beside you for His glory! And if you've prayed specifically for me recently, I'm here to say that God does answer prayers, thank you.

Oh, I just had this thought about how I tend to say often that sensitive people and I don’t do well together. I am mindful most times of being tactful, but I also tend to be straightforward and blunt. I can be coldhearted as friends have told me. I try not to be. This thought though is that sensitive people tend to “protect” themselves by bringing others down in order for them to feel [falsely] good about themselves. That kind of feeding off of someone else really bothers me.

I don’t know if any of this entire entry made any sense. I could go on but I think I shall stop here.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Untitled [01.04.10]

I’d like to be more regular in posting here. This is more honest, this is how life is for me. I am down more times than up. I don’t think of myself as a generally happy-go-lucky kind of person. At the same time, I like to think that I am more optimistic than not. I know how it all ends; God wins. I am enlisted in his army. How can I not hope?

Which means that struggle is inevitable for me.

In relation to what I said in the previous post, winning or losing is not important to me. I would concede and have done so in past situations but things are much more complicated than they have ever been. No matter what, there will be casualties.

I wonder if things would be better for others if I concede now or later. I wonder if things would be better for others if I made it certain and clear that I have conceded. I don’t want people in the middle. I want unity; I am not the one looking to divide but division is happening anyway.

I don’t know what to do.

I need you to know that I did my best. It is clear that I am not part of the group and you need to be okay with that. Nothing good is coming out of trying to force it. People want to see me fail and that is okay with me; I will be fine on my own with God. I will find other things to do.

I do not mean to hurt you. I regret that we can no longer be honest and open as we used to be. Maybe we were never that honest and open as we seemed to be. Everything seemed to be much easier back when, didn’t they? Where did that go?

I do miss you. I know you care and I know we are friends so it bothers me that you think you need to keep assuring me of our friendship. I recognize that others need you more than I do right now and I give you leave to do so. Also know that I will always be here for you.

I respectfully decline all invitations at this time.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Untitled [01.03.10]

I would rather write something more positive. It would not be honest to where I am. I’m confused and hurting so much that it’s blinding me to the good. I’m exhausted from fighting things off.

I’ve been wondering if it matters. How could I give up hope? I don’t like how that sounds. Am I screwing up? I’m being driven to the edge. I don’t know how to not care and I’m upset with myself for wanting to not care.

I want more joy.

I want to disappear.

I don’t hear him anymore. I’m afraid.

I can’t be honest.

It’s so much pain and I don’t understand. I don’t. The sides are closing in on me. I can’t breathe. I can’t serve others like this. Either way I lose. I’m losing now. What’s the point?